


Wake Me Up

by alixstyles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe-University/Office, Alternate Universe-photography/magazine, Angst, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Depression, Younger Louis/Older Harry, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-03-13 19:18:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 61,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3393200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alixstyles/pseuds/alixstyles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is a photography student in uni and he takes an internship from a small magazine company. In the company, he meets an unusual man, with curly brown hair almost reaching his shoulders; he wears fedoras and the fittest jeans. He also wears kimonos and tights, and everything suits him. The thing is, this unusual beautiful man that caught Louis off guard is named Harry, and Harry turned out to be the magazine’s editor-in-chief. Louis doesn’t know what to do because the first time he saw Harry, he knew he was fucked. His heart felt like it would leap out of his rib cage and he wasn’t sure whether it was because it’s his first day or because of the person standing right in front of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first fic I've ever posted so feedback (positive or negative) is greatly appreciated)!!! :)

They were in a public park near the university for a photo shoot today. Louis put flowers on Zayn’s beard, wanting to shoot people’s reactions to it. He wanted to relate the new flower beard trend with feminism for a portfolio he was working on.

After the last shot was taken, Louis clapped Zayn’s back and said, “Well done, mate. That was beautiful.”

Zayn smiled and batted his eyelashes at Louis, “Couldn’t have done it without you. You make me look so much prettier in those photos.”

Louis rolled his eyes and replied, “Oh, stop. You know you’re just as lovely in person.”

 

After Louis was done packing his things, the two boys started walking back home. “So what will you be doing with the photos again?” Zayn asked.

“I told you, they’re my entries for a competition I found online. The winner gets to display his works in a gallery for a week,” Louis answered.

“Oh that’s great! Send me an invite when you win, alright?”

Louis chuckled at that. “Of course, you know I’d call you first if I do!”

 

They spent the rest of the afternoon at home, just hanging out. Louis and Zayn had been friends since their second year in uni. Louis was a photography major looking around for models when he saw Zayn. They didn’t even know each other when Louis approached Zayn and asked him to be his model. Louis had told him that he just couldn’t let such beauty go to waste. Zayn, who was quite shy back then felt embarrassed but he didn’t refuse. After a few shoots and a couple of meals later, a friendship blossomed.

During their third semester, Zayn moved into Louis’ flat and they became the best mates. So it isn’t really a surprise that most of his photos included Zayn.

Louis was so thankful for Zayn. It’s not just that he models for him for free but also because ever since their friendship, he hadn’t felt alone as much as he used to. Sure, the emptiness was still there, but it wasn’t quite apparent anymore. Sometimes he had trouble taking care of himself but Zayn usually reminded him to do so.

Zayn knows about his previous problems with food. Louis accidentally told him that one night in the pub together. But Louis was done with that. He wasn’t completely healed but the habits had stopped; although, every now and then there would be bad days and his bad habits threatened to return. When this happens however, Zayn seems to notice. He takes good care of Louis, and he almost always seemed ready to catch him before he dove off the cliff.

——

Two weeks after he submitted his portfolio, Louis received a congratulatory email. After that, the days went by so fast he didn’t have any time to revel in his triumph. His week in the gallery was a success. The place was full most of the days, and he even got some offers for his work. Zayn also threw him a party during his last day to celebrate his astounding success.

And just when Louis thought life couldn’t get any better, after his week at the gallery ended, he received a few emails from different companies offering him internships; because they were impressed by his works. The opportunities left him dumbfounded. He couldn’t decide which company to choose from so he ended up interviewing for all of them. Most of them had good offers but one caught his attention. It was a small company of a local magazine that really impressed Louis. It also had the shortest commute from his flat, so that and a good offer was enough for him. As he took the internship, he anticipated changes, but none of what was about to happen.

——

Louis entered the building anxious and excited. It was his first day in the company and he wanted to make a good impression on everyone so he wore his cleanest shirt, the classic white long sleeve button down with a black collar and dark jeans to match. He left his suspenders at home, which he would normally pair with the entire outfit, but he thought it looked silly for a workplace. He was told that they weren’t strict with the dress code around here but he wanted to look serious while still looking casual, too. He already met some of the people he’d be working with so he wasn’t as nervous when they saw each other again. But today was the first time he met the others, including the chief editor.

A tall man stood in front of him. He was wearing a white deep v-neck shirt and there were, what looks like to be, two pairs of wings peeking from his tanned chest. A fedora topped brunette curls that almost reached the man’s shoulders; the fittest jeans covered his legs; and he had the loveliest green eyes Louis had ever seen. This man was so obviously beautiful that looking at him almost hurt, Louis thought. _Almost._ His eyes crinkled as he smiled at Louis, and two deep dimples on each side of his cheeks showed. The man extended his hand to welcome him. Louis froze as he felt his cheeks grow hot.

“This is Mr. Harry Styles,” introduced Liam, the assistant editor.

Louis forced himself to calm down and was able to return the beautiful man’s handshake. He didn’t trust his words at the moment so he smiled a shy smile instead.

“Hi, nice to meet you! Liam’s being too formal again. Everyone here calls me Harry,” the man with the captivating green orbs said to him.

He spoke with a raspy and slow voice that made Louis’ breath hitch in surprise. He felt his heart threatening to leap out his rib cage. _‘Get your shit together, Tomlinson,_ ’ he thought to himself.

And after what seems like an eternity, Louis took a deep breath and replied, “Hello, I- I’m Louis. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to work with you.”

“Nonsense, you’re brilliant! I wasn’t able to go to the gallery myself but Liam showed me your portfolio and I couldn’t agree more when they said to offer you an internship. I hope you enjoy it here as much as I do,” Harry said enthusiastically. Louis heard the sincerity in Harry’s words and couldn’t help himself as the redness on his cheeks spread to his whole face. Liam and Harry just chuckled.

Louis, not knowing what to do next, just kept on smiling and thankfully, Harry had to go back to work or else he probably would have embarrassed himself further. Right then and there, Louis knew he was fucked. Here was one of the most beautiful people Louis has ever seen and he was his boss. Louis couldn’t believe it. He had to admit though, now that he met Harry, he’s more eager than he was before to work here. But he knew that there were limits. Harry would never go for someone like him. So Louis swallowed the butterflies, continued with the rest of the tour and went on with his day.

 

After work, Louis bought takeaway and ate dinner with Zayn. He was telling Zayn all about his first day including Harry when Zayn’s face showed worry.

“I know it’s only a crush but you should still be careful, mate.”

Zayn warned, “He’s still your boss and liking him might not be very good for your career.”

“Mate, I’m only an intern. There’s no career yet,” Louis retorted.

Louis appreciated his friend’s concern but he didn’t think there was anything wrong with having a crush on your boss; nonetheless, he understood what Zayn was trying to say. Although the chances are very slim, he couldn’t ruin this amazing opportunity by screwing his boss.

Zayn scrunched his eyebrows and before he could say anything more, Louis added “but thanks for the concern, mum. Don’t worry, it’s only a crush. It might even wear off soon.”

He smiled at the other boy, a smile that said ‘it’s alright. I can handle myself’; and hoped with all his heart that these feelings were truly nothing more than he can handle.


	2. Chapter One

The company was relatively small so they only had one floor for the whole staff. Most of the desks are adjacent to one another with only dividers in between, but the space was enough for Louis. His co-workers were friendly and most of them minded their own business. Luckily, Harry’s desk was at the other side of the office so Louis wasn’t easily distracted by him. Sure, sometimes he would find himself wandering off thinking about Harry’s curls, or the tiger-striped modern kimono and the black tights he wore to work that morning, or Harry’s full lips that seemed to get redder each day, but he would often reel himself back, reminded by reality to go back to work.

Most of the days in the office went on like this until one day when Louis was called to Harry’s office. Louis was nervous, although he knew there was no reason to be. There was probably a new assignment for him or something. But during the weeks he worked here, Harry never gave the assignments. It was mostly Liam or the journalist assigned to work on a piece with him that did. So maybe there was something to be nervous about. He tried to act breezy though when he knocked on Harry’s door.

“Come in, come in,” Harry greeted.

He was standing near the window and seemed near the end of a conversation on the phone when Louis came in. His office was small but seemed spacious enough. Since the company was on the 22nd floor of the building, Louis saw nothing but taller buildings and blue skies when he looked out the window. Harry’s desk was filled with papers and nothing personal seemed to be on it, or on the walls for that matter.

“Yes, I know about the event. I’ll be covering it and I’m taking my best team with me, alright?” Harry said to the person on the other line.

Louis tried not to gape but it was hard now that Harry was sitting right in front of him. His brown curls turned lighter as the sun kissed it, and his lips seemed fuller and redder than before. He wouldn’t have taken his eyes off of it if it weren’t for that red checkered shirt he was wearing that was barely buttoned on the top. In fact, his shirt was so open that Louis finally saw the two birds, the owner of the wings he noticed the first day belonged to. There on his chest were tattoos of two birds staring at each other, with their wings seeming ready for flight.

Louis didn’t notice Harry end the conversation on the phone until Harry called his name. He stopped ogling the older boy and felt warmth rising to his cheeks, again. If Harry noticed Louis checking him out, he didn’t let on.

"Hi, Louis. How have you been doing?" Harry asked with his green eyes seeming darker as it focused on the younger boy.

There was something about how Louis' name rolled off of Harry's tongue that made him shiver. Louis tried not to squirm under his gaze and replied with the most professional tone he could muster, "I'm alright, sir. So happy to be working here."

"As I said before Louis, you can call me Harry," he retorted, and then he smiled, a crooked smile that showed those lovely dimples resting on his cheeks.

Louis' felt his heart beating fast again, he tried to calm himself down. Maybe that's his usual smile for his employees, Louis thought. It would explain why almost all the girls from the office wouldn't stop talking about the man. There's nothing more attractive than a beautiful person topped off with a charming personality.

"Right. Sorry 'bout that," Louis said, disconcerted by Harry's gaze.

Harry took a sip of his coffee then continued, "So I want to ask you something, Louis." Harry paused and looked at Louis with intent, "we have a special issue coming up themed freedom of self-expression. It's all about accepting yourself and embracing individual differences; and with it I hope to change the company's appearance. I feel like right now we're quite prosaic. So I want a new image, something fresh and ardent. So the issue will be filled with several androgynous models to set the whole thing in motion. Do you get me, Louis?"

Louis nodded and Harry continued, "So we'll start shooting this Thursday. It usually lasts for 2 days, but since this is a special issue it's going to take longer, 3 days at most. And I really want you to be our photographer."

Louis eyes widened in disbelief, he couldn't decipher why Harry thought so highly of him. Maybe he confused him with someone else, Louis thought. But then again, he is the chief editor and he can't really afford a big mistake like that, though still Louis asked, "but why me sir? - I mean Harry?"

"I know you're only interning for us at the moment but I'm really impressed by your work; and I think you really capture the essence of whatever you shoot. You have an amazing talent, Louis, and this special issue could really use it." Harry said this with such confidence in Louis that he didn't even think twice before nodding in agreement. With that, Louis left the office with flushed cheeks, a new sense of self-worth, and even more butterflies in his stomach.

——

On the day of the shoot Louis arrived at 7, an hour earlier than he was supposed to. Harry told him that it would start at 8 but he didn't want to be late; and he really couldn't sleep last night because of the anticipation. He was ecstatic for this new opportunity. Not only does he get to work with Harry, but he is also ready for this new challenge. All his other assignments seem petty compared to this. The articles assigned to him were often the less serious ones, ones that didn't really require all his skills. So he was eager for today and all the new possibilities it presented.

The production staff were already setting up when he got there. Surprisingly, he found Harry talking to a girl with a clipboard, too. He was dashing today, as always. He wore a grey sweater and tight black jeans that would look plain on anyone else, but on him it looked incredible. His long brown curls were neatly tied back, and Louis observed his gentle features and mentally cataloged the details. He wanted to have something to remember for later, he thought. He did this for a few minutes before someone accidentally bumped into him. The force caused Louis to lean back, and he would've fallen if the bloke hadn't instinctively grabbed his arms and stopped the fall.

When Louis was upright the bloke apologized. He had artificial blond hair, warm blue eyes, and a cute Irish accent. "Sorry, mate. But you shouldn't really be blocking the door like that," the blond haired boy said.

"'Salright. I'm sorry, too. I was just breathing in everything," Louis lied. He was supposed to be taking it all in, it’s his first day in a real studio after all, except it was toppled by his adoration for Harry; but he couldn’t possibly say that out loud.

"Ah, first time?" the stranger asked.

"Yeah," Louis answered with a bashful smile.

“Welcome, then! I'm Niall. I'm part of the logistics team. I move stuff around and help keep the set intact. And you are?"

Niall's enthused tone calmed him. He wasn't sure why but he found this cute Irish boy's presence soothing. Already, he was smiling and introducing himself without any hint of anxiety or apprehension.

Niall turned out to be a student in uni, too. He was studying music and he works in logistics for events like this whenever he’s not playing a gig somewhere. He was funny and kind, and thanks to him Louis' worries earlier this morning dissipated before the shoot actually started.

The two were deep in conversation about Niall's experience with his last shoot when Harry approached them. "Hi, Louis," Harry greeted him and placed a hand on his back. Louis was well-aware of the contact made and he blushed uncontrollably.

' _God, is that all I’m ever going to do when Harry's in the room??_ ' Louis thought to himself in silent frustration. Louis worried Harry would feel his heart pounding loudly against his rib cage. He steadied his breathing, trying to calm himself; however, the fact that Harry's hand didn't move as he extended his other hand forward to shake Niall's hand, didn’t really help.

"Hi, I'm Harry Styles, chief editor of the magazine Louis' interns for." Harry smiled at Niall. It wasn't the smile Louis was familiar with though, this one didn't show his dimples and barely reached his ears like it normally did.

"Hi, I'm Niall. Part of the logistics team. Nice to meet you, boss!" Niall exclaimed, seeming oblivious to Harry’s lack of sincerity.

Louis was nonplussed, ‘ _what’s happening??_ ’ he thought to himself.

Niall excused himself and went back to work, and then Harry gave Louis the tour of the studio. There wasn’t much to see but Louis was stoked. This was his first official shoot as an intern and he was ready to show off his skills to everyone. Moreover, he wanted to prove that he was everything Harry thought he was because honestly, that carried the most weight in Louis’ mind.

——

The first day of the shoot went by quickly. At first Louis feared he’d look awkward and be alone most of the day since he knew no one except Harry; and as much as he wants to, he knew Harry was too busy to hold his hand and stay by his side. Yet, thanks to Niall, his anxiety faded as they joked around the studio, and soon he felt lighthearted enough to work at ease.

Harry checked up on him several times today, as well. He assured Louis that he was doing a great job and that everything was coming along well.

As everyone was packing up Harry asked Louis if he wanted to get dinner with him and offered to drive him home afterwards. Louis’ incredulity showed in his face and Harry explained, “In celebration of a good first day.”

“Oh, of course,” Louis replied.

‘ _It’s not a date, Tomlinson. Stop dreaming_ ,’ he thought to himself. Then his conversation with Zayn a few weeks ago replayed in his head, “Be careful, Louis,” his friend had warned. ‘ _Right,_ ’ he reminded himself. ‘ _It’s just a crush. Nothing but a crush,_ ’ Louis chided himself.

Harry brought Louis to a fancy restaurant and they sat in a booth near the window. It reminded Louis of that restaurant from the film _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_ , very classy and elegant looking. It’s a restaurant you’d bring a date into, or for Harry’s case, an intern who had a successful day at the studio.

“So Louis, how was your first day?” Harry asked after the waiter took their order.

“It was fantastic!” Louis exclaimed. “I can’t wait for tomorrow, and the next day.”

Their conversation started out with work, then later progressed to more personal stuff. The conversation came so freely that Louis hadn’t noticed he was talking about himself, like actually telling stories about his day that probably didn’t interest Harry. But Harry looked happy, he was smiling and laughing at Louis’ stories and so Louis continued.

It’s been quite a while since Louis talked about himself this much with another person, except for Zayn. He was usually uncomfortable talking about himself and had trouble keeping conversations going; but, with Harry it was effortless. Harry was the kind of person that could make you feel good about yourself and Louis really liked that about him.

Harry told Louis a bit about himself, as well. He told him how he was new at the company, much like Louis, and that he left his previous job because he was seeking out new opportunities. He told him how he loved to read, mostly biographies because other people’s stories are always inspiring; and that he enjoyed cooking, a hobby he picked up when he discovered the food channel a while back.

 

“Just over here, please,” Louis told Harry, a bit disappointed. It seems like the night flew by too quickly, albeit they ordered dessert after dinner and talked more during the drive. He just couldn’t get enough of Harry, he thought.

Louis was about to thank Harry for tonight when Harry asked, “Do you live with your boyfriend?”

Louis was surprised by the question, “um, who?” he replied with puzzlement.

“The good-looking bloke with the scruff and tall hair from your photos?” Harry’s expression was inquisitive.

“Oh,” Louis laughed, “that’s my best friend Zayn. We share a flat together.”

Harry’s face relaxed and he laughed. “Sorry, I was just curious,” he explained.

“It’s alright,” Louis said, “thanks for tonight, I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome, Louis,” Harry answered, “See you tomorrow.”

There it was again, Louis thought. Harry said his name in such an alluring tone that he found himself blushing, again! Louis thanked Harry and said good-bye before Harry could see his face turn red. His heart was beating fast, butterflies were fluttering in his stomach, and his face almost split from his wide grin.

Louis knew it was all in his head, but he couldn’t stop himself. He was glad they had dinner and that they got to know each other better, and hoped that they would do it again someday.

Louis knew his simple crush turned into an infatuation that would probably lead to a mild heartbreak, but he couldn’t care less. For now, he just wanted to enjoy getting to know Harry and spending his time adoring the man.

——

It was the second day of the shoot and Louis started to get stressed because of all the pressure. It looks like their fortune yesterday ended as today began.

Louis didn’t like how his photos were turning out. Something felt wrong about them. Louis’ frustration showed as he apologized for the nth time to everyone and Harry began to notice. “Why don’t we take a break, yeah?” Harry said aloud. Everyone looked relieved and Louis didn’t blame them.

“What’s wrong, Louis?” Harry asked, concerned.

“These photos feel all wrong to me,” Louis answered. It looked like Harry was about to say something but had stopped. “Could I go outside for a while and get some fresh air?” the younger man queried.

“Sure,” Harry answered, “come back after fifteen minutes, okay?” Louis nodded and excused himself.

Outside he saw Niall smoking a cigarette. The Irish boy waved at him to come over and he did. “How’s it going, mate?” he said.

“Terrible,” Louis answered, “I’m starting to think I suck at my job.”

With that Niall chuckled, “we all have our bad days,” he remarked.

“But I’m not allowed to have bad days, I’m an intern! And everyone’s counting on me in there.” Louis said in despair.

“Alright man, chill.” Niall said. “I’m sure they’re not _all_ counting on you. Like you said, you’re only an intern. There are lots of blokes with higher positions that’ll take on the blame before you,” he joked. “Your boss being one of them,” Niall added.

“What are you talking about?” Louis was baffled.

“Nothing, nothing,” Niall answered him.

Louis rolled his eyes at him and stared longingly at the almost finished cigarette in Niall’s hand.

“Want one?” Niall asked when he noticed.

“No thanks,” Louis shook his head. He wasn’t going to relapse now, thank you very much. It’s been a good five months and he was determined to maintain his healthy lifestyle.

“Alright, I’m going back inside,” Niall told him.

Louis went back a few minutes after Niall did, with an inspired novel idea. He realized what the shots were missing. They felt wrong because everything seemed too dull. What it needed was a paradox.

There wasn’t anything thrilling about the photos because the models and the set had a contingency that formed such a monotonous harmony. It needed divergence for it to come to life.

Harry welcomed his idea and agreed to his suggestions. Thankfully, the photos that came after his sudden revelation were perfect.

It was late when the day ended and once again Harry offered Louis a ride home. Louis really wanted to say yes, but his conscience nagged him, so he politely declined. However, Harry pushed on, “it’s not a bother really. Your place is quite far from here and it’s a bit risky to be calling a cab this late at night.” Louis didn’t want to seem rude, then. He finally agreed to Harry’s offer and let the butterflies flutter in his stomach.

 _‘It’s just a ride home,’_ he admonished to himself, _‘no need to fuss about it.’_

——

It was the third and last day of the shoot and Louis met the last batch of models. One of them was extremely friendly and kept on flirting with Louis. His name was Cedric. He had long straight black hair, perfect abs and slightly slanted eyes that emphasized his high cheekbones. He was beautiful like the other models but he was also nice. And not the fake ‘nice’ that Louis was so familiar with. Cedric’s compliments felt genuine and his smile was so warm that Louis couldn’t help flirting back.

Meanwhile, Harry was in an unpleasant mood today. Louis wanted to ask him what was wrong, but he was afraid he’d overstep his boundaries by doing so. Harry was his boss, after all. So he kept quiet and tried to not get offended whenever Harry spoke to him in a clipped voice.

Louis tried not to take it personally, this was a professional environment and Harry was chief editor. But as he tried to keep a safe distance, Harry kept calling him. He kept making changes here and there. Louis was patient, though. He didn’t complain and just followed Harry’s orders. It must be all the stress because it’s the last day, Louis rationed. He knew Harry isn’t always like this.

During the break Cedric approached Louis, seizing the moment Harry was out of sight.

“Where’s the cheesed-off boss?” he asked nonchalantly.

“He normally doesn’t look this pissed,” Louis answered said defensively.

“Alright, well I wish he’d stopped hogging you, though,” Cedric told him bluntly.

Louis blushed and shook his head. “He isn’t,” he asserted, “It’s just work stuff.”

Louis hadn’t noticed Harry come near them until he felt a hand on his back. His breath hitched in surprise, and his faced became redder when he realized it was Harry.

“Hi!” Louis exclaimed, trying to cover up his overreaction.

“Hi, Louis, can I talk to you for a minute?” Harry had a murky look on his face and Louis nodded. Harry led them into one of the changing rooms, where there wasn’t any interruption.

"Lock the door," Harry said in a hushed tone.

"What? Why, sir- I mean, Harry?" Louis was suddenly in panic. Harry looked pissed and he had no idea why.

"We need to have a private conversation, Louis." Harry had a serious look on. Louis’ heart was racing, threatening to leap out of his chest, and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was slightly turned on right now or because he was scared of what Harry might do.

 _‘Fuck,’_ Louis thought, _‘what did I get myself into now??’_


	3. Chapter Two

There was a brief silence as Louis looked at Harry, waiting for an explanation. Harry was biting his lips, his fists were balled up, and his eyebrows scrunched together in frustration. Louis wanted to touch him so badly. He wanted to stroke Harry’s face and help him calm down, but instead he just waited.

However, after several minutes passed and Louis saw Harry wasn’t calming down, Louis started to fill the silence, “So um, what’s wrong, Harry?” his question filled with concern.

Louis knows this might be stepping over his boundaries, but it was difficult to see Harry like this. Harry let out an exasperated sigh. His fists were shaking and he just couldn’t handle those earnest blue eyes staring at him anymore.

“You are what’s wrong, Louis,” he replied.

“Um, sorry?” Louis was baffled. _‘What did I do wrong?_ ’ he thought. ‘ _I did everything he said and-’_

Just as Louis was trying to figure out what he did to cause Harry’s vexation, Harry grabs Louis’ face and presses his lips against his.

The kiss was hard and intense, and it caught Louis off guard. His eyes grew wide with shock, and it took him a few seconds before he was able to process what was happening.

He felt electric currents pass through him as they kissed; and he closed his eyes allowing himself to bask in the wonderful sensation.

A moment later, Harry’s grip on him loosened. They both took a breath; and Louis felt his cheeks grow hot at the realization that this was really happening.

At this, Harry starts to laugh, a rumbled laugh, finding Louis’ wonted reaction to him amusing.

“I love it when you do that,” Harry whispered.

Louis was confused, but he was also intoxicated by the kiss and honestly, he didn’t want it to stop. He touched Harry’s bare chest, glad he didn’t bother to button up his shirt, and felt Harry’s heart beating fast.

He smiled, for the first time, he wasn’t the only one whose heart seemed like it was about to leap out his rib cage. But when he looked at Harry, instead of smiling back, he swallowed hard. He darted out his tongue to wet his lips, and glanced at Louis’, giving him a wanton look.

Harry’s sudden initiative invigorated Louis. He wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist and leaned towards the older man, and starts another kiss. Harry pulls him closer and begins to deepen the kiss, this time his hands travel from Louis face to his waist and grabs his bum. Louis could feel Harry’s smile as his touch elicits low moans from him.

“You like that, huh,” Harry smirked. “Been wanting to smack this bum since I first saw it, but I’ll settle for a pinch” he added.

As he pinched it, Louis’ moans turned into a squeal.

“Shh, keep it down.” Harry told Louis, reminding them that they were in a studio with several people still outside the room.

“Don’t pinch me like that if you don’t want me to squeal,” Louis said as he tried to catch his breath.

“It’s alright,” Harry replied. “I like hearing your lovely squeal.”

As their tongues explored each other’s mouths, Louis felt something hard press against his leg.

He didn’t want this moment to end, he wanted so much more; but, something in the back of his mind nudged him to take a step back.

He began to remember his conversation with Zayn a few weeks back, “he’s still your boss and liking him might not be very good for your career,” he’d told him. And that was enough to set Louis off.

He began thinking of his future and how he really liked working for the magazine; and how little he actually knows about Harry. Sure, he’s paying attention to him now but, Louis is sure that once they give into their urges this would be over and working for him would start to become awkward and weird. And he doesn’t know if he can handle that, right now.

‘ _Stick to your healthy and safe lifestyle, Louis,_ ’ he reminded himself.

Louis looked at Harry with agony. Here was this beautiful man, so raw and ready for him. His perfect lips were swollen, brown curls disheveled, and his crotch almost in a state of erection; yet, he knew this can’t end the way they want it to end.

“I can’t.” Louis started to explain. Regretting the words as soon as it left his mouth.

“But, I want you,” Harry whimpered, his green eyes getting bigger as he pleaded; and it sounded so heartfelt that Louis almost gave in.

“I- I don’t even know you that well,” Louis said, “and you’re my boss. I can’t risk my internship for this.”

“I’m so sorry,” Louis voice was shaking and he left a shattered-looking Harry, and with his heart full of regret.

‘ _It’s the right thing to do,_ ’ Louis told himself. And with trembling hands he calls Zayn,

“Something’s happened and I need you to pick me up after work, okay?”

He could hear the worry in Zayn’s voice when he answered, “What’s wrong, Lou? Do you want me to come get you right now?”

“No, it’s alright. I still have to finish work.”

“Alright, babe. You sure?”

“Yes, I am. Thanks, love,” then Louis hung up.

He can’t get another ride from Harry this time. He knows he wouldn’t be able to stop himself or Harry when something like that starts again.

So he left it at that and for the rest of the day he completely avoids Harry. And this time, Harry seems to understand, leaving Louis alone and he never calling him again for the rest of the day.

——

Louis woke up on Sunday morning still finding it hard to believe that he rejected Harry yesterday.

“You did the right thing, babe,” Zayn had told him last night after Louis narrated what had happened. “You’ll only make a mess if you two sleep together,” he added.

Louis was comforted by Zayn’s reassurance but it still didn’t make him feel any better for passing up what was probably his only chance of fucking Harry.

Louis placed a pillow on his face and screamed his frustrations out in it. After a few minutes, he lets himself drift off and finds that he’s thinking about Harry again.

Since Zayn hadn’t come into his room asking Louis why he was screaming into his pillow again, he figured he’d gone out; and that he has the flat all to himself at the moment. So he allows himself to drift back to thoughts of Harry, his perfect red lips, and that sexy raspy voice of his, and it makes him semi-hard.

This was all he could do now. ‘ _Masturbate then extricate,_ ’ he thought.

He wanted to laugh out loud. He needed to get Harry off his mind and the only way he can think to do this was by jerking off. _‘Well, there’s no harm in trying,_ ’ he’d told himself.

He closes his eyes and starts to recall Harry yesterday, completely ruined by his desire for him. He remembers Harry’s big hands, then starts to wonder how big his dick actually is. Louis imagined him to be bigger compared to all the boys he’s been with before, and with that thought he starts to curl his fingers around his own cock. He lets out a sigh as he squeezes it and feels it harden.

Louis removes his boxers and his erection springs free. He begins to rub his palm against it and releases a shaky breath as he pictures Harry touching him with those big warm hands. His hands start pumping automatically, and he thumbs the head and wipes the precum; tasting himself and imagining that it was Harry’s finger in his mouth.

He moans as he continues to touch himself, imagining Harry’s big hands were doing all the work. But when he was about to come, he lets go and starts to get the lube and the dildo from the drawer beside his bed. After slicking the dildo with enough lube, he starts on himself as well.

He spreads the lube around his rim, imagining that Harry’s fingers were inside him, and starts to push his index finger inside. After slipping the second finger inside and relaxing after enduring the pain, he starts to push the dildo inside him, as well.

Louis pictured Harry inside him, with him scratching his back as Harry pushed himself deeper. The dildo might not be as big as Harry but the picture in his head is clear. He pushed the dildo all the way inside his entrance and welcomed the pain and the sweet sensation that came with it.

His cock was thick and full against his stomach and he wraps his free hand around it. He strokes himself vigorously, while pushing the dildo inside him at the same time. It only took a few more strokes before he came all over his hand and moans Harry’s name.

He lets out shaky breath, and pulls out the dildo from his entrance and puts it on the floor with his discarded boxers. He sighs and wipes his hand on some tissues he got from his bedside table, then lays on his front, face pressed against his pillow, feeling worn and defeated.

Then he laid on his side, continued to breathe heavily and realized how sad and desperate he really is. He’s still thinking about Harry. In fact, he’s thinking about cuddling with Harry right now. How he badly wanted to bury his face in his chest after a moment like that with him.

He pulls his sheets to cover his shoulders and starts to drift off as he pictures himself curling up beside Harry. He slept through Sunday afternoon, crestfallen and exhausted; choosing to dream of what he wants to do to the boy with green orbs instead of facing the fact that it should never happen in real life.

——

On Monday morning, Louis went to work with the memory of the weekend pushed back to the farthest corner of his mind. He continued to act like nothing happened and Harry never approached him; so Louis kept quiet. Pretending like nothing happened was easy when the other person was riding along, as well.

It was Wednesday afternoon and the week was halfway through, and Louis still hadn’t seen or talked to Harry. He was starting to worry that Harry took his rejection way too seriously and decided to avoid him, too. But Louis rejected him so they could have a good professional relationship and it hadn’t occurred to him that he can’t even have that with Harry.

Though as always, Harry seemed to have the perfect timing because just then he receives an email from him.

“Hi Louis, could you please come into my office for a quick meeting later? I’m available around half past two.

\- H”

Louis’ felt himself flush. This is it, he thought, he was finally going to know what Harry’s planning to do with him.

When the clock on his computer screen told him that it was a quarter past two, Louis started to get up from his desk and walk towards Harry’s office. His palms were sweaty with apprehension, but he kept walking until he reached Harry’s door. After his secretary informed Harry that Louis was there to see him, he went inside and saw Harry sat on his chair, looking at him with what Louis thought was remorse.

“Hi Louis, thanks for coming,” Harry greeted him with his usual smile but there seemed to be a hint of sadness in his eyes, and it broke Louis’ heart a little, thinking it might be because of him.

‘ _But that’s absurd_ ,’ he thought to himself. ‘ _Last Saturday was probably just an act of spontaneity. He was upset and I was there,_ ’ he rationed.

Louis gave him a small smile, hiding his nervousness. As he entered Harry’s office, Louis hoped with all his might that he could keep his composure even as the butterflies returned.


	4. Chapter Three

Louis entered Harry’s office thinking that Harry was mad at him for not giving him what he wanted, but instead he saw what looked like remorse in his eyes. He thought Harry would be cross with him because he left after such a passionate kiss, so he was surprised when he heard Harry’s next words.

“I’m really sorry, Louis. I’m sorry for kissing you last Saturday, and I’m sorry for acting like a total arse.”

Louis stared at Harry dumbfounded but the older man didn’t seem to notice as he continued, “I understand why you rejected me; and I apologize for abusing my authority over you. I know I shouldn’t have initiated that kiss, but I just couldn’t stand you flirting with that fellow. It’s just that I like you Louis, I really do, and I can’t stop thinking about you ever since that day I saw you. I know you probably don’t like me and that you might have only kissed me back because I’m your boss and you felt inclined to do so, but please know that I do understand where you’re coming from and I respect that. I’m sorry for being such a twat. And don’t worry because I won’t do it again, now that your feelings are clear. Okay?”

Louis was stunned. Out of all the possible ways this meeting could go, he never thought that this was how it would transpire. He hadn’t thought Harry wanted him this much. To be honest, he thought that Harry kissed him because he was upset and Louis was the only one who was there for him at that time. His judgment was clouded and Louis was too distracted by Harry to resist him (at the start anyways). Sure, maybe Harry secretly fancied him, but he hadn’t thought that it would go any deeper than sex. The thought of Harry even wanting him perplexed Louis. Harry could have anyone he wanted so why would he want Louis??

Harry seemed to notice Louis’ bewilderment as his apologetic expression turned into a worrying one.

“Okay, maybe it’s too much to ask for your forgiveness, but at least tell me that you’ll stay?” Harry asked in a panicked tone.

Louis was still baffled, though his knit eyebrows started to raise as the question registered in Louis’ mind. “Of course, I’m staying,” Louis replied. “I hadn’t even thought of leaving,” he added.

Harry sighed, relieved, “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that you had a frown on and I thought this would affect our relationship - I mean our professional relationship and I’m not sure if you would want to work for an arse like me.”

A nervous laughter followed his words as Harry tried to lighten the atmosphere around them. Although the topic was serious, he didn’t want Louis to feel any more uncomfortable with him than he already is. However, Harry still couldn’t decipher what Louis was thinking when he silently left the office.

Harry let Louis go, wanting to give him some time and space away from his arse of a boss; and he also needed time to recover himself from that embarrassment that lasted way too long than it should have.

On the other hand, Louis leaves Harry’s office even more confused. He’s actually still trying to process what happened two hours after the meeting occurred, when his phone buzzed from a text message he received.

           “Got a gig later tonight at a pub in your city, come see me? - Niall”

Louis hadn’t thought much about Niall, but when he received his text, he realized that he missed the funny blonde-haired boy. He missed the way they talked, and how comfortable he was with Niall. His head was also clogged from all that’s happened these past few days, and he badly needed to talk to someone about it. He would talk to Zayn, but he’s become too overprotective of Louis when it comes to Harry. He knew he needed a completely objective opinion from someone else and something in him knew that Niall was a good choice for this.

            “Yeah, alright. Wanna go have dinner first?” he replied.

            “Tomlinson, are you asking me out on a date? Because if you do, you’re paying!”

Louis smiled, knowing that Niall was joking. His heart warmed at the thought of seeing his friend again. He texted Niall the time and the place they’d meet and went back to work. He was still distracted by what Harry had said to him though, and so he didn’t get much work done when the clock struck six and it was time to meet with Niall.

——

They met at Nando’s which was several blocks away from Louis office. He was grateful for the distance. As it lessens the chances of Louis and Harry running into one another and having another meeting he was unprepared for.

Louis arrived first, which was really the time they said they’d meet, but he waited patiently for the Irish lad. Half an hour passed before Niall appeared, and approached Louis as he was deep in thought. Louis hadn’t even realized Niall was there until the boy sat in front of him and clapped his hands. The sound sent Louis jolting back to reality and he was surprised that Niall somehow materialized in front of him.

“All right, mate?” the Irish lad asked in concern.

“You’re late,” Louis stated, ignoring the question.

“What happened to you?” Niall asked, ignoring the fact that Louis ignored his question.

“It’s Harry,” Louis sighed.

“Your boss?” Niall asked for confirmation, yet his tone lacked surprise, not that Louis was cognizant of that.

Louis nodded and then started to narrate what had happened from Saturday until today (withholding last Sunday, of course); and Niall just listened, nodding his head every once in a while urging Louis to continue.

When he finished, Niall’s expression was indecipherable. He didn’t look surprised, but he didn’t look confused, either. This puzzled Louis because he felt like Niall knew more than him, which was absurd because he’s only met the lad a couple days ago, and he knew even less about him or Harry. But maybe Niall was just indifferent, after all he was a mere third party with no personal interest in the matter and might have only been forced to listen to Louis’ personal issues because he was too kind to say no.

Still, Louis asked him shyly, “So, um, any advice?”

“Well mate, I thought it was obvious,” Niall replied.

“What??” Louis was still confused.

“That Harry likes you, idiot," Niall was blunt and sounded so sure of this, yet Louis still found it hard to believe.

Harry already told him that he liked him, but he still hadn't thought it was true. A part of him wanted to believe it, wanted to dance goofily at the thought of Harry pining for Louis. However, there was still a part of him that doubted it, that convinced him Harry was only fooling around, or maybe he only said those to make Louis feel better. It all just felt too surreal to him.

When Louis didn't reply to Niall after a few minutes, Niall started again.

"Remember that day we met and Harry arrived and put his hand on your back, claiming his own territory?" Niall's tone was joking, but his eyes were serious.

Louis remembered Harry being a bit off that time, but he dismissed it thinking it was nothing.

“Do you mean, his hand on my back was him being jealous?” Louis asked with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Yes, you dumb twat,” Niall sighed, exasperated with Louis’ thickness.

“And obviously, before you guys sucked each other’s faces off, Harry was mad because you kept making googly eyes with that model.”

“But I thought he was angry from all the stress!” Louis was shocked.

“Bloody hell!! You’re thicker than the walls around here, aren’t ya?” Niall chuckled, and Louis couldn’t stop himself from joining in.

 _‘All this time, Harry had liked him back and he didn’t even notice!’_ Louis thought. For the first time today, he wasn’t confused anymore, he just felt daft. When the laughter ceased, Niall stood up to order for him and Louis, glad to have something to appease their grumbling stomachs, which Louis hadn’t really realized until Niall asked him what he wanted.

Niall ordered his usual, a double chicken wrap, no lettuce, with spicy rice, medium wings, and perinaise; while Louis ordered his, half chicken with creamy mash and perinaise sauce. And when Niall came back with their order, their conversation continued.

“So, what do you think should I do now?” Louis asked his friend.

“What do you want to do, mate?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well you said you didn’t want to ruin your ‘professional relationship’ or whatever,” Niall raised his fingers to gesture quotation marks as he said ‘professional relationship.’

Louis rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah, I don’t. Think about all the repercussions if we don’t work out!”

“Alright, alright,” Niall held up his hands gesturing defeat.

Louis was actually implying the repercussions for their work environment but he also wanted to add that there were possible repercussions for his well-being, too. Because what he didn’t tell Niall was that he hasn’t been with anyone since his remission and he’s not sure if he’s ready to be with someone right now. He’s been okay for so long, but he’s been alone, too. He didn’t feel ready for a relationship yet because he was too afraid it would end up like the last one.

Sure, he likes Harry but Louis still isn’t sure if he’s worth that risk. He wished Harry hadn’t told him, honestly. He wanted things to get back to normal, when he pined for his boss and dismissed his affections as nothing but a crush; and the older man pined for him, as well, without his knowledge. He wanted to go back to when he wasn’t confused most of the time and he was the only one acting like an idiot.

Niall seemed to sense Louis getting lost in thought again and decided to change the topic.

“So I’m excited for tonight!” he said enthused. “I’ve written a few new songs and it’ll be the first time I’m going to let people hear it.”

Louis smiled, showing his appreciation for Niall’s company. He was grateful for this new friendship blossoming in front of him. So he tried his best to reciprocate his Irish mate’s enthusiasm as their conversation flowed effortlessly, once again.

They talked about Niall’s songs, their favourite bands, and their favourite films. Louis found their chat soothing; and now that Louis’ head was clear he became cognizant of the warmth the bloke carried into the room whenever he was present. Louis welcomed it and felt relief as the day’s frustrations seemed to be carried away from him as their laughter echoed through the restaurant.

After leaving Nando’s, they walked towards the pub where Niall was supposed to open for a band Louis had never heard of. They were still chatting about random things when they finally arrived. The pub was pretty normal. The bar was at the side, the slightly small elevated platform in front served as the stage, and a few tables and booths were found at the back.

Niall waved at a group of people sitting in a booth, whom Louis assumed were his friends. Thankfully, they were all pretty friendly and Louis’ wasn’t too overwhelmed by them since their current topic was about football.

Niall introduced Louis to that table that consisted of Deo, Jon, Josh, Dan, Sandy and Lou. Most of them looked older than him and Niall, but Niall explained that he met most of them doing gigs. Jon, Josh, Dan, and Sandy were all in a band and Lou was just their mutual good friend who turned out to be a good mother and manager to them. They didn’t have any official contract really, but she hooks them up whenever she finds a gig. Meanwhile, the boys were currently in a nameless band, as they recently decided that their last name was crap. And last but not the least, was Deo, his childhood neighbor and friend, and also Josh’s brother.

The group was loud but they were welcoming, and when Louis sat down, they divided themselves into smaller groups, arguing whose team’s better. Their debate turned into a drinking game; Louis let himself have two pints and resisted the urge to have more. And when Niall was finally called to the stage, everyone cheered for him. There were even some girls sat on one of the tables that were hooting for Niall before he even started.

At the end of the night, Louis felt elated. Thoughts of Harry were no longer plaguing his mind and he’s met new friends that reminded him how to have fun. Niall’s songs were terrific and the band that followed was good, too. Louis couldn’t recall the last time he’s cheeks hurt this much from smiling. He thanked a buzzed Niall before he rode in a cab, and Niall gave him a warm hug in return.

“Give me a ring some time, yeah?” Niall told him.

“Yeah, alright. Have a good night, mate!” Louis cheered.


	5. Chapter Four

On Friday afternoon, Louis received another email from Harry asking him to meet him at his office whenever he’s free that day as he wanted to discuss the special issue with him. Louis hadn’t seen Harry since their last meeting, and he honestly felt a bit relieved for that. It was good to sort things out with Niall that night, but he also had to build up the courage to do what he was about to do the next time he met with Harry. And Louis was thankful Harry emailed him before they saw each other because it gave him time to prepare. Still, Louis was a bit nervous when he entered Harry’s almost too familiar office.

“Hi,” Harry greeted him with a weak smile; and Louis stopped a second to swallow the hurt in his throat, remembering the slight pain Harry felt because of him.

“Hello,” Louis tried on his most convincing smile.

“I want to talk to you about our special issue and the work you submitted to me after the shoot,” Harry said to Louis as he sat down. Everything about him was professional today, and sadly, Louis could feel the distance building between them. It’s not that Harry was close to him before but the smiles he gave Louis were more genuine and his tone towards him more warm. This caused him to have second thoughts on what he’s about to do, nevertheless, he knew he should still push through with it.

“Alright, but I want to tell you something first,” Louis was hesitant, but he felt he was urged to continue as Harry replied with silence.

“What happened last Saturday wasn’t your fault. It was ours, really- I mean, I didn’t know you felt the same for me but I wanted you just as much as you say you want me, Harry, and so when you kissed me I just couldn’t resist.” Louis couldn’t look Harry in the eyes as he said this, and he was rambling so he wasn’t entirely sure that Harry understood what he was saying but he kept on.

“And I ran out on you not because of the reasons you think I did. I don’t think you’re an arse, Harry. In fact, I think you’re wonderful and really sweet but I need this internship, and I don’t want to compromise our work environment or our professional relationship over what’s probably going to be an ephemeral romance. I just don’t think I can handle the repercussions of a relationship with you, and I hope you can understand that.”

Afterwards, Louis caught his breath, realizing he didn’t really pause between his words, out of nervousness. And as several seconds passed when Harry still remained silent, he lifted his gaze to a surprised Harry.

It turned out that Harry was speechless after hearing Louis’ words and Louis didn’t really know what to do about that so maintained the silence, ignoring the voices in his head telling him to run away and hide from shame. He lowered his gaze to the floor again as he felt his face flush from embarrassment and waited.

After a few minutes, Harry seemed to regain his composure and cleared his throat. “I- I understand, Louis,” he mumbled.

At that Louis looked up at Harry again with hopeful eyes. He almost grinned at the thought that they might return to how they were before all this had happened, but he didn’t and cautiously gave him a soft smile instead. ‘ _It can’t be that easy_ ,’ Louis thought. So he waited, he waited for the catch, for the other shoe to drop and while he did, an awkward silence stretched between them once again.

“So, about the work you submitted,” Harry said, disturbing the silence. He seemed eager to move past the subject, “you took some great photos, Louis, but I’m not quite sure about the layout of everything.”

“Oh,” Louis replied, “what about the layout?”

And as Harry explained what he wanted Louis to tweak and to change completely, Louis became aware of how Harry was finally treating him the same way he treated him before, as his intern, and he just couldn’t help but feel sad about that.

‘ _This is absurd_ ,’ Louis thought, ‘ _this is what you wanted, Tomlinson. Now deal with it._ ’

The changes Harry wanted for the old layout caused Louis to work overtime and almost everyone has left the office except him, Harry and Liam. He was almost done when Liam approached him, “Hey mate, it’s Friday night. Aren’t you supposed to be out and having fun with your friends?”

“Yeah well, the boss wanted me to do some changes to the old layout and it lead me to change it entirely; but, I think this one’s better and I just want to finish it before I leave, that’s all.”

Liam laughed at Louis, amused by the intern’s zeal for his work. It’s been quite a while since he found someone who loves what he’s doing, and it was amazing to know a person like that works in his office.

Louis was too shy to raise his eyebrow at Liam, even though he was curious to know why the man was laughing at him. They haven’t really talked very much since he’s been here so he isn’t that close with Liam, yet. Though Louis wasn’t offended because Liam’s smile was so sincere, his heart softened right away for him.

“Well, if you’re almost done then do you want to come join me for dinner?” Liam asked Louis, amusement still showing on his face.

Louis didn’t want to read into Liam’s offer so much, since there was nothing but friendliness in the lad’s voice, so he nodded in agreement then said, “Sure, that sounds great.”

This was a great opportunity to get to know Liam, and maybe they could even be ‘work friends’ if everything goes well.

“Brilliant!” Liam exclaimed. And as Harry was leaving his office, Liam calls out to him, “Harry, guess who’s joining us for dinner?”

Louis froze. Obviously, he hadn’t thought Harry would be going with them as well, and he really hoped Liam mentioned it when he asked him. He couldn’t retract his words now though, that would be too rude. He looked at Harry out of the corner of his eye, trying to read his expression. ‘ _Maybe he’d decline or make up an excuse_ ,’ Louis thought. He hoped that just like him, Harry had enough of awkward silences for today, however that didn’t seem the case.

“It’s Louis!” Liam went on, unfazed by Harry’s knowing look. There wasn’t really anyone else in the office besides Louis, anyways.

Harry smiled, and Louis swears he thought Harry’s eyes lit up too, but he couldn’t be too sure since he was avoiding looking at Harry directly. The beautiful sight of him still hurt a bit, especially now that he knew he can’t have him.

“That sounds great, Louis,” Harry told Louis, who was still frozen in his place.

“Funny, that was exactly what he said,” Liam said to Harry. He was completely oblivious to what was happening between Louis and Harry though, or at least that’s what he’s letting on.

Louis shook himself back to reality and took a breath before he packed his stuff. He can’t let Harry see him all shaken up, not when he was giving Louis exactly what he asked for. He was going to continue acting like he’s alright until he’s at home, he concluded. He can’t break in front of people, especially not Harry. And upon leaving his desk, he was able to gather enough strength to say, “All right, let’s go!” with so much more energy he thought he could conjure.

The restaurant they went to is almost similar to the one Harry took him to that night they went out. It was just as classy but this had a more intimate and professional ambience rather than a romantic one. They were at a table instead of a booth, and Liam was effortlessly leading their conversations; and Louis was thankful for that because it meant that he was often talking to Liam instead of Harry.

The conversations were mostly related to work, really and Louis was glad. It reminded him that this was more of a lunch meeting rather than a date, which relieved Louis, if he was honest. It was lovely to know Liam, but if Harry starts talking about himself, Louis might once more be captivated by the lad and he doesn’t want to torture himself like that. Still, he couldn’t help stealing glances at the ravishing man as Liam chatted away.

“So Harry told me how good you were at the shoot the other week,” Liam told Louis.

Louis felt himself flush at the compliment and at the thought that Harry was telling other people about him.

“Um, thanks,” Louis replied. “It was a great opportunity for me and I’m really thankful that it was offered to me.”

“Well, you deserved it,” Harry said bluntly.

Louis flushed a deeper shade of red and Liam laughed. “You’re quite amusing, aren’t you, Louis?”

Louis chuckled softly and “um...” was all he could say. He thought he even saw Harry shoot a look of disapproval towards the other lad.

“Well, excuse me for a bit. I just need to make a call,” Liam announced to the table as he stood up.

Louis’ eyes grew wide with alarm at the thought of being left with Harry. He wanted to pull Liam back down to his seat and ask him not to leave him alone with this man with the lovely green eyes. But instead, he watched defeatedly as Liam left and made his call outside.

“Hey, I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable, Louis,” Harry said to him a few minutes after they were left alone.

Louis wanted to ask Harry to stop saying his name like that, like there was a hidden desire when Harry said his name, almost like he wants Louis to fall to his knees at the mention of it; but he couldn’t help to think that he was only imagining it. ‘ _Stupid imagination,_ ’ Louis thought.

“It’s alright,” Louis tried to sound convincing and unperturbed.

“Why’d he have to make his call now, though???” Louis thought.

But his it turned out that he was thinking aloud, and was surprised when Harry answered him.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that Liam calls his girlfriend every night at a certain time because of their long distance relationship and all.”

Harry’s gave him an apologetic look and Louis felt his cheeks grow hot. “Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” but he couldn’t continue his sentence because he didn’t know what to say next.

“It’s okay,” Harry told him. “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable, but it’s a good thing he left us, too because I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier today.”

Louis fell silent, afraid to ask what Harry might be thinking, but before he even had the chance to, Harry continued.

“I know I said I understood your reasons for rejecting me, but I’ve thought about it and I really think that you should give us a chance.”

Louis eyes grew wide in disbelief and felt at a loss for words as Harry said this with determination in his eyes. His mouth was open slightly with shock, as well, and Harry took all of this as a sign that he should explain further.

“It’s not that I don’t respect your decision, but when you told me you like me just as much as I like you, I re-evaluated my previous decisions. I really like you and you really like me, and I promise that you won’t be risking your internship for this because I won’t let it. Even if we break up and you end up hating me or I end up hating you, although the second one seems highly impossible, I would never ask you to quit or give you a hard time due to our personal issues. I want you to know that you don’t have to worry about those ‘repercussions’ because they won’t happen. And if it does, you can always sue me for being a jerk or something like that. So you don’t have to let your fear of those things affect your decisions, alright? I just want you to know that.”

Harry was rambling, much like Louis earlier, and Louis felt a soft blow to his heart as he realized that Harry just poured out his heart to him.

He wanted to move closer to Harry, and calm his nerves by planting soft kisses on his face and neck, but he stopped himself. Those weren’t the only repercussions he was worried about, however he hadn’t told Harry that. So instead, Louis very softly replied, “Okay, Harry.”

“Okay?” Harry asked. There was hope in his eyes but Louis didn’t want him to expect too much.

“Okay, I’ll think about it,” Louis added.

At that, Harry smiled looking relieved that he somewhat convinced Louis to consider his proposal. It looked as if he was going to say more however, Liam suddenly arrived at their table.

“Sorry, that was a bit longer than I expected. I hope you didn’t miss me too much, lads,” Liam greeted them.

“We’re good, mate. Louis and I had a good chat while you were gone,” Harry said, smiling wide.

“Well, it certainly looks like your spirit’s lifted,” Liam observed. “So who wants to get drinks?” he looked at the two, encouragingly.

Louis shook his head, “I’m good, Liam. I’m a bit tired so I’m gonna head home, alright?”

Harry frowned, looking worried, but Louis ignored him. He was exhausted, and he wasn’t really up for any more socializing after everything that’s happened.

“Aw, okay. See you on Monday, Louis!” Liam said as Louis got up to leave.

“See you! And massive thanks for dinner.” Louis smiled at the two of them and left.

And for what seems like the nth time, Louis left in perplexity over Harry’s words.


	6. Chapter Five

It was Saturday night and Louis and Zayn were dressed for a night out. It’s been quite a while since the two left their flat and spent a night out together ever since his internship started; but, Niall invited Louis to another gig and Louis happily asked if he could bring a friend. In truth, he hadn’t just wanted to bring Zayn out with him, he also wanted to show his friend how much better he’s doing even in uncontrollable environments. Ever since this Harry thing, Zayn had been more worried about him than usual and he just wanted to remind his friend that he’s doing fine and can take perfectly good care of himself even when he’s not there.

Meanwhile, Zayn just thought that Louis was doing this because he wanted a distraction. Louis’ told him what had happened between him and Harry last night, and knowing Louis, he wanted to not think about his problems until he really needed to. So this was just a way to kill time, and avoid the things he really needed to think about. But Zayn was glad to come with because he hadn’t seen Louis this excited about a night out to see a friend except for him, to be honest. It’s good that he’s slowly settling back into his old confident and energetic self. Well, the old self he’d heard of anyways.

Zayn loves the Louis he knows now, really. He loves the quiet Louis who likes to stay in, watch a film and eat pizza with him; he loves that Louis texts him whenever they’re not together and just tells him all these inconsequential stuff that happens to him whenever they aren’t together and asks him to do the same; and he loves how Louis feels so at home with him, that he’s comfortable enough to tell him when he’s having a bad day. He loves all these things about Louis, but it’s also sad to see Louis still get hit by waves of sadness on random days; and on these days he just shuts himself away from the world as if he’s not important. During these days, Zayn stays in with him, keeping him company and wishing to whoever’s up there in heaven to help him shield his friend from this unwanted misery.

Zayn heard stories of Louis’ old self, though. He met this girl who knew Louis back in college; and she told him how surprised she was that Louis seemed to have changed entirely. She told him that before uni, Louis was almost always the center of attention and he was the person everyone turned to for a joke or a good story. She was astonished to find a quiet Louis since he was always the rowdy one in the bunch before. Zayn felt quite melancholic as he learned this. A part of him wanted to meet this version of Louis, and ask him to stay. Seeing Louis hurting was painful for Zayn. He couldn't help but think that maybe if he knew the old Louis, he could’ve stopped these colossal changes from happening. But Zayn knew that wasn’t possible. Depression was a sickness and he couldn’t have stopped it even if he willed the entire human race to watch over Louis.

So Zayn helped Louis get better as best as he could, and now that he’s recovering so well, he just wanted to keep Louis’ in good health. And so he agreed to go to the pub with his friend, wanting to keep a close eye on Louis to make sure he's okay. He also wanted to meet this Irish bloke that Louis seems so fond of and check if he really is a good lad. Like always, Zayn is ready to protect Louis as best as he can beyond the safe boundaries of their home.

Zayn and Louis arrive at the pub just in time for Niall’s performance. He was playing the song he played last time, the one about him being able to love the person more than her lover can love her. It was an acoustic song so the crowd wasn't rumbustious like usual, and because of that Louis didn’t have a hard time finding Deo sat on one of the tables with a bunch people. This time though, the rest of the gang wasn’t with him; instead, he saw several people he met from the shoot the other day. There were four people from the production staff and three models from the shoo. Louis wasn’t even surprised that Niall befriended these models. He was a very friendly and a very charming bloke. But production staff or models, Louis still couldn’t remember most of their names; luckily though, they reintroduced themselves when Louis arrived at the table with Zayn.

After their reintroduction, Louis observed the table and noticed that although this group was bigger, they weren’t as welcoming as the last gang. These people divided themselves into smaller groups, although subtly, and talked amongst those groups; except the models tried to include Zayn in their conversation, probably because they thought he was hot.

Louis wasn't surprised. Whenever he went out with Zayn, he used to think that he was the ugly friend, who everyone only felt obligated to talk to because he was next to Zayn. But during his recovery, he realized that it doesn't have anything to do with him, really. Zayn was Zayn, and Louis was Louis. Zayn usually made heads turn whenever he entered a room but that wasn't a trait everyone could be born with, really. He also realized that there were people who turned their heads whenever he entered the room, too. Sometimes, he just didn't notice him because he was too busy worrying about his own insecurities. So Louis learned to not feel bad whenever this happened.

Besides, Zayn was bisexual but he didn't seem interested in these models. They were very attractive, but in quite a jarring way. Zayn was more interested in people who had the same type of personality as he did. Clearly, these models weren't that. Still, Louis saw how Zayn kept close to him even though the models kept urging him to move closer to them. They complained that they couldn't really hear him from the opposite side of the table, _'as if the table's really that long_ ,' Louis thought. But Zayn just smiled at them politely and shook his head. He seemed more comfortable with Deo, too.

On the other hand, since Louis wasn't that much included as Zayn, he joined Deo instead. Deo was drinking his beer and watching Niall, quietly. In fact, Louis observed that he was really the only one who was actually listening to Niall, but Louis didn’t say that out loud.

Soon the flirty models seemed to take the hint and released Zayn. When that happened, Zayn was finally able to listen to Niall quietly, too. And when Niall finished, the table greeted him and congratulated him on a great show.

As Niall sat down, he turned to Louis and said, “Glad to see you made it, mate.”

“We made it just in time for your show. You sound great, by the way.” Louis gave him a warm smile; and almost forgot to introduce his friend, “Oh, and this is Zayn.”

Zayn smiled at Niall and held out his hand for him to shake. He also congratulated him on an amazing show and told him how much he liked his tunes. Niall gave him a wide smile that reached his big blue eyes in return.

Niall talked to everyone around the table after meeting with Zayn; while, Louis and Zayn settled into a conversation with Deo about the current music artists and their favourite tunes. And just as Niall sat with them, Cedric, the model who kept on flirting with Louis the other day, arrived.

He looked stunning in his black shirt and ripped jeans. Louis almost choked on his iced tea as he saw him wave at him. Louis looked around him, wondering if Cedric was supposed to meet someone who was near him.

Then Louis remembered the other models at their table and realized that Cedric was probably waving at them instead of him. Still, Louis could swear that he was looking straight at him when he waved so he smiled back instead, thinking it was safer to smile than embarrassingly raise his hand when he wasn’t the one being waved at.

However, it was clear that Cedric was waving at Louis when he walked towards Louis as he approached their table. When he finally reached them, he said hello, meaning it for everyone but looking only at Louis. Louis blushed, forgetting the warm feeling he got whenever Cedric was there.

Zayn raised his eyebrows at Louis, wanting to ask what was happening, and Louis just looked at him with wide eyes, begging him not to make a big deal out of it.

“I’m Cedric,” said the lad who just arrived, as he finally seemed to notice that other people were sat on the table, too. He extended his hand to Deo and Zayn, who seemed to be the only ones who he hasn’t met yet. And they returned his handshake and introduced themselves, as well.

Hours passed and it was obvious that Cedric didn’t come here to support Niall or to meet with his model friends. The only person he really talked to was Louis, and Louis didn’t really mind.

Thankfully, Zayn got along really well with Deo and ended up sitting near the bar with him. Zayn hesitated before they left the table but Louis gave him a bit of a shove, nodding as if to say that’s he’s alright in Cedric’s company.

Cedric was sweet and funny, and he wouldn’t stop flirting with Louis. Louis was bashful at first, but then he started to feel more comfortable with the lad and then became coquettish himself. They laughed the night away and in that moment, Louis barely felt the weight in his chest that built up because of the events that happened to him for the last few days.

“I want to admit something to you, Louis,” Cedric said.

“What?” Louis was curious.

“I didn’t come here to hear Niall,” Cedric was looking at the floor now.

“Oh really,” Louis said as he rolled his eyes, “I sort of figured that out when you arrived after Niall was done playing.”

Cedric laughed, “Hey, I might’ve just been late, you know,” he retorted.

Louis laughed and said, “So what are you admitting exactly???”

“My friend just told me about this gig and I remembered you were pretty close with Niall during the shoot so I came here hoping to see you,” Cedric blushed a bit but he looked at Louis straight in the eyes as he said this.

Louis was taken off guard by Cedric’s confession; and the blush on his cheeks spread to his whole face, making it unable for Louis to hide that he was touched by his honesty.

“Well, I’m glad you came,” Louis said finally when the redness finally receded.

Cedric smiled, happy to have gotten that out his chest, and Louis smiled back, feeling lucky to have met this endearing person. They were both smiling goofily at each other when Cedric remembered that he didn’t have Louis' number yet.

So Cedric gave his phone to Louis and said, “Hey so, what's your number?”

“Let me,” Louis replied as he got Cedric's phone and saved his phone number himself.

Cedric got Louis’ phone and saved his number as well, including a picture of him blowing a kiss as his contact photo. Louis just laughed at him as he returned his phone.

After a few more hours of flirting and several good conversations, they finally decided that it was time to go home. As they headed for the exit, Cedric asked if he could drive him and Zayn home. The others looted as they heard this and cried that he should take them all home. But Cedric just shrugged them off, looking only at Louis.

Louis refused his offer, saying that he shouldn’t bother because they were planning to get a cab anyway; but Cedric was persistent and eventually Zayn was the one who gave in for both of them.

Louis sat in the passenger seat and Zayn sat in the back. The ride was short but there was a lot of small talk that happened, mostly between Zayn and Cedric. They hadn’t really talked in the pub and Cedric felt that Zayn was an important person in Louis’ life so he wanted to get to know him.

Zayn was happy to finally be able to have a chat with the bloke who only paid attention to his friend the entire night. He seemed nice enough, but Zayn was still cautious, not wanting to give the lad too much hope for Louis’ affection. After all, there was still this Harry bloke who he knew was still bothering Louis, although he hoped that that wouldn’t turn into something that Louis can’t handle. So he kept the conversation light until they reached their building.

When Louis and Zayn got out of the car, Cedric got out as well. Louis shot Zayn a look saying that he should head up first, so he could say good bye to his friend and thank him for the night. Zayn rolled his eyes but did as he was told.

After Zayn had left, Louis and Cedric lingered near the car and were bathed in silence for a while. After a few seconds, Cedric chuckled softly and tucked a loose strand of black hair behind his ear. Louis scratched his neck, not knowing what to do. ‘ _God, we look like a bunch of teenagers,_ ’ Louis thought.

“So-,” Cedric said finally.

“So…” Louis copied him.

“Can I ask you a question, Louis?”

“Hm…”

“Can I kiss you?” Cedric asked coyly.

Louis stared at the ground as he felt his cheeks grow hot but gave a small nod in reply.

And with that, Cedric slowly lifted Louis’ chin and gave him a soft innocent kiss. It lasted only for a few seconds but it was enough time to catapult Louis’ thoughts to images of Harry. He recalled Harry’s hard and intense kiss, his greedy hands on Louis, and the hunger in his eyes. Suddenly, the long wavy black hair turned into brown curls, and Louis no longer saw Cedric in front of him, but instead saw Harry.

He gasped in shock, and Cedric stepped back, reading the horror in Louis face.

‘ _God, I was doing so well, tonight! Why did I have to see his face now????_ ’ Louis chided himself.

But as he was mentally smacking himself, he remembered Cedric, and the look of horror he gave after their kiss.

“I’m sorry!” He said almost immediately. “It wasn’t because of you. I just remembered someone- I mean something. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Thank you for tonight though, I had such a wonderful time.” And with that Louis ran up to his flat from shame and from disbelief over what he’d done. He didn’t even give time for Cedric to speak before he left.

Louis ran straight to his room as he entered their flat, and told Zayn that he was tired when he knocked softly on his door and asked Louis if he was okay. Louis felt frustrated with himself. Here was Cedric, sweet and funny, who showed conspicuous affection for Louis. He offered no complications and he didn’t give Louis a heavy feeling whenever they were together. But there also weren’t any butterflies, Louis realized; and he didn’t feel any electric currents pass through him when they kissed.

Louis buried his face in his pillows and hid under his sheets, wanting to redo how his night ended. “It was such a good night,” Louis sighed. But thoughts of Harry still kept popping up in his head and as much as he tried to push them away, he just couldn’t.

And as he did his best to swallow the butterflies in his stomach that came with unwanted thoughts of Harry, he started to drift off to sleep, and ended up dreaming about coffee-coloured hair and emerald green eyes.


	7. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! I hope you've been patient with me. xx

Louis' hands were cold and trembling as he knocked on the door to Harry's office. What he was about to do was nerve-racking but Louis wanted to do it this morning, and not prolong the agony. It was a good thing too because as soon as Louis entered the room, Harry's face lit up.

Louis’ breath hitched in his throat as he took in the sight of Harry. His boss was sitting down and he was wearing a white polo shirt with the top buttons undone again. Louis wanted to touch his chest again, to feel if his heart was beating as fast as his own. Instead he stood by the door, his nerves getting the better of him and when Harry smiled at him almost reassuringly, fluttering butterflies replaced the churning feeling in his stomach.

 _‘This is a good way to start a morning,’_ Louis thought. However, Harry’s smile faltered for a few seconds after seeing Louis' nervous expression.

"Good morning, Louis," Harry says. And Louis face goes pink at the mention of his name but this time, he doesn't try to hide it anymore. ' _What's the point_ ,' Louis thought.

Louis sighed, then sat down. "Good morning, Harry. So I came here to ask you something."

There was a short silence that followed due to the short dispute going on in Louis’ head, ' _You can do this, Tomlinson. You've been rewriting and rewriting this moment in your head, it's about time to make it happen._ ' part of him thought. ' _But what if he's changed his mind??_ ' the other part of him countered. ' _You'll never know if you don't fucking ask, so just do it!'_ and with that, he finally speaks up.

"Do you wanna go on a date with me tonight, Harry?" Louis asked, stumbling on each word as if he's afraid he's going to forget them before they come out of his mouth.

And upon hearing Louis' words, Harry's face again lights up. He thought that Louis would need more time to think about his offer, and then he'd ask him again after a few days. He hadn't thought that Louis was going to be the one to ask him out. The surprise in his face must've frightened Louis though because then he said, "It's okay if you're busy or if you don't want to anymore. I mean, I won’t hold it against you or anything."

"No, no! I want to, Louis. I'm sorry, it just took me by surprise because I hadn't thought you were gonna ask me before I asked you again." Harry explained. It might've sounded desperate but he’d already told Louis that he'd been pining over him since day one so what's the point in hiding it really.

"Really?" Louis asked with his wide blue eyes full of disbelief.

"Really," Harry gave Louis a smile so genuine and so wide, Louis was afraid his face was going to split in half.

"Alright, see you later then." Louis smiled back as he exhaled a sigh of relief. He'd finally done it! He'd finally asked Harry out! Louis wanted to shriek with glee, though he managed to contain himself before he walked out of Harry's office.

He left Harry with a light in his eyes and a face-splitting grin, but Louis knew he still can't commit to his feelings just yet.

Louis spent his entire Sunday brooding. He couldn’t stop thoughts of Harry running through his head no matter how much he tried; and he vaguely remembers it but he’s sure it was his curls and perfect lips he saw in his dreams the previous night.

In the end, Louis finally resigned to his stupid feelings. He realized that he already had several constructive self-destructive habits like brushing his teeth until his gums bleed, running laps until his lungs feels like it’ll collapse, and pushing himself to his limits whenever a project was given to him until he feels that he’s done everything he could. These habits were what was left of his self-destructive tendencies; and although they aren’t the healthiest outlets, they’re still somewhat self-constructive so he kept on. With that realization, he convinced himself that being with Harry might just be the same thing.

Sure, whatever happens between them will inevitably end but, this time he’d be prepared for that and he won’t let himself fall over the edge again. Plus, that’s something to worry about for the future. Right now, he wanted Harry and Harry wanted him; and there’s no use in denying themselves of the pleasure of being with each other, however short that time may be, if his brain won’t cooperate.

Louis knows this isn’t the healthiest way to start a relationship but he didn’t care about that, to be honest. It’s been awhile since he wanted to be with anyone this much; and he could see how wonderful Harry really is. He knows he’ll beat himself up if he didn’t take this chance.

He’s also convinced himself that this won’t affect his healing period in any way because he wasn’t going to get too attached. Harry might like him now but he knows he’ll leave soon, so before that even happens, he’s going to be the first one to walk away. This was his way of saving himself and what pushed him to ask Harry out. Honestly though, after seeing Harry again today, Louis couldn’t help but worry that he might not have the courage to follow through with his initial plans. Harry’s effect on him was so intense, he doesn’t know if he would be able to control himself around him. Louis told himself that he could though, he wasn’t sure if it was the truth but he chose to believe it anyways.

Despite Louis trying his best not to get overly excited for tonight, he still couldn't help but feel like he's floating the entire day. He hadn’t even noticed his head was in the clouds so he was surprised when 6pm struck; and Harry was by his worktable so fast he hasn't even finished fixing his things yet.

Louis suddenly blushed with embarrassment at the mess in front of him.

"I'm sorry for the mess," he said.

Harry chuckled and answered him with a smile, "'Salright. You're an artist so it would be weird if your things aren't in chaos."

Louis blushed a deeper shade of red and smiled at what Harry said. He liked Harry giving him compliments, he might've not believed them if Harry wasn't the one who said them, actually. It's kind of hard to doubt someone with such a genuine smile, the kind that reaches his eyes and makes anyone who sees it smile, as well.

Louis quickly shoved the rest of his things in his bag and stood up, still smiling, ready to follow Harry to his car.

Louis wanted to bring Harry somewhere only he was familiar with but wasn't too crowded, as well. That way Harry gets to try something new and Louis won't get too overwhelmed with everything. So he brings Harry to a small pizza parlour a couple of blocks away from his flat. It's his and Zayn's favourite place to get pizza and he thought Harry might like it, too.

The place usually catered to uni students so he was right in his assumptions that Harry didn't know this place existed. He was glad for that too because as soon as Harry entered the restaurant, his face lit up like he's just discovered how to make pasta or something just as amazing.

Louis didn't blame him though. The place was glorious and he thinks he had the same look on his face the first time he stepped foot on it, too.

The restaurant was small and simple. It was Italian themed like most pizzerias, green, white and red linen covered the wooden tables and small paintings hung on the walls. It was quiet and peaceful, and their food was divine.

They sat at a booth near the kitchen which was Zayn's' favourite spot. You could smell the food; and it was almost as if the smell alone could satisfy your hunger, or it could also make you hungrier. It depends, really.

Louis used to hate it here. Sure, he found the place glorious but everything else was triggering for him. Back then, the smell alone made his throat itch, even if there wasn't any food in his stomach yet.

As he was recovering though, it slowly became Louis' favourite, too.

Louis was so glad he met Harry now that he's better. He probably wouldn't trust himself enough to actually give this a chance, otherwise.

Currently though, Louis was worried how they're date would go. Although, he knew Harry was a good conversationalist, he was still afraid it would be gauche as most first dates go.

The car ride almost made his worries disappear though. Harry played some indie tunes Louis had never heard of and when he admitted this to Harry, his shocked expression was priceless. Louis wanted to laugh, but really, finding out Harry's a music junkie’s quite endearing. On the other hand, he himself's mostly listened to mainstream artists so he was more familiar with the usual pop, punk and indie tunes played on the radio; but, this was obviously not enough for Harry. Harry began blasting his playlist full of unfamiliar tunes after that.

They were good, Louis observed. But after a few songs he got lost at the sight of Harry. He changed into a loose black t-shirt that made him look even sexier than usual. His chest wasn’t on display anymore but he looked more relaxed now, and Louis brazenly admired his beauty.

Harry hummed along to every tune, and several times, he even checked to see if Louis was actually listening.  As soon as he caught Louis looking at him though, he blushed and turned to look at the road, as if he suddenly became self-conscious. ' _Good_ ,' Louis thought, ' _I'm glad I'm not the only one blushing anymore._ '

At the restaurant, Harry continues with his lecture on how Louis should give more importance to music and how he should exert more effort in trying to find them. Louis tries his best to defend himself with what little knowledge (compared to Harry anyways) he’s got on the subject. Finally, Harry tells Louis that he’s going to take it upon himself to mentor Louis through his journey to discovering good music. And after that, they started to talk about random stuff, really.

Their conversation flowed so freely that by the time the waiter arrived at their table with their food, Louis’ worries already vanished completely. He forgot how comfortable he is with Harry.  There were no uncomfortable silences, and instead there were genuine smiles and laughter being exchanged between them.

Soon enough, their playful banter turned into flirting; and Louis didn't know how he went from bashful to bold and coquettish only in a span of one night. Mentally, he shrugged thinking, ' _it must be another Harry effect_.' And then he started to wonder what other effects Harry must have on him. He would have started to worry, if only he wasn’t too preoccupied with Harry's green orbs and the fluttering butterflies in his stomach.

It didn’t help that the night still felt so surreal to Louis. In fact, he kept stealing glances at Harry whenever he wasn't looking. He was caught several times but he just smiled, playing it casual. When in truth, he really just needed to look at him to grasp that this is reality. He also couldn’t help but notice that Harry did the same. He caught him stealing glances at him, too, when he thought Louis wasn't looking (which was rare, to be honest, with Louis trying to do the same). Except Harry had that look in his eyes. Louis can’t explain it really, it’s more of a feeling. He felt like Harry could see right through him with his piercing green eyes. It elicited a warm feeling inside Louis, too, and he felt that he was going to melt right in front of Harry. Louis doesn’t know exactly what the look means but he very much likes the feeling it gives him.

When Harry realized that he was staring at Louis, he seemed to shake it off quickly thinking of new things to talk about. Louis acts like he doesn’t notice and he happily carries on the random conversation.

After dinner, Harry drives Louis home and even during their drive, it seemed that they just couldn’t run out of things to talk about. Harry asked Louis a lot of questions that didn’t make much sense to Louis like what his favourite cartoon is and what was his favourite time of the day. Meanwhile, Louis’ realized that he wanted to get to know Harry, too. He wanted to memorize every single fact Harry mentioned about himself. He wanted to know Harry like the back of his hand, which Louis knows sounds a bit obsessive but it was still very much true.

When they arrive at the front of Louis’ building, Harry opens Louis door and starts to say good night.

“So um, thank you for the date. I really enjoyed it,” Harry’s deep voice was slow and raspy.

“Thank you for coming. I had a good time, as well,” Louis smiled at the ground as he replied.

Suddenly he felt Harry’s fingers cup his chin and lift his head up. His eyes found Harry’s, and again Louis saw that look in his eyes that made him so weak, his knees almost buckled. Luckily, Harry put his arm around Louis’ waist and pulls him closer for a kiss.

Although the kiss was innocent, Louis still felt electrified as their lips touched. He even felt Harry smile as he gives him a few more chaste kisses.

Louis almost forgot that they were near his flat, and that he was supposed to have come upstairs before Zayn got worried. So as he started to realize this, he steps back a bit and says, “Thank you again. See you tomorrow, Harry.”

“Oh, alright. Have a good night, Louis,” Harry said, his smile never faltering.

And so Louis waves Harry goodbye and watches him drive away with a big genuine smile that Louis suspects is contagious; because he can’t help but smile back, as well.

Zayn was in the patio smoking when Louis got home. He couldn’t erase the smile from his face, and honestly, he didn’t try; so when Zayn saw him, he said, “Looks like you had a good date, babe.”

Louis squealed. And as he recounted the night to Zayn, his smile grew even wider and his heart beat even faster. He was so happy, Zayn couldn’t help but return his smile with a smile of his own.

‘ _So the smile is contagious after all_ ,’ Louis thought.

Afterwards, when Louis finally calmed down a bit, and was finally in his bed. It’s been a really long time since his cheeks hurt this much from smiling and he was glad to know it was another Harry effect. He touched his lips, still feeling a little electricity there, and closed his eyes as he recalled their kiss earlier.

 _‘Oh god I should’ve invited him upstairs,’_ Louis thought. But he knew letting him leave tonight was the right thing to do. Right now, he didn’t know if he could let Harry leave his room once he’s entered it. He still needed to gather enough courage and self-control to be able to do that. Plus, earlier tonight, Harry made it clear to him that even though that incident happened during the photoshoot before, he didn’t want Louis to think that he was expecting anything from him. He said that he was willing to wait until Louis was ready; and that he was just happy they were on a date. Louis was glad that Harry respects him but honestly, he didn’t know how much longer he could handle taking things slow with all these effects Harry had on him.


	8. Chapter Seven

A couple of dates and a lot of annoying conversations later, Louis finally invites Harry over to meet Zayn and Niall. Well, maybe re-meet Niall since they’ve already met before, but Niall insisted that just because they exchanged a few words before doesn’t mean they _really_ met. This made Louis roll his eyes but he didn’t have enough energy to argue with the boys anymore.

He’s been seeing Harry for about two weeks now and they’ve been on about four dates; if you don’t count eating lunch together practically almost every day of the week as a date.

Harry was also thrilled to know that the boys wanted to meet him. He’s excited to see Louis’ home and finally meet the people he keeps talking about. Louis on the other hand tried to argue that he himself hasn’t seen Harry’s home and should really consider bringing him there, as well. Harry agreed with him but countered that he lived alone so there wasn’t anyone for Louis to meet, really. Louis wanted to ask about his family or his friends, but he knows they live quite far and he doesn’t think they’ve reached that stage yet where they felt the need to introduce the other person to their family. Plus, this was all a violation of Louis plan to not get too attached but he couldn’t really hold his fort down with three people trying to break through it.

He hadn’t told anyone his plans since he knows it sounds a bit fucked up. Louis was doing fine and he didn’t want it to seem as if he isn’t. Also, Zayn isn’t the only friend that’s worried about him now because Niall is, too.

After going to a few more of Niall’s gigs, the three of them hit it off and started to hang out more. His frequent visits turned into sleepovers that were spent playing Xbox or watching films or shows they’ve already seen. Now, Niall practically lives with them; and being at home has never been this cheery and snug.

——

A buzz on the door tells everyone that Harry’s arrived and Louis practically trips in his haste to be the first one to see him. He was afraid that Niall or Zayn might tell him something embarrassing if they got to him first.

“Hi! Um welcome, please come in!” Louis greeted Harry trying his best to hide the nervousness in his voice.

“No need to be too formal, love. It’s just me,” Harry replied smirking as he sees Louis’ outfit. A white apron was tied on his waist and Harry couldn’t help but be a little turned on as he saw this domestic side of Louis.

Louis blushed, as if he could read Harry’s thoughts through his smirk.

“Uh, right. Well, come on in. I’m making chicken cordon bleu, and Niall and Zayn are out on the patio drinking beer and smoking, I reckon.”

“Okay, do you want me to help you out?” Harry offered.

“Don’t you want to meet the boys?” Louis raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to miss the view,” Harry pouted, and then pursed his lips, asking Louis for a kiss.

Just when Louis was about to do what was asked of him, he heard Zayn and Niall hoot as they come inside. Louis flinches as he hears them and turns to shoot them a look of disapproval. The two just laugh at Louis and turns to greet Harry.

“Hey mate, so glad to finally meet you!” Zayn exclaimed as he shook Harry’s hand.

“Hi! You must be Zayn! I’ve heard so much about you,” Harry smiled at him warmly.

“And Niall! We’ve met before, but I’m sorry if I was a bit of a sore to you back then,” Harry said as he extended his hand towards Niall.

Niall grabbed Harry’s arm and gave him a big hug instead. “It’s alright. I understand, mate. I’m afraid I saw right through you even though Louis was too blind back then,” Niall replied.

Harry chuckled at this and Louis blushed, lightly smacking Niall’s shoulder after he breaks away from Harry.

“Alright, alright. Why don’t you boys set the table, while Harry and I finish making dinner, yeah?” Louis announced.

“Yes, ma’am.” Niall and Zayn replied in unison.

Harry’s eyes crinkled as he smiled at this, and Louis smiled back, his nervousness finally subsiding.

He gave Harry’s sleeve a small tug and led him to the kitchen. He ordered Harry to stir the salad as he fixed the chicken on a plate; and for a while they work in a comfortable silence.

After they’re done, they both bring the food to the table where Niall and Zayn were bantering over which ramen place had the best noodles.

“Seriously, you’re arguing about food right now?” Louis broke them off.

“We’re hungry, Louis! Come, feed us, please,” Niall pouted.

“Stop whining you big babies, we’ve got a guest.” Louis tried to sound dour but honestly, he’s glad the boys aren’t acting all formal and cold with Harry here. They’re acting like the usual buggers they are and Louis was thankful for that.

Everyone complimented Louis’ cooking as they grab seconds of his chicken cordon bleu, and a fourth round for Niall, as per usual. As they enjoy dinner, they all talk animatedly, with Zayn and Niall trying their best to subtly interrogate Harry. Harry doesn’t seem to mind though. He ended most of his answers with questions about Zayn and Niall, as well.

There was even a brief moment during the night where the three were talking about Louis as if Louis wasn’t in the room. Louis tried to sound hurt but really, he was happy to see everyone having a good time.

After dinner, Niall and Zayn head out for a party Niall’s friend is throwing. They invited Louis and Harry to come with but Louis refused saying that he wasn’t in the mood to go to a party right now. The boys were all cheeky about it and kept implying that he only wanted to be alone with Harry; and he nearly had to throw them out the door to shut them up.

“But we haven’t even helped clean up yet!” Zayn protested.

“I can manage,” Louis said sternly.

“Alright, alright. Y’know he’ll do anything to get us out of the flat,” Niall said cheekily. And with that they were both kicked out, and Harry and Louis were finally left alone.

“I can stay and help you clean up,” Harry offered.

“Really, you don’t need to, Hazz,” Louis said as he walked towards the kitchen sink.

“No, I insist! You’ve made such a wonderful dinner for us, go take a break.” Harry said and raced Louis to the kitchen.

Harry then got the water running before Louis could protest.

“At least let me help you dry,” Louis sighed accepting defeat.

After cleaning up, Louis thanked Harry and expected the night to be over. Just when he was about to say what a wonderful time he had, Harry leaned in and brushed his lips on Louis’.

“It’s nice to see your domestic side,” Harry whispered. “Sort of turns me on, to be honest.”

Louis blushed, the electricity from Harry’s lips seems to travel with his voice because he now felt it in his ear, too.

Harry brushed his lips on Louis’ again, smiling as he did so; and Louis parted his lips to deepen the kiss and Harry leaned in hungrily. Louis lets out an involuntary moan which causes Harry to smirk. Harry’s lips then travel from his lips to his neck, trailing kisses in its wake.

When he felt Harry kissing him a bit too long just below his collarbones, Louis’ moans get louder and more desperate; and he suddenly becomes aware of the tent building in his boxers.

Harry chuckles softly, and as his lips brush the shell of Louis ears he says, “Don’t worry, I won’t take advantage of you if you don’t want me to.”

Louis turns redder but then he began to feel a bulge prodding his hips, as well. He laughed at Harry and said, “You sure, big boy?” almost teasingly.

Harry towered over him and once again captured Louis’ lips with his. The hunger between them was just too intense to be satiated with kisses. When Harry started to suck Louis’ tongue, Louis couldn’t help himself anymore and just thought, ‘ _Oh, fuck it!_ ’ and then started to massage Harry’s growing erection that was doing its best to poke through his fit jeans.

Harry freezes for a few seconds and asks, “Are you sure?” and gives him a concerned look.

Louis just stood a bit taller and kisses Harry with his lips, gentle but sure. Harry’s eyes flutter and this time he’s the one who moans involuntarily and Louis is the one with a smug look on his face.

Harry still looked a bit uncertain so Louis added, “I fucking want you inside me, okay? I want to choke on you until you come screaming my name. Is that clear enough for you?” And Harry’s cheeks flushed as he nodded at this.

Louis led them to his bedroom as they were kissing and feeling each other, and shoved him onto the bed when they finally get there.

As they tried to catch their breaths, Louis decided to put on a show. Harry was on the bed panting with his mouth open but Louis tried to calm himself down, wanting to give the illusion that Harry wanted him more than he did Harry. He stripped off his clothes ever so slowly and even turned around and bent over as he slipped off his boxers to give Harry a clear view of the ass he loved so much.

He heard Harry's sharp intake of breath followed by a murmured, "Fuck."

However, Louis felt his heart skip a beat when he saw the view on his bed. Harry was biting his lips as he boldly admired the beautiful art in front of him.

Louis crawled into bed, ignoring the self-conscious thoughts that were trying to set him off. He wasn’t used to the lights being open when he was in bed with a guy but when he saw how Harry was looking at him like he’s some kind of masterpiece or something, he felt a little better about himself. ‘ _I’m better now_ ,’ he thought. ‘ _I look great and no self-conscious thought can convince me otherwise_.’ Moreover, the blatant desire he saw he saw in Harry’s eyes was enough to keep him going.

Louis began to lift Harry’s shirt after sliding on top of him. He then planted a kiss on his chest, seeming to break the trance Harry was in. He felt Harry’s heart racing through his chest and he smiled.

Harry imagined being with Louis in bed like this; but it still felt surreal to him how it’s finally becoming real.

Louis trailed kisses along his stomach as he unbuttons Harry’s jeans. Then he trailed his kisses upwards to his throat, eliciting a deep moan from Harry.

Harry then grabbed Louis and kissed him forcefully, cupping his bare arse in the process.

“Stop teasing, Tomlinson,” he panted.

“Aw, don’t worry, love. You’ll come for me soon enough,” Louis said cockily.

Harry wanted to throw him down and punish him for this, but he knew he would enjoy Louis riding him even more. So he gives in and lets his impulses take over, once again proving that he was completely helpless when it comes to Louis.

Soon enough, Harry’s jeans were stripped from him and there was nothing but raw desire and hunger between them. Louis was humming softly as he invaded Harry’s mouth with his tongue; and Harry was cupping his bum, urging him closer. Harry then cheekily pinched Louis’ bum causing Louis’ cock to twitch.

Louis gave Harry a disapproving look but his eyes said otherwise. He decided to retort by slowly grinding his hips against Harry’s while he gave him a passionate kiss. It only took a few seconds before Harry’s erection was fully formed, too.

It was huge, Louis observed, almost as big as Louis imagined it to be. But he knew that wouldn’t stop him from riding Harry tonight. He wanted Harry since day one and this was no obstacle for him.

Louis fumbled for the lube and the condoms beside his drawer. It was a good thing he kept condoms of different sizes, he thought. He was glad that being well-prepared was the motto he took on after joining the boy’s scouts when he was younger.

“I want you to open me up so I can ride you hard, alright, Hazz?” Louis sounded like he was asking for a favor but really, he just wanted to see how much he can provoke Harry.

“Yes, fucking yes” Harry moaned obligingly, feeling as if his every heartbeat was screaming Louis’ name.

Louis smiled and handed the lube over to Harry. He squeezed out some lube, and the strawberry smell hit him as soon as he did. It was sensational and he couldn’t wait to taste it along with Louis later on.

Louis doesn’t even tell Harry to be gentle with him because he knows Harry will treat him right. They kissed as they changed positions, and Louis was finally the one on his back.

Louis let out a whine as Harry leaned down and licked along his V-line. Louis heard his heart pounding in his ears as Harry settled down to a comfortable position between his thighs. Harry started to plant open-mouthed kisses along Louis’ length and he tugged at Harry’s hair slowly, melting into the pleasure. Another moan escaped his lips as he felt Harry lick the side of his cock. Then his eyes fluttered as Harry rubbed the pads of his fingers along his crack, and his other hand cupped his arse.

Louis’ tried not to clench as Harry inserted one finger, but his body automatically tensed at the exceptionally large intrusion inside him. Harry brushed his lips along the sharp V’s on his collarbones and started kissing and sucking, making the butterflies in his stomach start to come alive.

Harry broke the kiss to lick his fingers and taste the strawberry-flavoured Louis on them. Then he continued to insert two fingers, increasing his pace until they’re rhythm was in chorus with his heartbeat.

“Mmm, you’re so fucking tight, Lou,” Harry whispered against Louis’ neck.

Then he squeezed some more lube on his hand and starts to cover his length with it. After sliding on the condom and lining his dick with Louis’ entrance, Harry began to push in and Louis eyes fluttered closed as he moans instantly.

Harry was taking it slow, trying to get Louis used to the feeling when Louis grabbed his arms and pulled him closer for a needy kiss. Harry was doing his best to pump himself inside Louis with his back bent and thoughts muddy from Louis’ lips, when Louis decided to push him down and start to ride Harry instead.

“I said I want to ride you, didn’t I?” Louis said with gleaming determination in his eyes.

Harry gulped and nodded, too entranced by the beautiful scenery on top of him to talk. His eyes locked on Louis as Louis sank himself in deep. But his eyes flutter closed immediately as Louis rapidly increases his pace and Harry grinds his hips against Louis’ meeting his thrusts. Harry didn’t even care that Louis’ scratches on his chest were probably going to leave marks; and he wouldn’t be able to leave his top buttons open for a while. Instead, he bit his lips audaciously enjoying the sensation and lets out low moans in response to Louis’ loud ones.

Louis leaned forward to capture Harry’s lips as he rocked into him, slower now but steadier. He kissed him with raw passion and Harry cupped his butt cheeks, feeling his muscles with each thrust.

Louis licked Harry’s lips as he broke the kiss and gave in to Harry’s compliments, and the warm pleasure in his stomach. ‘So good,’ Harry moaned. ‘Perfect,’ he murmured.

A few more thrusts later, Louis became aware of how full his cock has become from hitting his prostate with Harry’s cock. And he groaned as he felt Harry climax while screaming his name, and he followed almost simultaneously, uttering his.

He fell on Harry’s chest heaving, feeling himself shudder probably due to sensory overload.

“Fuck,” Louis whispered. “Guess I’ll have to choke on you next time,” he added.

Harry chuckled softly, feeling happy and spent.

——

The next day Harry gave Louis an iTouch with several playlists he made for Louis. Louis was touched and wanted to thank Harry by treating him to lunch, but Harry told him that he had to leave after breakfast. He had to get to a meeting after lunch, and he needed to get home and change before that.

“But it’s a Saturday,” Louis whined.

“Yes honey, but I’m the boss and bosses don’t usually get time off.” Harry replied.

“Yes, they do! You’re just too much of a workaholic to get one.” Louis answered.

“I’m afraid, that’s true, love. Oh well, I’ll see you tonight?” Harry gave him a chaste kiss, but Louis pulled him in for a deeper one.

After sucking on Harry’s tongue and biting his lips, Louis pulled away and said, “Something to think about me ‘til then.”

He gave a self-satisfied smirk, and Harry wasn't surprised that it hit him spot on. Harry was so enamored for this boy and he wondered if he was, too. But he knew Louis isn’t ready for that conversation yet so he gave him a smile that he hoped could convey all the feelings he holds in his heart; and Louis smiled back, with a light in his eyes and a smile that he wished he could treasure forever.


	9. Chapter Eight

"Ugh, aren't you tired of Love Actually yet??" Niall whined as Harry put in the DVD of his most recent favourite film.

"But it's a classic!" Harry argued, as if they haven't already been on this road before.

Zayn and Louis both looked at Harry and groaned. But they know well enough not to join these two. After the third time Harry put this on, they finally realized that Harry wasn't going to budge so they left him alone. After all, how many times can someone really want to see Love Actually over and over again, right? The boys thought he'd stop after the fifth time, though. Now, they just feel hopeless.

"Harry, please don't do this to us again!" Niall pleaded.

"But it's my turn to pick the film!" Harry pouted.

Niall turned to Louis and said, "Please do something, mate."

“Why should I do something?” Louis retorted.

“You’re the one dating the bloke!” Niall argued.

Louis felt sorry for the lads, for all of them really, so he got up from the couch and sat next to Harry on the floor.

"Harry, please, could we see another film this time? Maybe Two Weeks Notice or Pretty Woman?" Louis asked, widening his blue eyes. He knew those were two of Harry's favourite films, as well.

Harry seemed to almost give into Louis. And when Louis saw that Harry was still reluctant, he leaned in and whispered, "I'll thank you in bed later." His lips almost touched the shell of Harry's ear and it sent a shiver down Harry's spine.

Harry nodded, almost immediately, too eager for the film to end and to get in bed with Louis tonight.

Louis smiled, smirked really, and then started to look for Harry's Two Weeks Notice DVD.

"Yes! Thank you, Louis!" Niall cheered.

"Probably needed to sell his body for it, mate," Zayn joked. “So really, Harry, you should be thanking us,” he added.

Louis' face flushed just when Niall started to laugh and Harry shot them both a look of disapproval. It was ignored though, and the boys just kept on laughing. Harry shrugged acting defeated, but turned and gave Louis an open-mouthed kiss.

“Ew, get a fuckin’ room!” Niall whined.

“Gross!” Zayn made a disgusted face at them.

Harry released Louis then stuck his tongue out at the two; and Louis just rolled his eyes, trying not to blush to a deeper shade of red.

It's been a few months since Louis had Harry over for dinner and let him meet the boys. Though to be honest, Louis can’t even remember the last time Harry wasn’t here. It was as if Harry was a puzzle piece they didn’t even know was missing because he fit right in just like that. He’s over almost every day really, and none of the boys seem to mind. In fact, he even has his very own place on their couch, right now; and his own side on Louis’ bed.

Harry hasn’t talked about moving in though, and Louis was glad. It was obvious they don’t have enough space for Harry to actually live with them, especially now that Niall’s moved in. And he didn’t really want to abandon Zayn and Niall here.

He was also happy with how they are right now. They’re taking it slow and Louis was comfortable with their routine.

Plus, all of this was a violation of Louis’ plans not to get too attached, which were obviously thrown out the window at some point. Louis doesn’t remember when, really. Maybe it was when he caught Harry staring at him that night at the restaurant; or when Harry sang to him that afternoon Harry confessed to him that he used to be in glee club and Louis insisted he sing or he wouldn’t take his clothes off for him; or all the other times he found himself completely smitten with this wonderful man. Louis just remembers feeling so comfortable and so enamored for Harry that he didn’t even mind when his plans started to fall apart.

——

Louis was so happy, he couldn’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop. He knew good days like these didn’t last very long and he wanted to prepare himself for the worst; so he treasured each day like it was their last and did everything he could to make Harry happy. He even ignored the fact that Harry seemed to be keeping parts of his past from him.

Whenever they talked about past relationships, Harry would quickly change the topic. Once, Louis even tried to press him on the subject, and Harry just gave him a small smile and said, “I’m not ready to talk about it, love. I’m sorry.”

And then Louis saw something that broke his heart. He saw a flickered look of pain in Harry’s eyes. So he never mentioned it ever again, afraid to hurt Harry, even unintentionally.

He couldn’t help but wonder, though, what had happened to Harry that caused this much pain. He wondered if this person was the reason why Harry tried to be so distant from everyone. Except him, the boys, and Liam, Harry hasn’t really got any friends. He was warm and friendly towards everyone, but Louis noticed he wasn’t really close with any of his other ‘friends.’

At work, his office had no personal stuff, which Louis found a bit odd. But Harry explained that he liked to keep his personal life and his professional life separate; of course, with the exception of Louis, since he was part of both. And Louis, not being a very open person himself, understood this.

However, just when Louis was almost convinced there was no other shoe, she turns up.

——

Louis was doing a shoot for the magazine that day. He entered the studio, bickering with Niall over what they’re going to order for dinner tonight. Louis was happy, although he already missed Harry, who was probably in his office right now making important phone calls or whatever important thing bosses do.

He felt so elated that he stopped right in his tracks when he saw her.

Niall didn’t seem to notice, too busy trying to make his point, until he turned to face Louis and found his mate frozen a few steps behind him.

He was suddenly alarmed, seeing Louis so frightened. Niall’s joking tone turned into a worrisome one when he approached him, “Louis- Louis, are you alright?”

Louis’ breath was caught in his throat and he didn’t know whether to run away or face her. Just when he was about to turn his back and stick to his former idea though, she calls him.

“Louis!” Eleanor almost shouts. She was so loud, when Louis turned he found almost everyone looking at them.

He couldn’t run away now, he thought. Not when all the attention was on them.

Niall looked at them with eyes full of concern rather than curiosity, but Louis couldn’t explain. He didn’t want to explain, actually.

So Louis swallowed his apprehension, and reluctantly walked towards Eleanor.

Eleanor waved off the makeup artist that was working on her and gave Louis a peck on the cheek. Louis tried to keep his voice steady as he said, “Hi, Eleanor.”

He almost forced the words out of his mouth, really.

He was angry at her; however, seeing her reminded Louis of his past, which mostly caused him pain and dread.

“How’re you, Louis? It’s been so long!” Eleanor said all perky, as if they’ve been long-time friends who just drifted apart because they went to different uni’s and moved away. As if she didn’t know that seeing her would open Louis’ scars like the thread from the stitches were just recently removed.

She didn’t even wait for Louis to answer because she then turned to the fake-blonde haired boy who followed Louis, who was now overtly staring at her.

“Oh hey, I’m Eleanor! I’ve known Louis since college. You’re Louis’ mate?” she said to Niall.

Niall eyed her skeptically, and cautiously answered her. “Yeah, I’m Niall.”

“You working on the shoot today, too?” he asked, wanting to take the girl’s attention off of Louis. He saw how uncomfortable he looked and he wasn’t going to let her force him into a conversation.

“Yeah, I’m a model. You?”

“Logistics. Well, anyways, we gotta work so see ya later.” Niall said as he wrapped an arm around Louis’ shoulders and led him away from her.

“Alright. Catch-up later, Louis?” Eleanor asked, even with the boys’ back already turned.

“Yeah, sure,” Louis murmured, hoping Eleanor didn’t hear him reply.

“Wow, if I didn't know better, I would say she was a bit into you…” Niall said, wanting to know more.

“Yeah,” Louis tried to sound nonchalant, and shrugged Niall’s arm off his shoulders.

He put on the best smile he could muster and said, “Anyways, I gotta go prepare equipment so see ya later, alright?”

Niall got that Louis didn’t want to talk about her yet, but he still couldn’t help to worry. He was hesitant to go, though Louis shooed him away until he did so.

Louis didn’t talk to Niall for the rest of the day. But neither did he talk to anyone else. In fact, Louis seemed to disappear in between shoots, as if he was hiding from someone, hiding from her, really.

Niall was starting to get worried so he sent a text to Zayn.

            “Hey, Louis is acting all weird. I think it’s because of Eleanor. Do you know her?”

Zayn replied five minutes later.

            “Don’t let her fucking near him. I’m on my way.”

Niall started to panic. Zayn didn’t usually sound this urgent except when it’s something deadly serious. So he tried to ring Louis to check on him, and ask him where he was but he didn’t answer his phone. That was when Niall looked around and tried to find Eleanor. Niall’s panic turned into apprehension when he couldn’t find her, too. And so he started to look for his pal, praying to god that nothing bad has happened.

Louis was out in the parking lot, smoking. He was clean for almost 3 years now, but he felt that he needed it to calm himself. He inhaled each puff deeply and held the smoke in his lungs for a while before exhaling. He knew it made it worse, but it was also so much more soothing.

He was on his third cigarette when Eleanor found him.

“Haven’t quit yet, huh?” She asked.

Louis jumped in surprise, then quickly threw the cigarette in the trash bin.

“Hey,” Louis greeted her. He was calmer now so he no longer trembled at the sight of her.

“Hey, miss me?” She asked, smiling as if he didn’t put Louis through hell when they were together.

Louis wanted to laugh sarcastically, like when Harry told one of his dumb jokes. Although this time, he wasn’t filled with overwhelming warmth.

“Why are you here, El?” He asked, wanting to get it over with.

“Are you asking because you care about me or because you want to get rid of me again?” she asked sounding hurt.

“You know why I moved here, Eleanor. You have to stop whatever it is you’re doing.” Louis wanted to beg, but he remained cold towards her.

“Well, I’m not following you or anything, okay. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a model now and boys actually want to be with me.” Her tone was defensive, but Louis saw her hurting underneath her hostility.

Louis wanted to apologize. He knows he was the one who broke Eleanor’s heart, but what he had done to her was nothing compared to what she had done to him. So he just stared at her.

Eleanor seemed to soften under his gaze, though, because then she said, “We missed you when you left, though. Lottie asked about you a lot the first few months after you left.”

At the mention of his sister’s name, Louis’ walls started to break.

“How is she?” He asked. He hadn’t contacted her since he left, afraid that Frank would pick up and somehow find him.

“It was bad at first. Frank didn’t have a punching bag, so… Yeah.” Eleanor cast her eyes down, as she answered.

Louis heart broke. He never forgot about Lottie, but he didn’t think that Frank would do that to her.

“Fuck,” he whispered, immediately blaming himself. Unconsciously, he balled up his fist and he started to tremble.

He was on the verge of crying when Eleanor added, “You couldn’t wait to get out that you left everyone behind, Louis. I hope you’re happy now.” And with that she turned around and started to walk back inside.

Louis was curled up on the pavement, with his arms around his knees and his head laid down when Niall and Zayn found him. He was shaking and his nose was running, and he couldn’t stop crying. When Louis’ sobs finally turned into whimpers, Zayn and Niall took him home.

He was a mess when they got back to the flat, so Niall and Zayn helped him change and tucked him in. He looked so small and so fragile that the two didn’t want to leave him alone. So they squeezed in Louis’ bed with him, cuddling Louis in between them like a baby, and slept.

Louis woke up a few hours later, though. He couldn’t stop thinking about Lottie, and what Eleanor had told him. He wanted to scream, he wanted to hurt himself for what he’s done; but then he remembers Harry. Louis remembers all the compliments Harry said to him and how much Harry believes in him; and starts to take deep shaky breaths, calming himself. He’s thankful that Harry isn’t here to see him self-destruct. He’s thankful for the lads whose embrace was embarrassingly tight on him, but was also reassuring. Still, the thought of what he’s done to Lottie couldn’t help but plague his mind, because even in his dreams, he hears her screaming for him.


	10. Chapter Nine

_Louis loved his mum. She wasn’t exactly the perfect mother, but she was so kind and she loved Louis and Lottie so much, Louis felt it was enough to forgive her._

_Jay, Louis’ mum, was diagnosed with clinical depression when he was two years old. It was a tough childhood, but Louis didn’t blame her. He knew it was a sickness and all he could do was be there for her. Nonetheless, Louis didn’t like the fact that she repeatedly got herself into abusive relationships, which really, hurt Louis as much as it hurt Jay._

_All her boyfriends were dickheads, who didn’t take care of her, and even beat up Louis sometimes when he didn’t comply with their whims. Louis took it though, not wanting to leave his mother like that._

——

_For a while however, their mum got better and Louis thought that she had already recovered._

_It was just after Lottie was born. It seemed that her birth was an inspiration for their mum. She was single again, after a very long time, and she started working, as well. But her remission didn’t last very long._

——

_When Louis was in college, Jay met Frank. Frank was nice at first. Louis blamed himself for not seeing it, really; he knew his mum’s taste in men was very questionable, but Louis let his guard down this one time. He saw how much better his mum was, and how happy he made her; and he honestly thought everything was going to be fine._

 

_Of course, given that life likes to fuck with everyone, when Frank moved in, it was then that he started to show his true self._

_Frank turned out to be a conman, and an arse; yet, Jay was totally infatuated with him. She didn’t seem to see how despicable he was no matter how much Louis tried to tell her. But he had his sister to protect now, as well. He knew he had to stay with them to keep them safe._

 

_College was when he met Eleanor, too. They were friends up until Eleanor confessed her love for Louis; and Louis, not knowing what love really was at that point in his life, agreed to be her boyfriend. He wasn’t aware that his love for Eleanor wasn’t the same as her love for him. Hers was infatuation, she was lovestruck, head over heels in love with Louis; however, he loved her in the most platonic sense. They were best mates, and he thought that was enough to have a relationship with her._

 

_It was in his second year that he started to see how love really worked. Well, technically how attraction worked._

_Louis got drunk at a party and accidentally fucked this guy, Stan. Stan was an old buddy who wasn’t really out of the closet, so Louis was surprised when he kissed him that night._

_They were out for a smoke, and they were sloshed. While Louis was talking, Stan just leaned in and started to kiss him, mid-sentence. Louis was surprised by the gesture, honestly he thought he leaned in because he was going to sick all over him; but he was more surprised at himself for kissing him back. Louis didn’t even try to stop the lad when he started to push him up against the wall and unbutton his jeans._

_That was the night of sweet revelation, Louis thought. Louis was so grateful to Stan. If it weren’t for him, he wouldn’t have ever discovered how much better it is to orgasm when your prostate’s involved in the process._

_Louis didn’t have the heart to tell Eleanor, though. He didn’t know how to break his best mate’s heart, and frankly, he didn’t want to. Sure, he knew that prolonging it would just make it worse; but Louis was afraid of confrontation. He actually preferred to run away from his problems until they really needed to be dealt with. That was probably what made Eleanor to act the way she did, really._

 

_That life-altering night led to a few more fucks, until one night Eleanor discovered them in Louis’ room._

_The house was empty except for him and Stan; and as always, Eleanor just barged right in, already familiar with the place._

_They hadn’t realized they left the door unlocked until Eleanor walked in. She froze in the doorway, with her mouth wide open. The two boys quickly got dressed, and Louis started to apologize as Stan started to make his exit._

_Louis remembers the look on Eleanor’s face, though. The hurt, the betrayal, and the outrage were painted so clearly on her face, it was as if she was an artwork. It was a dark picture but it was the kind that would make you feel sadness for the painter. You knew it truly reflected what she felt in her heart._

_But it seemed as if her outrage overtook all her emotions as she slapped both Louis and Stan, then stormed out. She didn’t say anything though, which scared Louis._

_He was scared Eleanor was going to tell Frank, who was very homophobic, and who was quite violent. But the next they saw each other, she acted as if nothing happened. Louis was still her boyfriend, yet they didn’t seem to be best mates anymore. Louis didn’t know whether to be thankful because Eleanor was willing to be his beard or feel imprisoned because he had a beard._

 

_When Louis’ secrets started to make his skin crawl, though, and he felt like he was drowning in a pit full of lies; he tried to break up with her. Him and Stan weren’t together anymore, really, it was more of a sexual relationship, but he wanted to be free. He wanted to at least lessen the secrets that were causing him multiple anxiety attacks and some nightmares, even._

_That was when she lost it. Eleanor had rung Frank behind his back and told him._

_When he got home that night, Frank greeted him with a beating. He had told Louis that if he ever heard he was fucking another bloke again, he was going to beat his sister up, too. He knew how important Lottie was for Louis and so that’s where he hit him. As a result, Louis found himself stuck with Eleanor._

_From then on, he started to become depressed. He felt so miserable, he wanted to die. But it was hard to kill yourself when you feel like you’ve got so much to do; and for Louis, he needed to go to uni, he needed to get out of this place, get a better life, and get his sister out of this place when he could afford it._

_He knew his mum wasn’t going to listen to him. He’s spent an excessive amount of his time getting her to think and act rationally, getting her to think for the family; but it was completely pointless. Louis loved his mum but he knew it wasn’t right. And now that he’s older, he knows enough not to tolerate it anymore._

_For the meantime though, he had his own way of coping. That was when his bad habits started. They were unhealthy, but it kept him going. And that was all he needed to do. He needed to keep moving, it didn’t matter how he was functioning; and the important thing was that he was going to leave this place. He was going to push himself to go through each day until he finally digs his way out of the grave he believes he’s buried himself in._

***

 

Louis didn’t get out of bed for a few days after that shoot. He was exhausted from the sleepless nights and he couldn’t stop thinking about what happened to him, and what might’ve happened to Lottie. He blamed himself for leaving Lottie there, and he berated himself for being so selfish.

He missed two days of uni, and one day of work thanks to Eleanor. Louis knew it was unhealthy to stay inside for so long, but he wasn’t ready to face the world yet; and he especially not ready to face Harry yet. It was a good thing Harry had a business meeting out of town this week. It gave Louis an excuse to not tell him what happened and act like everything’s fine.

The boys have been really supportive of him, though. They didn’t push Louis and gave him time to himself. They kept a close eye on him, though. They even synchronized their schedules so Louis wouldn’t be left alone at home.

Louis felt like a burden to them, and he kept telling them that he didn’t need a babysitter, but he was grateful for the company. He knew he might slip back into his old ways if he was left alone with his thoughts; and he was so glad that Zayn and Niall knows where he could slip back to. He knows that it would be a lot less difficult not to relapse when he’s got their support.

——

It wasn’t easy telling Niall at first. Louis knew he had to unravel his past to explain to Niall what happened. And he trusted his mate enough to actually tell him everything, but it was still painful to recall everything. Zayn was there for him, though. His presence reminded him of that there were friends who were going to be there for him no matter how fucked up he is, and he believes that Niall is the same.

Louis actually thought that Niall would feel pity for him or worse, judge him for the things he’s done; but instead, he just saw the usual warm look Niall had in his eyes and he hugged him so tight, and so lovingly, Louis started to cry. Remembering his past always made him choke down his tears, but with Niall he knew that he could let everything out, and Niall was going to just sit there, consoling him until it stopped.

 

Niall was so kind, and so warmhearted that that night, Louis felt the weight in his heart remotely lighten.

——

Despite Harry being one of Louis’ sources of the little strength he could muster, he found himself avoiding him, too. He had no idea how to face him when he was feeling like this.

 

So after Harry got back, Louis had told him that he couldn’t see him for a few days because he was sick. Harry offered to take care of him, but Louis said that he’d be fine after a few days of rest; and Harry listened to him.

After two more days of not leaving the flat, Louis knew he couldn’t keep doing it anymore. He knows that tiring himself out like this will only lead to him getting sadder until he relapses, and he can’t have that.

So Louis does what he does best when he has problems. Louis finds distractions.

——

It was Tuesday when he finally decided to get out of the flat. Zayn and Niall were pretty good in hiding their surprise when he saw that he was all dressed up and ready to go.

“Good morning,” Zayn said coolly, but Louis saw the smile in his eyes and at that he gave him a small smile in return. He knew he couldn’t pretend in front of them, but he was trying and they were happy he was trying. And really, Louis was just happy that they were happy.

“Hi,” Louis said to them both.

“Breakfast?” Niall asked, raising the box of Cheerios in his hand.

“Sure,” Louis said as he sat down.

 

Harry was so happy, too, when he saw that Louis was finally back in the office. He’d been in and out for most of the week because of his out of town business meetings; but he’d missed seeing Louis in the office, nonetheless. He’d missed seeing Louis, honestly. Hearing Louis’ voice on the phone wasn’t the same as hearing it in person, he’d told Louis. Louis blushed, wanting to tell Harry that he felt the same, but Harry kissed him before he could say anything. It was long and passionate, and Harry didn’t even hide his thirst for Louis.

Louis was thirsty for Harry, as well. He missed the electrifying feeling on his lips. Honestly, he missed the electrifying feeling on his entire body. So he wraps his hand around Harry’s neck to deepen the kiss, and Harry lifts him a little, in response. Harry couldn’t seem to help himself and pinched Louis’ bum, and Louis bit his tongue as revenge.

“Ouch!” Harry squealed. “That hurt!”

“Sorry,” Louis said. “Let me make it up to you,” he added.

He kissed Harry gently, then he started to part Harry’s lips with his tongue. As Harry began to explore Louis’ mouth again though, Louis seemed to have other plans because then he went on and sucked Harry’s tongue. As Louis sucked it, he tasted Harry’s blood and there was something so intimate about that. Harry was actually so into it that after a few seconds, he started to groan, and Louis smirked at that. He missed Harry’s groans, too.

 

Harry’s meetings didn’t really bother Louis at first, but then he started to notice Harry acting a bit stranger and stranger after he came back from them.

The changes were subtle, and they weren’t even bad, really. He just noticed that Harry started to smile more, and be more open with himself. He was a lot happier these days, and Louis would have thought it was because their relationship was going so well, if it weren’t happening every time he came back from his trips.

 

It was after the second trip Harry had taken after Louis’ return that Louis began suspecting something.

Louis was playing games on Harry’s phone when someone named G started to ring him. When he gave the phone to Harry, Harry’s eyes grew wide with surprise and excused himself to answer the call. Louis found that odd because Harry usually didn’t take his calls outside, not even his important calls, which meant that he trusted Louis enough not to shout stupid things when he was on the phone, unlike the other boys.

“Who was that?” Louis asked as Harry came back in.

“Just a friend,” Harry smiled and then quickly changed their topic.

 

But Louis didn’t want to create a problem and start a fight, especially if he had nothing but suspicions on his side. So he buried his worries, and hoped that it was really nothing and G was really just a friend.

——

Louis got lost in routine after a couple of days. He was putting one step forward and moving on, and he did his best to forget he even saw her. But just when he thought that his things were going back to normal, she shows up again.

It was a normal day at the office up until Louis saw her walking towards him.

He wanted to run away, to tell her to get out and never talk to him again; but instead, he froze. Louis’ heart beat faster as he saw the distance between them getting smaller; but he knew that if he stood up, she would only shout his name and therefore, catch everyone’s attention. So he stayed still, like a deer in the headlights.

“Hey, so we need to talk,” Eleanor said to him.

Her voice lacked hostility this time, and in her eyes he saw only concern. So Louis nodded and got up from his seat.

As they were about to get inside the lift though, Harry walked out of it. He lights up as he sees Louis however, Louis just starts to tense up even more.

He didn’t want Harry to meet Eleanor, so before greeting Harry, he shoots a pleading look to Eleanor so quickly, she wouldn’t have understood it if they hadn’t known each other for so long.

As he smiled and greeted Harry, Eleanor thankfully kept silent, unusually following Louis’ appeals.

All that happened so abruptly that Louis didn’t even wait for Harry to reply when he got inside the lift. He thought he saw Harry raise his eyebrows with concern, but he closed the doors before he could ask what was wrong. He knew he needed to explain everything to Harry soon, but he had to handle this first.

 

Louis was mad at her, but he also wanted to know what happened to his family after he left. He knew he said before that he would go back for Lottie, but it’s just been so difficult remembering, feeling like he’s reliving his past every time, that he was afraid they’d suck him back in once he returned.

He left that place so broken, the damages felt almost impossible to repair. Still, he thought about them constantly; although, his heart breaks every time he remembers leaving his mum and Lottie behind. He still worries about them, even though his worries are nothing but worries. So he wanted to know how they were doing, even though it might break him. He felt that he needed to know _. ‘I’m better now,_ ’ Louis thought to himself. ‘ _I can handle this. I can handle whatever she gives me. I’m better now_.’ Louis repeated this in his head like a mantra. He thought that if he repeated it enough, he might actually start believing it, too.


	11. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!!

They sat in the corner of the coffee shop where the chairs were harder and fewer people gathered. Louis didn’t want anyone to see him with Eleanor, and he didn’t want her to be comfortable with him. He tried not to look anxious that she was sat in front of him so he breathed deeply to calm himself, blowing his tea as he exhaled to mask his anxiety.

After a few sips of her tea, Eleanor started to talk. “Thank you for not blowing me off,” she gave him a weak smile, but Louis kept his face placid.

Louis put his cup down and replied, “I just want to know how my mum and Lottie are doing. I’m walking out if you start to treat me like shit again.”

At that Eleanor seems to have stiffened. Louis knew it was a cold thing to say, but they both knew it was the truth. She didn’t remain frozen for long though, because then she cleared her throat and continued.

“I deserved that,” she admitted. “But really, Louis, I came here to apologize.”

Louis was shocked, he didn’t know how to respond so he just stared at her in disbelief.

Eleanor lifted her gaze and looked Louis in the eyes as she said, “I’m sorry, Louis. I know I treated you like shit when we were in college and it was because of me that you left. No, actually, had to leave. But recently, I’ve been seeing a therapist and she made me see how fucked up I really am. I mean, it was quite obvious then, but she’s helping me to get better; and she suggested that one of the ways I could resolve my issues is by getting closure and moving on from my past. I admit that back then I knew that you loved me, although not in the same way I loved you; and I was aware of that even before you were, except I let you be my boyfriend and I blamed you when it all fell apart.”

Her words stung but Louis swallowed his anger and let her finish. He didn’t know if he was going to forgive her just yet, but he knows he needed to hear this. Maybe this way he could move past it, too.

“I also want you to know that Frank left.”

With that, Louis’ blue eyes widened. He didn’t know whether to be happy and finally feel free from the reigns of that monster; or be ashamed and be filled with regret since he hadn’t been there and he wasn’t able to help his family finally kick him out of their lives. Eleanor saw that Louis was starting to get lost in thought so she continued.

“You should go visit them, you know,” she said, knowing the thought of Lottie and his mum would reel him back.

“I know why you left, but Lottie doesn’t. I saw them a few months back, and they’re doing so much better, Lou. But they miss you. Sure, everything was a wreck when you left but that wasn’t your fault.”

She put her hands on Louis’ trembling ones, and Louis saw her eyes were filled with concern.

Louis couldn’t help but to recoil from her touch though, still doubting Eleanor’s intentions. His gaze shifted, too, afraid she might see right through him.

Eleanor sighed but resumed, “It’s alright if you can’t accept my apology. I mean, I would understand after all the shit I put you through. But honestly, all I want to do is finally get my life together and patch up the holes I made in the past. It’s quite liberating, Lou. Plus, my therapist says it’s so much better than ignoring your problems and letting everything fester inside. Maybe you don’t trust me but I think you should do it too, Lou. We both know how you can be.”

She caught Louis’ eyes when she said this, and it was then that Louis saw how earnest she was. Her words sounded so sincere and they seemed so heartfelt that Louis’ walls started to break.

“It’s too late for that, I think,” he let out a shaky laugh and his voice cracked a little as he said it.

“Oh, Lou,” Eleanor wanted to reach out, but she was afraid he’d recoil from her touch again so she kept on. “Lottie kept asking for you when you left. And I know it’s hard to hear but sometimes I’d see her with a bruised cheek, but she’d deny that it was Frank. I think she didn’t want anyone to know because then they might take her away; and I think she didn’t want to leave because she was waiting for you to come back…”

Louis felt like his heart was being squeezed inside his chest. It was painful to know how much he hurt Lottie, but he's thankful that he finally knows the truth. He couldn't decide if it was worse or better than he imagined, to be honest. He tried to repress most of the things that made him depressed; and that included thoughts of Lottie getting hurt. He couldn’t even begin to form the words to justify the truth that he was too afraid to come back; because he knew there was none. All he could do was stare into nothingness and bury himself in regret and shame.

After a few minutes of silence, and it was clear that Louis wasn’t going to say anything, Eleanor spoke again, “What I’m saying is, it’s not too late, Lou. You should go visit them. It’s been a couple of years but I know they’re still worried about you. They’re your family, after all. They’d want to know that you’re doing well. Go see them.”

Eleanor smiled at Louis, trying to be reassuring, but Louis was still crushed. His head started to throb as he thought about how Frank might’ve hurt Lottie after he was gone and it made him want to hurt himself. He didn’t deserve his life now. He didn’t deserve Harry or the boys. He wanted to cry and scream in frustration but right now, all he could do was sit in silence.

"So thank you for hearing me out," Eleanor finally said. "You didn't have to, but you're kind to me, as always."

Eleanor's eyes that was filled with remorse before they came in was now filled with nostalgia; and Louis couldn't help but smile back as he remembers how easy everything was when they were just best friends and he wasn’t afraid to go home to his sister and his mum.

 

Louis was still thinking about what Eleanor had told him when he went back to the office. He was so obviously distracted that Harry couldn't help but notice on the ride home.

Harry was so worried so he couldn't stop himself and asked, "Is there anything wrong, love?"

Louis still hadn't told anyone about what happened, but he knew he can't keep this huge secret for long. For now though he wanted to ask Harry for advice without having to tell him everything, so he kept it vague and tried not to sound too serious about it.

"Let's say you're afraid to do something, so you avoid it for as long as you can," Louis started.

"Hm...” Harry hummed signaling for him to continue.

"Except, it's something you know you have to do. But just the thought of doing it makes you uneasy. On the other hand, if you do this, you know you'll possibly get this huge weight off your chest and it'll answer so many questions. But, you might not like the answers, too. Will you still risk doing it?"

Louis' heart was racing. He was afraid Harry was going to ask him what this was all about, and he really doesn't want to lie to him; but he knows Harry has a clearer head than his and his thoughts on the matter might just be more significant than his. He swallowed his fears though, and peeked at Harry forming an answer or possibly a question in his head.

"Well," he began, "I think you can delay things for as long as you want but if this is something that's inevitable then isn't it easier to get it over with, as soon as possible?"

Louis exhaled a sigh of relief, thankful that Harry wasn't pressing him for more information.

"And I think it's better to have answers than have unanswered questions bother you forever, right?" Harry added.

Harry looked concerned but he didn't ask Louis any more than he wanted to share, so Louis just nodded at him and they left it at that.

 

Louis couldn't stop thinking about Lottie and his mum that night, so he didn't get much sleep. Harry's words kept replaying in his head too, until he finally pushed himself to make a decision.

After roughly two hours of sleep, Louis sent a text to Harry.

            “Good morning, love. Not going to work today. Something’s come up, but I’ll be there tomorrow!”

Harry replied a few seconds later.

            “Everything all right?”

Louis knew then that Harry might still be worried from their conversation last night, so he did his best to sound breezy.

            “Yeah, just got some errands to run, love. Don’t miss me too much, ok ;)”

He could imagine Harry smiling as he replied.

            “No promises but text me later, alright?”

Now, Louis couldn’t help but smile back. He felt like they were newlyweds just itching to see each other, despite them just being together last night.

            “Mhm. Have a good day at work! x”

 

Louis still thought about turning around and going back to his flat even after he got off the stop near his block. He still couldn’t believe he was doing this, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself anymore if he doesn’t do this now.

His heart beat faster as he neared the front door, that by the time he got there, he felt like he was going to faint. He was so overwhelmed and so anxious at the thought of what he was about to do that it was almost as if he forgot how to breathe. He flattened out his palms on the door, recalling the breathing exercises he used to do, and counted to ten, breathing deeply with every count.

As he finally felt himself calm down, he knocked on the door. Louis knew where the spare key was hidden but he wasn’t sure if he was even welcome here anymore. He tried to prepare himself, not wanting to fall apart when he finally sees them; and smiled, knowing he had to look alright. To look like he wasn’t coming back the same wreck as he had left.

When a couple of minutes passed and still no one opened the door, Louis panicked and thought no one was home. He didn’t know if he could muster up the courage to come back here again, but just as he was about to leave, his mum started to open the door.

“Louis?” Jay whispered in disbelief.

Her eyes widened seeing her son, and she enveloped him in a big hug even before he could speak.

“Hi, mum,” Louis answered, smiling and sighing in relief as he hugged her back. He missed her so much, but he didn’t know if she would be able to forgive him after leaving so abruptly. He should have known though; his mum was the most understanding and most forgiving person he knew.

“Come on in! Oh, we’ve missed you so much, Louis. Where’ve you been? Lottie’s out but she’ll be back soon. Oh, she’ll be so happy to see you, Louis!” Jay led him inside as she bombarded him with questions.

As Louis told his mum where he’s been the past couple of years, how well he’s doing in uni, and how he’d met Zayn and Niall, her smile never faltered. It was as if Louis just went on a trip for the holidays and he was finally coming back home.

 

His mum was so welcoming that he began to get comfortable. A few more minutes and he might have forgotten what he really came here for. It wasn’t until they both heard someone shut the door that Louis felt tense again.

They were having lunch when Lottie barged in.

“I’m home!” Lottie announced. She was on her way to her room when she stopped in her tracks, finally seeing Louis.

Louis stood up, not knowing what to do; while their mum smiled at Lottie, as if she was supposed to be just as happy and surprised as she was.

“Look, baby, Louis is back!” Jay squealed, as if Lottie didn’t see Louis standing in their dining room.

Jay’s enthusiasm gave Louis a little hope that Lottie might’ve felt the same. Lottie was so quiet though, that he didn’t run towards her for a big hug even though he badly wanted to.

“Hi, there,” Louis said to Lottie, giving her a weak smile.

“What. The. Fuck.” Lottie didn’t scream, but Louis could see that her pupils dilated and her fist clenched in anger.

Louis flinched, her words felt like a slap to him but it was a blow he deserved.

“Lottie, watch your mouth!” Their mother scolded.

“No. No. No. No.” Lottie began again, “You don’t get to come back and expect us to welcome you with open arms!” She was screaming now, and Louis wanted to make himself smaller, but instead he froze.

Louis didn’t know how to respond because he agreed with her. He knew he didn’t deserve them, not after how he treated them.

“Nonsense, Lottie! He’s your brother and this is his home.” Jay was starting to raise her voice now, too.

“No, he doesn’t deserve to be here!” Lottie shouted.

She was acting like Louis wasn’t there but it was obvious that her words were for him.

“At first, I believed the note my brother left saying he was going to come back soon, but it’s been too long and I got tired of waiting. He can’t just come back now that everything’s better.”

Lottie was crying now, and so their mother moved closer to her, and tried to calm her down. She didn’t know about the note, and she didn’t know that her daughter kept the rage she felt for her brother after all this time.

“Lottie, darling, it’s alright.” Jay tried to hush her, “I know Louis hurt you but he deserves another chance, babe. He is your brother, after all.”

“No, I don’t have a brother!” Lottie said this with so much conviction, Louis felt as if she really believed it.

Louis was heartbroken, seeing what a terrible mistake it was to come back. Coming back only made a mess of things, and he hurt Lottie even more. Just then, he had the saddest realization, that maybe they were doing fine because he wasn’t there. Maybe they didn’t really need him, anymore. And maybe it was selfish to come back. He only came back so he could be at peace with what he’s done, and maybe even finally be with Lottie and his mum.

“I- I’m sorry,” Louis choked back tears. He wanted to hug the two of them, but he was afraid it would only make everything worse.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve never come back. I’m so sorry,” Louis said as he bolts out the door, ignoring his mum calling out for him to stay.

He was finally making decisions for Lottie now. He’d been thinking about himself all these years that he hadn’t had time to think about what Lottie wanted. Now that he knows what will make her happy, he’s going to do it. He’s going to stay away from them, even if it means that he’s going to feel like absolute shit without even the possibility of them being together as a family again.

 

Louis tried to keep himself together before he got home. He tried to stop his tears before they even fell, but soon he couldn’t help himself anymore and ended up with red puffy eyes before he even got to their flat.

He was thankful that Zayn was working today and Niall had that library date, so no one was there to witness him fall apart. He was glad that they were there to help him but honestly, Louis felt like such a burden to them. And he often felt like he was only a bother to them, and he didn’t really want them to get tired of him, too.

But without them, he knew that no one would stop him from doing what he was about to do. He resented himself for even thinking it, but he couldn’t control the urges anymore. He saw no reason to control them.

He went inside the bathroom, locked the door, and let the bad habits return. He kneeled beside the toilet, pushed two fingers down his throat, and began to expel the lunch his mum had made for him.  

After emptying his stomach, Louis immediately felt lighter. He cleaned up, took a shower, and then went to bed.

It was only four in the afternoon, but Louis went through so much today that he felt like it was two in the morning already. He was exhausted and he just wanted to go to sleep.

He hid under his sheets, feeling as if he ran out of tears because now he just felt empty; and that was the feeling he knew best, that was the feeling that helped him survive.

So he let himself fall of the cliff. He was on the edge for so long and now he’s finally let go. He was already familiar with the abyss that swallowed him as he fell. So he drifted off, thinking about the darkness and telling himself that he felt nothing.


	12. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!!! (It's quite vague but still...)
> 
> Also, all the love to B for helping me out with this! x

_‘It’s funny because the first time you do it, you think that it’ll make you feel better somehow. That you don’t need to do it because you want to. You actually think it’s your choice. But after you do it, it’s like you can’t even remember why you even thought it would make you feel better. Sure the weight in your stomach seems lighter and the guilt is slowly fading but the regret is replacing everything. You regret eating that one last brownie. You regret filling your stomach when you could have just slept through the emptiness. Your throat stings a bit when you talk, too. And the worst part is, that it isn’t really your choice. When you do it often enough, it becomes a need. You’ll feel like you want to do it but in truth, you conditioned yourself to do it.’ Louis explained._

_It was when he accidentally got drunk that one night in the pub with Zayn, when Louis unintentionally told his mate what he’s been going through for the past couple of years._

_They’ve only met recently but already he was closer to Zayn than most of the mates he’d made in uni, so Louis let Zayn drag him out of the dorm and go out for a pint._

_He used to go out and get drunk with his mates back before college; but, at some point, before he even started uni, he just found the whole routine so exhausting._

_Actually, Louis doesn’t remember when he stopped being the life of the party, and instead began to avoid people. He just remembers feeling alone, and being alone, and no one seeming to care._

_It was like suddenly, he forgot how to hold a conversation and interact with people, without feeling so emotionally and physically drained._

_Louis’ bad habits started before he even enrolled in uni, and really, there wasn’t anyone looking out for him then, no one was there to stop him, so it persisted. But then he met Zayn._

_It wasn’t an unusual friendship at first, really. Zayn and Louis clicked right after they met and they became the best of mates during their second year in uni._

_Louis just felt so comfortable with the bloke, and everything felt so easy with him that he let his guard down whenever he was with him. Their friendship was new, but it had felt like they’ve known each other for years._

_It was then, when the alcohol either granted him enough courage to open up, or took away his self-control, that he accidentally told Zayn. He hadn’t been drinking for a long time so he might’ve forgotten his limits, and thus causing him to finally let everything out._

_Zayn was so heartbroken and was completely crestfallen. He knew people carried their own burdens, but this was so much more than one person could handle._

_So he listened to Louis, trying to explain what’s been happening to him, which apparently started before he even left his home. The lies Louis told, when he was with Eleanor and when his stepfather tried to erase Louis’ real sexuality, ate him up and this was his way of coping with everything. He called them his ‘bad habits’ but it was the worst kind of bad habits he’s ever heard._

_His story was so painful to hear, but Zayn wanted to share the weight Louis carried around with him. God knows, he hasn’t been handling everything well, even though he keeps a good front._

_Zayn thought that Louis was just shy at first. That he was just introverted, and he valued time with himself; so he kept to himself. He didn’t think that it was because he was sick. That he had been keeping so much pain inside him._

_He didn’t know what to do at first. They’ve only known each other for such a short amount of time, but it felt like it was longer. He was only getting to know the bloke, but now it felt like no one knew Louis more than him._

_When he’d heard Louis’ story, he had this sudden urge to protect him, and to help him get better. Zayn knew Louis wasn’t his responsibility, but he was his mate, and he wasn’t going to let Louis feel like he was alone anymore._

_The next day, Louis tried to avoid Zayn; although, it was much harder to do when Zayn stayed over and slept on his couch._

_He was just about to leave the room when Zayn woke up._

_‘You trying to escape?’ Zayn said as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes._

_Louis was tempted to blurt out a lie like he usually did, that he was just about to go get breakfast for them, but he knew Zayn would know he wasn’t telling the truth. So he hung his head instead, and kept silent._

_‘Lou,’ Zayn started, ‘come here.’_

_He patted the space on the couch next to him, his face not giving anything away._

_Louis sat next to him, expecting the worst. Maybe Zayn would berate him for acting so cowardly, or even try to act like nothing happened; Louis hoped that Zayn didn’t remember. He hoped that he wasn’t the only one who got smashed last night, and that Zayn woke up and didn’t remember a thing._

_Louis looked so small sitting next to Zayn. Zayn didn’t realize how fragile Louis looked, to be honest, until that moment. His urge to protect his friend became stronger then._

_‘Look, forget what I said last night,’ Louis began. ‘I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was saying-‘_

_Before he could even finish explaining himself, he was surprised with a hug._

_Zayn hugged him so tight, Louis didn’t know how to respond. No one’s hugged him this hard before, except maybe his mum. And with that thought, his heart started to ache and tears started to run down his cheeks._

_Zayn didn’t let go of Louis then. Not when his nose got all runny, and there wasn’t anything but Zayn’s sweatshirt to wipe the snot off his nose. He cried in Zayn’s arms until he ran out of tears._

_Zayn held himself, not wanting to cry with Louis, because he knew that his mate badly needed someone right now. Someone he could rely on, and not someone who felt sympathy and cried with him. So he patted Louis’ back, and let him fall apart in front of him; all the while, reassuring him that he was no longer by himself, and that he was there to take care of him now._

_After that, Zayn started coming over to Louis’ flat more often, and really looked after him. Louis didn’t fight him when he suggested that he go to therapy. He knew how bad it’s gotten, and honestly, he was just so tired of feeling so exhausted and so sad all the time._

_Zayn also helped him realize that it was because of his bad habits that he started to forget. He forgot that there were people who cared for him because he was so preoccupied with himself, with what people thought of him, with how he hated himself so much, and how much he didn’t deserve all his friends and family._

_He started to go to sessions, once a week, and slowly, he started to realize that because he kept himself at a distance from everyone, he unknowingly transitioned from someone who used to be such a gregarious person to a wallflower. He became cognizant of how abrupt his transformation was, that he didn’t know how to stop it, nor did he want to, until now._

_He was diagnosed with clinical depression, much to his disappointment. Subconsciously, he was aware of the symptoms, recalling how his mum was, but he tried so hard to ignore it. He was told that his depression was what triggered his eating disorder._

_It felt like such a heavy and serious diagnosis, that Louis had a hard time accepting it at first._

_He skipped a few sessions after that, not wanting to take his pills, and silently relapsing._

_Zayn caught him though, almost right after his relapse started, and he made Louis remember why he wanted to recover in the first place._

_Louis remembered Lottie and his mum. How much they care for him, and how he should get better so he could come back and be brave for them. Zayn helped Louis remember what it felt like to be loved, really, and to feel like people cared about you._

_He wanted to recover for them, and for himself. It was difficult at first, bad habits have their way of coming back no matter how much you tried to get rid of them._

_But when the relapses finally lessened, and Louis could finally control the urges, he finally felt like he didn’t need to go to his sessions that much anymore. He was taking his pills, and he finally felt like he wasn’t just trying to get through the day._

_Sure, he knew he was still recovering, but he felt so much stronger now compared to before. He compared himself to how his mum was before Lottie was born and told himself that he was stronger than her._

_He loved his mum, but he really didn’t want to be like her right now. He wanted to be more tenacious, more in control than her. And really, Louis finally felt like he was strong enough to hold himself._

_Zayn was hesitant of Louis’ decision at first. But he saw the determination in Louis’ eyes, so he tried his best to support him._

_After a few days though, Zayn began dropping hints to Louis how he was tired of living alone in his flat, and that maybe he should get a roommate. And Louis immediately understood what Zayn was trying to say._

_He knew Zayn wouldn’t force him to do anything he didn’t want to do; and he knew that his mate wanted to keep him close to keep an eye on him. But he already felt like such a burden to Zayn, so he rejected the idea at first._

_“Don’t you think it would be terrible if we lived together? You already know how such a nightmare I can be,” Louis said jokingly, finally answering Zayn’s unspoken question, although they both knew he meant it._

_“Lou, I would prefer your nightmarish company over any other,” Zayn replied. “But if you really don’t want to…” Zayn’s tone was playful, but the sincerity was obvious in his eyes; so obvious that Louis began to rethink his decision._

_Zayn was the first person Louis actually felt like he could trust after such a long time, so in the end he found himself agreeing with him._

_‘I want to get better, and Zayn wants me to get better,’ Louis thought to himself and finally decided that he would stop pushing away the people who care for him and start giving them a chance to show him that they do._

***

Louis hadn’t relapsed since he moved in with Zayn but after he’d done it that night he came home, he’s began to forget the reasons why.

 

It happened slowly, though. Louis remembered the frequent headaches he got, the panic attacks he’d endured before, and he realized that he didn’t want to be that sick, again.

So he compromised. He needed to punish himself, but also, he didn’t want to go back to that awful state.

He convinced himself that not purging everything he ate was one step forward from before, although really, it wasn’t.

 

Louis hid it so carefully, now, knowing Zayn knew the symptoms, and Niall was aware of it, too. But he had a hard time controlling his temperature now, too; even when it involved Harry.

He became more irritable, much like he was before, and began to pick fights with Harry more often. They made up almost as soon as they started each fight though. Louis always apologized, acknowledging how sensitive he could be.

——

Harry started to get concerned. Even though Liam told him that this might be the period in their relationship where Louis was maybe finally starting to show his true colors, he felt that there was something else going on with Louis. So he was patient, and he waited for Louis to actually talk to him.

 

Harry couldn’t contain his worry for long though, and finally talked to Louis.

 

It’s only been a couple of days since Louis’ asked him for advice before; and he suddenly became irritable. Harry tried to choose his words carefully, aware how Louis seemed to express his love between the (nonexistent) lines these days.

 

“You know you could tell me anything, right?” Harry whispered to Louis as they were entangled in each other on his bed that night.

Louis just hummed, not wanting to open this discussion.

“If something’s bothering you, you could always talk to me about it,” Harry tried again.

“I know,” Louis answered. But he buried his face deeper into Harry’s chest, so Harry couldn’t really see if Louis meant it or not.

“Alright, let me try again,” Harry said. “Is anything bothering you, Louis?”

“Why do you ask?” Louis finally looks up at Harry.

Harry didn’t want to offend Louis so he chose his words more carefully.

“It’s just that, I feel like you haven’t been acting like yourself lately,” Harry explained.

 “What do you mean?” Louis sounded quite slighted.

“Nothing, nevermind.” Harry wanted to retract his words and go back to the peaceful night they were having; but now that they were out, he felt an argument approaching.

“Harry, are you suggesting something?” Louis began to prod him.

“No, Louis. I’m just worried about you, that’s all.” Harry was trying to calm Louis down, but he’s already gotten up and Harry felt a storm coming.

“Please, Louis, let’s not do this tonight, okay?” Harry pleaded.

“Do what?” Louis’ tone was sharp and Harry felt like it hit him right in the chest.

Harry was hurt, not for the first time, really, and braced himself for the spat that was about to take place. But instead, Louis began packing his things, and said that he was too tired to do this, right now.

“Please don’t leave, Louis. Just stay with me here, please?” Harry realized that he was wrong to push Louis now, and immediately regrets it. He just wants to hold Louis right now, and stop this petty fight from happening.

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it,” Harry said, even though they both know that he really did mean it.

Half of Louis wanted to tell Harry everything; and wanted to let Harry take care of him. But the other half of him stopped himself. That part of him convinced him that he didn’t deserve Harry.

Really, he couldn’t comprehend why Harry was still with him. He knew he’s been treating him like shit the past couple of days, but Harry just took it. He was like this puppy that believed his owner was so much better than he really was.

“Why don’t you just go back to G, huh?” Louis began.

He didn’t know where this accusation came from because it’s been so long since he saw that person call Harry’s phone. He had his suspicions but he never really believed they were true.

“What?” Harry was surprised.

He thought that Louis forgot about that, but it seems that he just buried his questions on the matter. Maybe it was his fault though, Harry thought. He did lie to Louis, though not for the reasons Louis thought.

“You know who I’m talking about,” Louis’ tone was sharp, again.

Really, Louis wanted to stop himself, then; but something in him urged him to carry on.

Harry was taken aback. Louis never left before they reconciled, but it looked like he’s serious this time. He was about to explain everything when Louis headed for the door.

“Lou, wait-,” Harry started.

“I’m tired Harry, I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed tonight.”

And with that Louis left, ignoring Harry’s pleas for him to stay.

 

Louis knew that G wasn’t really a threat to their relationship, maybe even no one significant, but something in him kept wanting to argue with Harry.

He hadn’t realized that it was probably the part of him that wanted to prove that he didn’t deserve him. He was a shit boyfriend, and Harry should really break up with him.

Especially now, as he began to realize that he wasn’t only lying to Harry but to himself, too.

He thought that he was tired, and that he wanted to sleep; however, as soon as he got to his flat, and finds it empty, he began to feel that itch in his throat.

 

Louis had been purging after almost every meal, then. Not all of it, but enough to feel that lightness in his stomach. Still, no one knew, though. He hadn’t mentioned Eleanor, Lottie or his mum to any one of the boys, and once again, he let his feelings, all the guilt, shame, and pain, eat him up, thinking that he deserved them.


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while! Thank you for your patience!! The next chapter is currently in progress so it shouldn't take as long x

Louis woke up feeling like he had a hangover, which was absurd, considering he didn’t even drink any alcohol last night. His vision was a bit blurry at first, and he rubbed his eyes trying to get a clearer view, except it seemed to have only made it worse.

He grunted, suddenly aware of the grumbling noises his stomach was making. 

He hid under his pillows and grunted again. “God, I'm too tired for this,” he said to himself.

Then Louis heard his door crack open, so he lifted his head and saw a startled Zayn.

"Oh hey, I thought you stayed at Harry’s last night" Zayn said.

Then he stopped in his tracks, as if he saw something frightening.

"You look terrible, mate. What happened?" he finally said.

Louis suddenly remembers last night, how he berated Harry, went home, made himself sick and cried himself to sleep.

 _'That explains why I feel so horrible,_ ' he thought.

Louis didn't know where to start, but Zayn must've seen it in Louis' face because his eyes softened immediately.

Louis knew that look Zayn was giving him, it was the ‘oh-honey-whatever-it-is-I’m-here-for-you’ look, but he didn’t really want to relive the fight last night.

“Thanks for the honesty, lad.” Louis knew he sounded sarcastic and mean, but really, he’s just so exhausted.

Still, he stopped himself from rolling his eyes as he remembered how Zayn genuinely cared for him. So, he sighed and replied more sincerely this time, “Sorry, it’s nothing, love. Just had a row with Harry last night.”

Zayn sat beside Louis’ and put his arm over Louis’ shoulder.

“Oh babe, I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” Zayn asked.

Louis leaned in on Zayn’s touch and rested his head on Zayn’s shoulder for a bit. This was the kind of moment when Louis was thankful for being small, and the only kind of time he would admit to it. He fit almost perfectly on the shoulders of the people he loved, and he really liked feeling like they were his shield from all the terrors he didn’t want to face.

“Thanks love, but not right now.” Louis whispered.

 

Louis’ realized that he missed Zayn. Lately, he’s been spending time with him, Niall, and Harry or usually just Harry. He hasn’t really been spending time with Zayn as much as they used to, and he realized that he missed it just being the two of them. Niall’s lovely, he’s fun and kind, but he’s also loud, and sometimes he’d forget that Louis isn’t very comfortable with a lot of people and end up taking them to big and loud places. It was alright to Louis, but he missed just chilling with Zayn and having long and random chats with him. Zayn was cool and quiet but he could talk about anything, as well, if he was really interested in it. He was also a good listener and knew how to respect Louis’ limits, which were, knowing Louis, a lot. He had a lot of restricted areas in their conversations at first, but Zayn never pushed him; and that made it easier to tell him about everything else when the time came. Also, the liquid courage he had that one night might’ve also helped.

 

Zayn hummed, then said, “Alright, bebz. But you always know that I’m here when you need to talk, right?”

“I know. Thank you.” Louis smiled at him.

Zayn smiled in return and sat up straighter, suddenly remembering what he came in here for.

“Oh, that’s right. I came in here to get that book you borrowed from me last week. I got it from the library, and it’s kind of past the return date.”

“Oh, yeah. It’s somewhere here,” Louis said as he extracted himself from Zayn and dug around his drawers.

 

Louis gave Zayn a reassuring smile after he declined to go out with him and Niall today. They were going to see a film and maybe get some food afterwards, which Louis knew his stomach might not handle. He knew Zayn didn’t really believe that he was alright, but he was glad that he left together with his unasked questions that Louis didn’t really want to answer.

 

After the boys left, he went outside his room to take a quick shower and drink a glass of water. Despite his stomach’s protests, he went back to bed and tried to sleep through the hunger. He convinced himself that he was more exhausted than hungry until his brain finally gave in.

 

A few hours later, he heard the doorbell ring, and was surprised to find Harry holding a box of pizza, and smiling apologetically at Louis.

Louis eyes widen and Harry, afraid Louis was going to shut the door at him, stepped inside before he finally turned and spoke to Louis.

“Lou, I’m so sorry! Please don’t ask me to leave. I brought a peace offering, and I swear I won’t say anything to upset you ever again.”

Louis saw the pizza and immediately thought about their first real date, the one where he took Harry to his favourite pizza place, and felt his heart melt inside him.

It was Harry’s eyes that widened in surprise next as Louis hugged him in response. He hugged him so tight, as if they hadn’t seen each other just last night. Harry hugged him back, thankful not to be pushed away this time, and finally felt himself relax in Louis’ arms.

Louis then held him at arm’s length, looked into Harry’s eyes and said, “I’m sorry, too, Hazz. It was all my fault and I shouldn’t have stormed out like that. I know I’ve treated you like shit the past couple of days, acting like a belligerent teenager, but I’ve just been going through a lot and I just wasn’t sure how to tell you.”

“It’s alright, love. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I was just so worried that I couldn’t help myself from asking anymore,” Harry replied.

“I know, and I’m sorry I pushed you away when you did… I tend to do that sometimes,” Louis bit his lip, and Harry touched it, realizing he missed those thin pink lips of his.

Harry then leaned in and captured Louis’ lips with his, one hand on Louis’ small back and the other holding the pizza he brought. He only meant to give him a soft kiss to reassure Louis that he understood him, but instead, Louis parted his lips and licked into his mouth, telling Harry he missed him, too.

Harry suddenly felt a needy desperation, and moaned into the kiss. He almost forgot that he was holding a box of pizza, and so told Louis as he started to brush his lips along his neck that he thought they should eat first.

Louis stopped, looked at Harry and said with overt desire in his eyes, “I think I want to have dessert first, don’t you?”

He smirked and Harry grinned, placing the box on the nearest table. He then lifted Louis and threw him on the couch, too eager to wait ‘til they reached Louis’ bedroom.

 

 

They were naked on the couch, finally satiated and thankful to be in each other’s arms again. Louis was on top of Harry, tracing the tattoos on his chest; and Harry was smiling warmly at him when he finally caught Louis’ fingers and kissed them affectionately.

“Now don’t be angry at me, but I want to explain G to you,” he started.

“Oh,” Louis said, unsure if he wanted to hear it.

Louis placed a hand on Harry’s chest to stop him from saying anything more though.

“Before you do, can I tell you what’s on my mind first?” Louis continued, his voice suddenly becoming so small, Harry wasn’t sure if he would hear it if they weren’t near each other right now.

“Okay, sure,” he answered softly, and smiled reassuringly at Louis.

Louis sat up, and motioned for Harry to do the same. He wasn’t sure if he could explain it to Harry without crying and he didn’t want to breakdown on top of him. It took him a few seconds to gather the courage to speak though, but when he did, he sounded more certain of himself than before.

“Okay, so I saw a girl I used to date a couple of weeks ago and it just brought up some unresolved feelings, not love or anything like that, more like anger and hate. And I guess, I’ve just been repressing all those feelings for so long that when I finally saw her, I broke. And you know I’m not a big fan of sharing my feelings and all that, so I think I expressed all the anger and hate I felt by projecting them on the people around me; and since we’re together so often, I projected the most on you. I know I acted like I was mad at you, but really, I was mad at myself. I was mad because I remembered what I went through and how I allowed her to treat me like shit before, and then I began to push you away, I guess, by starting all those petty rows. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I don’t know, something just came over me. I really don’t deserve you Harry, I’m so sorry.”

Harry felt his heart breaking for Louis. He knew Louis could be self-deprecating sometimes, but he didn’t know he thought this way about himself. This angel genuinely believed he didn’t deserve him, when it was Harry who thought Louis was too good for him from the start. He was so talented, so kind, and so beautiful that it hurt Harry to see Louis before, when he thought he could never be with him. He thought Louis was amazing, and he honestly can’t comprehend why Louis couldn’t see it himself.

“Oh Lou, I’m sorry you felt that way. I never knew you thought of me like that, but honestly, I thought you were the one who was too good for me. You’re brilliant, and you’re mine, and really, you’re the most important person to me. I don’t know what she did to you before but I’m sorry she put you through hell, but know that I’m here now and I will never do that to you,” Harry replied.

Louis laughed at that. He didn’t know why Harry thought he was too good for him, but he stopped as soon as he saw the sincerity in the bloke’s eyes. He couldn’t understand Harry’s belief in him, but he was so grateful for it. It was difficult to find people you can anchor yourself on, those who would be strong enough for both of you when you felt weak, but Louis thought Harry was one of them. He doesn’t know if Harry knew it, but his heart wasn’t just his anymore, it was theirs.

“I don’t know why you think so highly of me, Harry, but thank you for believing in me. Thank you for understanding,” Louis replied.

“And I want you to know that I won’t let the past affect our relationship anymore. So if G was an ex, or someone part of your past, I don’t want to hear it. I know you would never purposefully do anything to hurt me, and I’m sorry I ever brought it up,” Louis continued.

Harry kissed Louis and Louis felt him smiling as he did. Louis ignored the mental dispute going on in his head.

 

‘ _You fucking lied to him, I can’t believe you fucking lied to him,’_ part of him thought.

 _‘I told him half the truth, the half he needed to know,’_ part of him justified himself.

 _‘This isn’t right,_ ’ the other part argued.

‘ _Nothing usually is,_ ’ he reasoned, and left it at that.

 

After their kiss, Harry finally said, “G isn’t an ex, Lou. She’s my sister, Gemma.”

Louis stiffened for a few seconds, remembering his own sister, Lottie, then he shook himself, remembering where he was.

Then he became cognizant of the fact that he just accused Harry of cheating on him with his own sister and mentally slapped himself for his own stupidity.

He felt so embarrassed, so he stayed silent and just looked at Harry, hoping he’d continue, and he did.

“It’s a nickname,” Harry explained.

Louis thought Harry was going to laugh at him, but instead, he was the one who laughed first. And Harry laughed with him, mostly amused at how cute Louis is.

“Fuck,” Louis said as he tried to catch his breath. And when the laughter finally died down, Harry continued.

“Right, I was arranging a surprise dinner so you could finally meet my family. I thought we were ready to take our relationship to the next level, but I still had a few loose strings with my sister. I might’ve stolen one or two of her boyfriends-“

At that Louis raised an eyebrow at Harry.

“I know, I was an arsehole back then,” he looked down in shame but then looks at Louis again as he went on.

“But then I met you and I thought maybe it’s finally time to patch things up with her because I wanted to do it right with you. I don’t know. I just wanted to be a bloke you deserved.”

Louis saw Harry’s cheeks redden, maybe in embarrassment, but Louis didn’t know why he would be.

And Harry felt the relief flood through him, finally feeling like everything’s right between them again.

Louis smiled at him, no longer ashamed of his stupid accusations, and instead, blushed in return, feeling the butterflies in his stomach again.

“God, you’re wonderful,” Louis said, unabashed.

Harry’s cheeks turned redder in response and Louis just laughed at him.

Louis might think he didn’t deserve Harry but at this moment, he was just so grateful Harry was all his.

“Now, let’s get dressed before the boys come in here and find us both naked again, alright?” Louis remarked as he stood up and began to pick up their abandoned clothes on the floor.

Louis recalled the boys walking in on them as he was choking on Harry that one afternoon, and still remembers the excruciating weeks filled with what felt like endless teasing after that. Harry didn’t mind it, but Louis was so embarrassed that he couldn’t stop himself from blushing every time they laughed at him.

 

They ate the pizza in Louis’ room afterwards, not wanting to be disturbed by the boys when they arrived. Louis only ate one slice, knowing that his stomach wouldn’t be able to handle any more, and was glad that Harry was there to help him ignore the itch in his throat afterwards.

It was an odd feeling to rely on someone other than Zayn, Louis thought. He knew Zayn would always be there for him, but he felt that it was too much to always rely on him, so he was relieved that Niall joined them, as well. And now, his heart felt like it was going to burst because he realized that Harry was there for him, too. He might not have fully accepted it yet, but he was trying.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Harry woke up and heard the rain pouring hard before he even glanced at the window. Louis was sleeping beside him, and he looked so beautiful, all calm and relaxed. Harry felt his heart melting inside his chest. It was an odd thing, seeing Louis peaceful these days; and he knew now that it’s because he was haunted by his past. It was harrowing to know Louis carried so much pain, but he was glad he finally shared it with him.

Harry smiled at Louis, knowing he looked like a creepy idiot doing it; but he couldn’t help feeling elated that Louis was in his arms again, that they were okay again.

Louis stirred, and Harry closed his eyes, and pretended to be asleep. The last time Louis was the first to wake up, he made breakfast for them, and kissed Harry to wake him up. Harry really wanted that to happen again.

Harry felt Louis sit up, and waited for him to get up, but instead, he felt Louis leaning closer to him.

He tried to stop a smile from forming as Louis whispered, “Were you creepily watching me sleep again?”

Harry pretended to wake up, blinking hard before he finally looked at Louis and replied, “Hmm? Were you saying something?”

Louis chuckled, then playfully hit Harry’s shoulder.

“You’re bad at acting, do you know that?” Louis said.

“And you’re morning breath stinks worse than rotten eggs!” Harry retorted.

“Like yours is any better!” Louis argues. “And if it’s so bad, then don’t expect to get a kiss in the mornings anymore.”

Harry pouted, finally caving. “I’m just kidding, Lou! Your kiss is the only thing I look forward to in the mornings.”

Louis smiled, glad to have defeated Harry. “I know,” and with that he gives him a chaste kiss. It was quick but passionate, and it left them both smiling afterwards.

“So, let’s get breakfast!” Harry said as he got up, seeming to have too much energy for someone who doesn’t really like mornings.

 

“What are you blokes all smiley about?” Niall asked them as they sat down for breakfast.

“Nothing you’d want to hear about,” Harry joked and winked at Niall for effect.

Niall made a disgusted face, then continued to down his toast.

Louis rolled his eyes then smiled at them, and Harry saw Zayn smiling, too. He looked happy for Louis. Harry knew Zayn must’ve been worried for Louis, as well. Harry was pretty sure Zayn knew about Louis’ ex being back, and he doesn’t take it to heart that he was probably the last one in the room who knew about it; he’s just glad he knows about it, too. It’s hard enough breaking Louis’ walls. Harry was just thankful he was starting to crack, even if the crevices are still quite small, he’s starting to see inside, and that’s all that matters.

“Alright, alright,” Zayn finally said. “Do you two lovebirds want toast, as well?”

“Yes, please. Thanks!” Harry answered.

“Sure, thanks.” Louis agreed.

“So, what are ya guys up to today?” Niall asked Harry and Louis as Zayn made their toast.

“Probably going to eat each other’s faces, and ignore us all day,” Zayn answered before they could reply.

“Hey that’s not all we do,” Louis argued.

“Yeah, they choke on each other’s dicks, too!” Niall joined.

Louis flushed, embarrassed at the memory. Harry could feel him cringing inside so he answered for him.

“Stop being dickheads, both of you. I’m going to do another knock knock joke if you guys don’t stop!” Harry threatened.

“Noo!! Alright, alright! We’ll stop!” Niall chuckled and raised his hands in defeat.

Louis found Harry’s jokes absolutely adorable but the rest of the boys didn’t really agree.

“Anyways, it’s alright if you do though,” Niall smirked. “Me and Zayn are gonna be out all day so you got the flat to yourselves.”

Louis raised an eyebrow.

“Are you blokes hanging out without me, now?” he asked, trying to sound hurt.

“Oh shut up, we know you like being alone with curly, over here,” Niall rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but I miss Zayn!” Louis protested. “Can’t you just go by yourself and leave Zaynie with us?”

“I miss you, too, Lou. But I’ve gotta go with Niall to my mate’s art gallery today. I promised I’d help him with his art history homework,” Zayn replied.

“Ohh, you guys are going to an art gallery???” Harry suddenly asks with great excitement.

“Let’s go too, Lou!!!” Harry smiled, looking thrilled at the idea.

Louis nodded, he could never resist Harry’s green eyes on him; and it’s been awhile since he’s been to an art gallery himself.

——

It stopped raining right before they left the art gallery. The streets were wet but neither Harry nor Louis seemed to mind. They left Zayn and Niall behind, since Zayn wanted to stay to support his mate.

Louis felt relieved, to be honest, because he knew if they all left together, they’d all eat lunch together, and he was afraid Zayn would start to notice how little he’s eating these days. Zayn knew the signs well enough, and Louis really didn’t want Zayn to worry considering he’s getting better again. Sure, he’s not really in the best condition right now, but he’s better today than he was yesterday and Louis thought that that counted for something. This morning was easy since Louis doesn’t really eat a lot during breakfast but lunch was different. Lunch was bigger and scarier.

Louis felt Harry squeeze his hand and he blinked, realizing he’s gotten lost in his thoughts again.

“Whatcha thinking ‘bout?” Harry asked, sounding too cute for Louis.

Sometimes, it was easy to forget that Harry’s a large tattooed man when he used this tone, widened his already endearing green eyes, and smiled big enough to let you know he knows about his dimples and exactly how to use them.

Louis rolled his eyes and smiled.

“Just thinking how amazing the gallery was,” Louis replied.

Harry hummed, urging Louis to continue. He loved hearing Louis explain stuff to him; especially, when he could hear the smile as he talked. Harry loved seeing Louis happy, and he loved hearing it, too.

“I just love how different all his pieces looked from each other. But when you look at them closely, they all somehow relate to each other. And I felt like I really got to know the artist with each piece, you know? It made me remember why I got into photography. I’m glad we came.”

Harry beamed and replied, “I’m glad we came, too.”

 

Louis told Harry how he got into photography even before they started dating. Harry asked him one day, curious to know how Louis got started in the field, and Louis told him, reminiscing as he did so.

The first camera Louis had was a digital that didn’t really have that many features, but it was enough to make Louis interested in taking snapshots. He brought it with him everywhere he went, to the point where people would sometimes get annoyed that he kept taking snapshots. But Louis rarely listened to them. To him, every good moment deserved to be made concrete. He wanted to remember the good moments, as well as he remembered the bad ones. The bad memories might’ve left him with some bruises, but the good memories almost always had photographs, and that’s what made Louis fall in love with photography.

 

They came home to an empty flat carrying take away. They stopped by a deli shop on the way and both got subs. Louis headed to the kitchen to get some plates and sodas, while Harry headed to the living room to put on a film for them to watch.

“You better not pick any of the romantic comedies we’ve seen over and over again with the boys,” Louis shouts from the kitchen, seeming to read Harry’s mind.

“Yeah, alright!” Harry replied as his hands slowly glide over The Proposal.

He settles on The Parent Trap. A film he must’ve seen about fifty times, but doesn’t remember ever watching it with Louis yet so he puts it in the DVD player.

Louis was sat on the couch getting their sandwiches out of the bag when Harry sat next to him.

He smiled when he realized what the film Harry put in was. Harry looked at Louis questioningly.

“This one’s a favourite,” Louis smiled at him affectionately.

“Good choice, babe,” he said as he kissed Harry on the cheek.

Harry grinned, pleased with himself; and grabbed the plate that had his sandwich on it and started munching.

Louis broke his in two, took a small bite from one half, and then left his plate on the table. He chewed slowly, then sipped some water after. Instead of taking another bite though, he rested his head on Harry’s shoulder and focused on the film. Harry didn’t seem to notice, busy with his own sub.

Louis hadn’t realized he fell asleep ‘til he woke up on Harry’s lap. Harry was laughing, or rather, he was trying not to laugh; because he stiffened every now and then, trying to stop his himself from shaking, as his body usually did when he laughed too hard. Louis sat up as Harry was covering his mouth, stopping his wonderfully deep boisterous laugh from escaping his mouth. Louis crinkled his eyes, and saw that he slept through almost the entire film. The twins were already out camping with Meredith, and Harry was laughing from all the pranks they did on her.

 _‘God, he’s so adorable,’_ Louis thought.

“Oh, hey! Good morning, sleepyhead,” Harry cooed.

Louis wrinkled his nose in response.

“Didn’t know you were tired, love. Feeling alright?” Harry asked.

“Didn’t know I was tired, too. Guess, I just needed a nap,” Louis shrugged.

“Awww, well you never finished your sandwich before your nap. Do you want me to heat it up for you or make you something else? No one really wants a soggy sandwich, do they…?” Harry asked.

“Oh, right,” Louis answered.

Then ignoring his silent but grumbling stomach, he lied and said, “No, it’s alright. I’m not that hungry anyways.”

“You, sure?” Harry asked, sounding a bit worried.

“Yeah. I just don’t feel like eating right now,” Louis tried to sound more convincing.

“Alright,” Harry answered and finally let it go.

 

“So, tell me about Gemma,” Louis suddenly asked Harry after a few minutes of silence.

After the film ended, they found themselves so comfortable cuddling on the sofa, neither of them moved. And Harry put on some random show on the telly which neither of them really paid attention to.

Harry was playing with Louis’ hands, which looked so tiny in his, when he was caught by surprise with Louis’ question.

He then smiled, more to himself really, because he remembered that Louis was finally going to meet his family soon. And so he let the nostalgia creep in and continued to play with Louis’ hands as he started to reminisce.

“I don’t really know what to tell you, Lou,” Harry answered honestly.

Louis hummed as he thought about it. “Alright, what’s your first memory of her?”

Harry thought about it, then chuckled softly as he remembered.

“Okay, so when we were little, I used to fit Gemma’s dresses, and instead of getting mad, Gemma would just smile at me; and she would do my make-up, fix my hair, and even let me try on some of her shoes,” Harry recalled. He was laughing now, more amused than nostalgic, really.

Harry continued, “And my mum was always open with that kind of stuff, so she was in on it, too. They took lots of pictures and videos of me all dressed up, and of course as I was growing up, I started to regret it because then I had all these albums filled with me in girl clothes. And I never really wanted to bring any of my mates home because some of the photos were hung on the walls and I was always telling them to remove it, but they never did!”

Harry wasn’t laughing anymore, but instead, Louis saw him hiding a wistful smile when he turned around.

Harry paused for a few seconds before pushing a hand through his hair and saying, “God, sorry. Now I’ve become all pensive.”

Louis looked at Harry, and ignored his thoughts about his own sister.

 _'This isn't the right time to think about her,'_ Louis thought.

“Are you glad that they didn’t?” Louis asked.

“Didn’t what?” Harry responded, forgetting what he had said.

“Didn’t take down the photos,” Louis answered.

“Oh,” Harry said. “I guess, so.”

“I mean, yeah. I’m glad. Since I realized I looked fucking cute in dresses,” Harry answered, more surely this time.

Louis laughed. He’s always loved how Harry saw the bright side of things. Maybe he didn't see them right away, but eventually, he saw the good in them; and Louis sometimes envied that trait of his, to be honest.

Harry was a ball of sunshine that can brighten things up, even when the dark clouds around him threatened to bring rain.

“So….” Louis began.

“So….?” Harry asked.

“So, can I ask how you two fell apart…?” Louis finally said.

“Well,” Harry started. He knew Louis might not see him the same as before if he told him the entire story, but he also knew he wanted Louis to know him more than anyone in the world, just like he wanted to know Louis. Louis might not be ready to tell him his entire story yet, but he was ready to know Harry’s; and Harry was so ready to let Louis know his, so he answered Louis honestly.

“Okay, so in high school, my sister was seeing this guy, James. They never really labelled their relationship, so I didn’t think they were anything serious.”

Louis was facing him then. His chin resting on his knees, listening intently to Harry’s story.

“So I kissed James.” Louis eyes widened in pretend surprised and Harry rolled his eyes. He’d told Louis the short version before, but now he’s finally telling the entire thing; and he’s glad Louis is taking some pleasure out of it.

Harry continued, “As I said, I didn’t think they were serious! And I really liked James, so I thought that maybe it was worth it, you know?”

Louis nodded, but Harry wasn’t sure if Louis agreed or just wanted him to continue, either way, he did.

“And it’s so cliché, but it turned out Gemma really did like James, and James was a real twat and blamed me for everything. I don’t know. It’s shit, but I guess after that, Gemma had a hard time trusting me, and when I got tired of apologizing over and over again, and literally having the door slammed on my face, I gradually became the person she hated.”

Louis scrunched his eyebrows, wondering how this incredible person in front of him could ever be hated by someone. Harry didn’t seem to notice though and went on.

“I turned into a real arse, and I just kept stealing her boyfriends. I mean, I didn’t do it because I loved any of them. Well, maybe James, but he was a real dickhead so maybe it was just infatuation. I don’t know. And when she went to uni, she had the best excuse to never talk to me again, and I guess, I never really tried, too. Well, that was until I met you.”

Harry’s lips then curled up, suddenly feeling like a schoolgirl with a crush. He was nervous what Louis might think of him now that he knows, but his worries went away when he saw Louis.

Louis was trying to stop himself from smiling, too, but he'd failed to do so; and instead, smiled wide enough to make his eyes crinkle.

“God, aren’t we a bunch of schoolgirls,” Harry laughed.

“I just want you to know, that if I knew you before, I would have never dated your sister and just gone straight to you,” Louis said as a matter-of-factly.

“That’s appreciated, but you’re too young for my sister. She’s older than me,” Harry said.

“Some people like to have younger lovers,” Louis smirked mischievously.

“And some younger lovers like getting attacked by their older lovers,” Harry said, looking impish.

He then bared his teeth out, and stretched out his fingers like claws, signaling an upcoming tickle fight.

“OH MY GOD, DON’T!!!” Louis screamed as he got up and started to run away.

Harry chased him, growling like a monster, but looking too adorable to actually seem like one.

Louis was laughing, even before Harry caught him; and he shrieked and fell on his bed when Harry did. Louis yelled he surrendered when he realized he didn’t have the strength to topple Harry and beat him in his own game.

Harry lay next to Louis as they both tried to catch their breaths. And when they both calmed down, he rested his curls on Louis’ chest, listening to his heartbeat; while Louis mindlessly played with his hair. They were both silent then, content in each other's company; and welcomed the silence building around them. As it seemed to carry the feelings neither of them could express in words.

It was then when Louis realized that even though he may not be a ball of sunshine like Harry was, Harry shined so bright that he could shine for both of them. Harry could be his light while he was still brightening his own rays. It might take a while to get over the dark and gloomy clouds that are currently hanging over his head; however, with Harry by his side, Louis just knew that he would eventually get through them.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Louis walked into the all-too-familiar Italian place, smelling the pizza aroma that will always make him nostalgic. His stomach grumbled as soon as it hit him though, and his heart raced simultaneously, questioning his strength and self-control.

It’s been a couple of days since he’d last been sick but that’s only because he was moderating. He could hold down 3 meals a day now, but not any more than half of them.

Today though, Louis skipped breakfast entirely, thinking that maybe he could hold down an entire lunch if he did. He was also running out of excuses to skip out on lunch with the boys. So today, he said yes.

 _‘I’m going to be fine,’_ Louis told himself, not sure if he really believed it or if he was trying to convince himself.

Louis saw the boys in their usual booth near the kitchen. It was the booth he and Harry had their date. Niall was already ordering, and Zayn was busy with his phone. Neither saw Louis trembling as he moved towards them.

 _‘You can handle this. You’re better now_.’ Louis repeated his usual mantra in his head; and took deep breaths as he walked slowly towards the boys.

Louis realized his fists were clenched, so he unclenched them as he sat down; and composed himself before he spoke.

“You couldn’t even wait for me, eh?” Louis said to Niall, trying to sound like his usual self.

“Hey, I saw you coming in and then I called the waiter,” Niall countered.

"And anyway, I already ordered for you. The usual right?" Niall added.

The thought of a whole pizza to himself made Louis dizzy.

"I was actually thinking of sharing this time, mate. Had a big breakfast at Harry's place this morning," Louis lied.

He wanted to keep down a whole meal, but it would be much more difficult if it was a large serving of greasy food.

Louis looked to Zayn, trying to gauge his reaction; but he was obviously too distracted by his phone to notice.

"Fine, then. But I'm not sharing mine so just give me what’s left of yours," Niall compromised.

"Thanks, Ni" Louis beamed.

That helped Louis calm down, but he still needed a distraction before the food arrived. He needed to not think about all the greasy, good-smelling food in this place. Good thing, Niall was a good conversationalist, Louis thought.

“Oh my god, Louis, thank god you’re here,” Niall said after the waiter left with their orders.

“Whatdya mean?” Louis asked him.

“I’ve been so alone with this bloke,” Niall pointed at Zayn, who was still on his phone. “He hasn’t stopped sexting that Liam bloke since we got here!”

Zayn shoved Niall, finally letting go of his phone. “The fuck, mate. You were too busy eyeing the menu when we got here! Which is weird since you’ve already got it memorized from all the times we’ve been here.”

“Well, that’s because you wouldn’t respond to our conversations properly, idiot!” Niall tried to sound irritated.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized you were trying to strike up a conversation when the only questions you were asking me was whether you should get pasta _or_ a pizza, or pasta _and_ a pizza,” Zayn laughed at Niall.

“Hey, that was an important question!!!” Niall exclaimed.

Zayn rolled his eyes, and Louis laughed at them. Then the name registered in his brain, and his eyes widened when he was struck by the sudden realization.

“Wait, do you mean Liam from my office???” Louis sounded aghast.

“Yes, why do you look so shocked???” Zayn asked.

Louis cleared his throat as he was processing what he’d just heard and tried to keep his tone steadier this time.

“What?” he said nonchalantly.

“You know what, Tomlinson,” Zayn told him, eyeing him cautiously.

“Nothing,” Louis tried to act breezy but failed. “I was just surprised, mate. He’s my boss for Christ’s sake!”

"Well, you're seeing your boss, too!" Zayn laughed, mocking him.

Louis' eyebrows shot up in disbelief. Zayn was suddenly overprotective of Liam and Louis didn't know how to feel about it.

"Alright, calm down. You both have boyfriends, I get it,” Niall said, trying to break the tension.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Zayn replied. “Well, not yet,” he added.

“Oh my god,” Niall said, bewildered at Zayn’s sudden coquettishness.

Louis had seen Zayn flirt with boys before, but he seems to be really into Liam for him to behave this way.

“Wait, what about his girlfriend???” Louis asked.

“He has a girlfriend?!?!” Niall was flabbergasted.

“Well, they’ve been apart for months, and I happened to be single, as well,” Zayn was smirking now. More naughty than pleased, Louis thought.

“Alright, whatever, mate.” Louis said as he held up his hands. “Didn’t think he was your type, but whatever.”

Zayn raised an eyebrow, daring either of them to say more, but they kept their mouths shut.

When Louis got over the fact that Zayn was into his boss, he suddenly felt ecstatic for his friend. Louis reminded himself that he wasn’t in the position to judge him; and saw that Zayn looks like he really liked Liam so he was happy for him. He was eager to tell Harry the news, too. Then he thought of all the double dates they could have, and Louis was stoked to hang out with Liam. He was more of Harry’s mate in the office, and Louis was too shy to be the first to approach him so they don’t really talk that much.

Zayn was about to send another text to Liam when Louis finally apologized.

“We’re sorry, mate. We were just worried about you, that’s all,” Louis said, speaking for the both of them.

Zayn sighed. He knew how the guys could overreact sometimes, especially Louis; so he easily forgave the both of them.

“I know,” Zayn said.

After a brief silence, Niall finally chirped, “Alright, now that Lou is here, put your phone away and tell us about this Liam bloke, yeah?”

Louis nodded, and Zayn’s lips finally curled up forming a schoolgirl smile.

Finally, Zayn told them how he’d met Liam. He was quite animated, too, obviously keen on Liam. Zayn blushed every time he said Liam’s name, and he looked so enchanted, Louis felt Zayn’s smile was contagious.

To be honest, Louis felt victorious, as well. Finally, he could tease Zayn about someone now. And he wasn’t the only one with a boyfriend who makes him do embarrassing stuff anymore. Louis smiled, overjoyed at the thought.

When the food arrived, Louis’ nervousness suddenly returned; however, he tried to brush it off by widening his smile and asking Zayn when he was going to bring Liam home.

“Stop, right there,” Zayn said to him.

Louis froze, scared Zayn might’ve sensed something was wrong.

“Don’t you dare think of asking him to our flat without telling me, Lou!” Zayn cried.

Louis released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, laughing as he did so to mask it.

“Don’t worry,” he replied.

Louis stopped himself from cutting his food into tiny pieces, knowing this was a sign Zayn was fully aware of.

He chewed slowly, letting Niall chatter away about something Louis couldn’t really focus on.

Everything was going smoothly up until he gave his last three pieces to Niall. Zayn raised an eyebrow at him, but Louis shrugged and said, “Had a big breakfast at Harry’s.”

Louis sounded calmer than he really was, but he still saw concern in Zayn’s eyes. So he took one slice from the three he gave to Niall, rolled his eyes, and chewed like nothing was wrong.

That seemed to appease Zayn’s worries, because he went on and continued to banter with Niall.

When Louis saw that the other boys were almost done with their food, he began to chew faster, worried Zayn might notice him again.

Louis even forcefully swallowed his last bite before Niall could finish his last slice, thinking it was safer that way.

It was then that Louis felt the itch in his throat. Panic suddenly rose inside him. He wasn’t going to be sick in a restaurant, he said to himself. More importantly, he wasn’t going to be sick with the boys around.

So he looked at his phone, and pretended to receive an emergency text from his office.

“Oh no,” Louis said, trying to seem like his panic was from somewhere else.

The boys looked at him, surprised.

“It’s the office. We’ve got an emergency meeting in ten minutes,” Louis lied.

He stood up before any of the boys could react, and waved goodbye to the boys.

“Is everything alright?” Zayn asked, concern evident in his voice.

Louis paused. The itch was stronger now, but he felt his heart drop when he realized what he was doing. He couldn’t let Zayn know, though. He might blame himself if he knew, and this was all Louis’ fault.

“Yeah,” Louis smiled. He tried to sound like his usual playful self with them, and added, “I’ll see you guys back in the flat later. Don’t miss me too much!”

Louis was gone before any of them could say another word. He rushed to their flat, crying in shame.

——

Louis felt empty, paradoxical to what his body was telling him.

He stopped crying when he got to the flat, feeling worn out and restless at the same time.

He heard nothing but his thoughts as he pushed two fingers down his throat, and that made him feel even worse. He was almost empty when he heard him. He probably didn’t hear him come in since he was busy sinking deeper into himself, but it was too late before he could do anything to deny what was happening.

“Louis, is that-“ Harry was cut off mid-sentence when he saw what Louis was doing.

Louis stopped gagging, and faced a shattered-looking Harry.

Louis felt like he was in a film, and he was in the slow motion scene.

He was knelt by the toilet, and Harry was by the door. He’d forgotten to lock it, thinking no one would be home at this hour. He didn’t think Harry would come by. He didn’t know Harry left an envelope in his room that he needed later today. He just saw Harry registering what he’d seen, and tears suddenly falling down his cheeks. Oddly, Louis felt too empty to cry with him. Louis felt pathetic, and Harry looked so heartbroken.

Louis wanted to explain. Well, not really explain, so much as to lie. But the secret was out now; and he was too disgusted with himself to speak.

Harry looked away, but Louis still heard him whimpering.

Louis stared at the floor though; and again found himself feeling buried in regret and shame. His grave was deeper now however, and this time, he wanted to disappear completely.

Louis heard Harry shut the bathroom door as he left. The bang made him look up, but he still didn’t get up until he’d finally realized what happened.

“Fuck,” Louis said to himself as he stood up.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” He said louder.

Louis washed his shaky hands, and cleaned himself up. He didn’t finish emptying his stomach, but he couldn’t do it again after seeing that look on Harry’s face.

Louis felt like he literally stabbed Harry’s chest, seeing him broken like that. Honestly, he didn’t know what he could possibly do to make this better. He would be in tears right now if he didn’t feel so empty, still.

He was shocked to find Harry sitting on the sofa, when he got out of the bathroom.

Harry wasn’t crying anymore. Instead, he was sat motionless and just stared at nothing. Awful thoughts about him were probably running through Harry’s head right now, and Louis sighed with despair.

He ran a hand through his hair, anxious and terrified to approach Harry.

‘ _I really don’t deserve him,_ ’ Louis thought to himself. ‘ _But I don’t want him to leave either._ ’

Louis felt so torn, but he knew he was being selfish. Right now, he just wanted to apologize to Harry. He wanted to apologize for crushing him, for making him cry, for causing him this much pain.

Louis sat down next to Harry and placed a hand on his shoulder. Harry flinched at his touch, and Louis jerked his hand away, afraid of what Harry now thought of him.

“I’m so sorry,” Louis started. His voice was shaking and so were his hands.

Harry looked at him with a pained expression, and wiped his tears before they fell.

“Oh, Louis-“ Harry said, his voice also trembling like Louis’.

“I didn’t mean for you to see me that way,” Louis voice was so small, and he looked so fragile next to Harry.

“I’m sorry Louis, but I can’t,” Harry whispered, stopping Louis before he could continue apologizing.

“I can’t do this, _not again_ ,” Harry said louder, but he said it more to himself than Louis.

“I called Zayn,” Harry informed him.

“What?” Louis was dumbstruck.

“I’ll wait until he gets here, but I’m leaving when he does,” Harry’s tone was sharp and it cut through Louis like a knife.

Louis wanted to stop Harry, to tell him that he didn’t want him to leave, but he knew he didn’t deserve him. He was lucky enough to have kept him for this long.

So instead he nodded, afraid his voice might break if he used his words. He let the silence envelope them, and began to weep quietly next to Harry. Finally surrendering himself to all the feelings the emptiness tried to hinder.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while... and I'm sorry it's a bit longer than usual. :))  
> Thank you for the kudos and the lovely comments, as well!! (sorry I couldn't reply to any of them last time bc... spoilers! haha)  
> Anyways, hope you like it! x

Only a few minutes passed before Zayn stormed in with Niall right behind him. Harry looked up, unsure of what to tell them, unsure if they even knew. One look at their faces though, and Harry realized that he was the only one who didn’t, just like everything else about Louis.

Louis was still crying beside him, well he was sobbing now, really. Harry could tell he was trying not to whimper but failed. Still, he didn’t touch him. He was afraid to. He was afraid that if he even lay one hand on Louis, he wouldn’t want to let go, and he knew he can’t do that. He can’t let himself fuck another person up, not again.

So he sat there quietly, feeling selfish and inadequate.

There was almost a feeling of relief when the boys came in. _Almost_. He still felt awful, but he knew what he had to do.

He stood up as soon as he saw the boys standing near the door.

“Louis?” Zayn looked at Louis with a broken expression.

Niall was still behind him, silent, but his eyes were glassy.

Louis looks up at them, finally recognizing their presence.

“Hey,” he croaks.

“Well, I’ll be going now,” Harry said, avoiding everyone’s gaze.

He headed for the door as he heard Zayn approaching Louis, still sobbing, and shut the door behind him before he heard another word.

***

_Harry’s first serious relationship was with a bloke called Nick Grimshaw. He was his co-editor in the last magazine Harry worked for; and it was with him Harry first fell in love._

_It was innocent admiration, at first. Harry was so amazed by Nick’s talents that he felt so excited to finally work with him. Then Harry met him._

_Nick was long and elegant, and he had this enigmatic smile that made Harry weak in the knees whenever he saw it. Harry was actually told he wasn’t the only one who felt that. Nick was well-liked in the office however, no one really knew him. He was a quiet person, who liked to keep to himself whenever he can; thus, proving it hard to get to know him._

_Being his co-editor though, Harry had some advantages that the others didn’t have. He worked in the same room as Nick, so he could talk to him whenever he liked._

_He was shy to, at first, but then figured he might be waiting forever if he was waiting for Nick to be the one to start an actual conversation._

_So they began chatting about work-related stuff, with Harry spilling compliments all over Nick, and Nick blushing, not really knowing how to accept any of them._

_Their conversations ran longer than Harry expected; and soon, they were talking about arbitrary things, like childhood pets or where they got the boots one of them was wearing that day._

_Sometimes Harry liked to watch Nick, too. He saw passion and dedication whenever Nick worked and Harry was so stunned by it._

_He remembers thinking, ‘I aspire to be like Nick, someday’, more than once, since he had met him._

_Later on, Harry’s admiration turned into genuine affection. He doesn’t really remember when, honestly. He just recalls one day looking at Nick and wanting to hold his hand. He recalls wondering what his lips would feel like pressed to his, how he sleeps at night, and how he would smell like, if he pressed his own lips to his neck._

_Harry recalls blushing a lot after that realization hit him; and the sudden butterflies fluttering in his stomach whenever Nick said his name. He could hardly even speak to Nick without stuttering, really._

 

_A few days later Nick approached him, asking if something was wrong. He noticed Harry had become a bit distant from him; and Nick was just wondering if he had done anything wrong, or if Harry had any problems he thought Nick could help him with._

_Harry was so touched by it. His unnecessary apology showed him how much he’s come to like Harry, too. Maybe not the same level of affection, but Harry still felt like his heart was going to leap out of his chest; especially, when he saw the sincerity in Nick’s eyes._

_Harry never felt this strongly for someone before. He was so used to feeling lust before affection, he didn’t really know what to do in this situation._

_Normally, he would try to gauge the bloke’s feelings for him with a lustful kiss. But he didn’t really think that could apply with Nick._

_Harry didn’t know if Nick liked loud actions like that. He was softer and much more modest than any of the other men Harry’s been with. So he tried something new with him._

_That moment when Nick was staring into his eyes, asking if anything was wrong, Harry told him the truth._

 

_"I really like you, Nick, but I don't think it's the same way you like me. Right now though, I really want to kiss you, but I'm afraid you'll say no and it's going to be really awkward, and I don't want that. Except, I don't know how to act normal around you, too, like how I was before I knew I had this massive crush on you because I can't bloody remember." Harry tried to play it cool but his tone was so obviously frustrated._

_Harry looked at the ground, wanting to disappear completely. He was nervous, he didn’t even want to think of how Nick might see him after this._

_But then Nick laughed at him. His laughter was so deep, and so genuine that Harry felt his breath hitch in his throat._

_Harry stared at him, both in awe and confusion._

_"You can kiss me, Harry" Nick finally said._

_It sounded so simple, but Harry’s eyes still widened in disbelief when he’d heard it._

_“Really?” Harry asked._

_“I like you too,” Nick said, smiling bashfully at him. “I’m sorry I laughed. It’s just hard to believe that you like me, too,” Nick added._

_“Well, fuck,” Harry said, laughing now, too._

_“Fuck, indeed,” Nick replied, looking relieved then giddy with excitement._

_Harry gave him a kiss then, an innocent and heartfelt kiss. And Nick kissed him back, so deeply, Harry couldn’t stop smiling when Nick stopped to look at him. That moment, Harry felt so raw and euphoric, he had a hard time believing this was actually happening._

 

_Harry remembers Nick being the first bloke who ever made him feel like that. He was the first bloke who actually made him happy. He was so in love that to him, everything was just new and exciting._

_He didn’t mind that Nick didn’t really wear his heart on his sleeve. Their fondness for each other was so clear, Harry didn’t think he had anything to worry about._

_They took things slow, and Harry respected Nick whenever he kept things to himself. He thought that with time, Nick would finally let him in._

 

_The ecstasy Harry felt was short-lived though._

_The first time Nick came over, and asked Harry to make love to him, Harry finally saw what he’d been hiding._

_Nick was hesitant, at first. He was so obviously self-conscious, Harry told him that they didn’t need to do it. That he didn’t mind how they were taking things slow. But Nick insisted. He said he wanted to be with Harry, to be with all of him._

_So Nick took off his jumper, and Harry choked back tears at the sight._

_Nick was paper-thin. It looked like his skin could barely hold his bones together, really. Harry could count the ribs on his chest from the shallowness._

_Nick was skin and bones, with hardly any flesh inside him. Harry’s stomach dropped when he saw Nicks’ concave stomach marked with faded lines; and he tried not to cringe at the horrid thoughts now forming in his head._

_Then everything started to make sense. Harry wanted to bang his head on the walls for being so obtuse. All this time, Nick was so self-deprecating, so self-conscious, yet Harry still didn’t see it._

_He couldn’t believe how Nick didn’t see how wonderful he was. He couldn’t believe that Nick really thought that he wasn’t as good as Harry or anyone else, like he’d told him so many times before._

_This explains all the loose long-sleeved, printed shirts he wore every day; all the times he rejected his invitations to eat out with him; and the occasional rotten food he’d find hidden in Nick’s desk. Nick told him he’d just forgotten them, but that habit always worried Harry._

_Now that Harry thinks about it, he’s never actually seen Nick eat in front of him. He’d bought him food before, like sandwiches or salads when he’d gone out, but Nick never really seemed to like any of them. Sure, Nick would always thank him and tell him he’d eat it later, but Harry never checked if he really did._

_Now that he remembers it, he can’t stop thinking about it. All the signs he had missed are now running through his head like a broken record. Harry was so mad at himself. How could he not have seen it? Nick was sick all along, and Harry was completely clueless. He felt so selfish for thinking about himself. He thought they were happy, but Nick wasn’t. Nick was suffering and he was too busy thinking about his own happiness._

_"I'm sorry, I don’t look good like you,” Nick said._

_He sounded so meek, Harry wanted to cry. He didn’t though. Harry swallowed his tears, and looked at Nick, hoping Nick would see himself through Harry’s eyes._

_“You look beautiful, babe. Come here,” Harry replied. “I love you so much,” he added._

_And he really did. He was crazy for this bloke who looked so fragile and brittle that Harry was afraid to touch him. He offered himself so bravely to Harry though, and Harry didn’t want to let him down. He wanted Nick to know how much he wanted him, too, and so they made love that night. It was so sweet and so tender, Harry was worried Nick noticed how cautious he was with him._

_In the end though, they were both spent and Nick was so happy. He even thanked Harry for being there for him, smiling as he tucked himself into Harry’s chest._

_When he finally felt Nick snoring against his chest, Harry began to cry. He cried silently next to Nick, not wanting to have him wake up to the mess beside him._

_Harry was so mad at himself for being so ignorant. How could he let Nick do this to himself? He was so ashamed that he didn’t see it. His heart felt like it was being crushed inside him, seeing Nick so fragile like this. The most awful part of this was that he didn’t know what to do about it._

_He doesn’t know anyone from Nick’s family he could talk to, or if he had any close mates Harry could consult with. Harry knew Nick liked his solitary, but he didn’t think he was alone._

_Presently, all Harry knew was that Nick had him, and he was going to be there for him every step of the way. For now though, he had to tell Nick that he was ill. Maybe he could even convince Nick to seek some professional help. Harry doesn’t exactly know how to do it yet, but he was going to do it. He was going to help Nick get better and help him see how beautiful and wonderful he already is._

_The day after that, Harry woke up to a note from Nick saying he had to run to the office to finish some paperwork he’d forgotten yesterday. Harry knew it was probably to avoid having breakfast with him, but he let it slip, thinking he would finally have ‘the talk’ with him later._

_Harry’s plans take a turn though when he arrived in the office looking for Nick, and instead, was greeted with a phone call from the hospital._

_He was told that Nick had vomited blood then fainted earlier this morning, and was rushed to the hospital._

_Harry felt like his world shattered when he heard the news._

_‘Am I too late?’ Harry thought._

_So he rushed to the hospital, scared to find out if he was right. Relief flooded through him when he saw Nick unconscious in a hospital room, though. He still looked frail, but he was alive._

_Harry suppressed the tears that threatened to fall at the sight of Nick’s dainty arms exposed in his hospital gown. He breathed deeply, and composed himself before he approached Nick. He was asleep, but Harry didn’t want Nick to wake up and see him looking as broken as he felt when he does._

_Nick woke up a few hours later, surprise registering in his face when he realizes where exactly he was. His eyes grew even wider when he saw Harry was there with him._

_“Hey,” Harry whispered._

_“Did you- Did you bring me here?” Nick asked him, suspicion evident in his voice._

_“No, baby. You coughed up blood and fainted earlier this morning, so someone called an ambulance. And when they saw how sick you were, they kept you here,” Harry explained._

_“But I’m not sick,” Nick told him, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion._

_“Yes, you are, darling. You’re very sick,” Harry told him softly. “When was the last time you ate a proper meal?” He asked._

_Nick looked like a deer caught in the headlights, then. He fell silent and stared at the ground. He looked so exhausted, Harry thought. Nick couldn’t lie to him anymore, they both knew what was happening, but Nick still didn’t want to admit it._

_A few seconds later, when Nick still hadn’t said a word, Harry tried again._

_“Do you want me to ring anyone, love?” Harry asked. “Your mum or your dad, maybe? To let them know you’re here?”_

_“No,” Nick replied, his face unreadable. “I’m not a child, Harry. I can take care of myself,” he sounded angry then._

_“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-,” Harry began to apologize but Nick cut him off mid-sentence._

_“Stop. Please just leave, Harry. I don’t need you here with me,” Nick told him, giving him a cold look as he did._

_“But I want to be here for you,” Harry said, his voice now small._

_“Well, I don’t want you here with me. So leave. Leave. Now,” Nick told him, tears welling up his eyes._

_It was the first time Harry saw Nick seething with rage._

_Harry took a step back. He was hurt, but he knew it was the illness that’s making Nick choleric. He knew it’s what causing Nick to push him away._

_But he didn’t want Nick to get upset any further so he stood up and left the room. Harry stayed outside though, and waited for Nick to calm down. He thought Nick might want to be with someone later. That maybe Nick didn’t want to be by himself in that cold and sterile room. But Nick never let him in._

_Harry waited outside Nick’s room for hours, but Nick pushed him farther away every time he tried to come back, telling him that he was just wasting his time with him. Nonetheless, Harry refused to leave._

 

_The next day, he saw a woman come out of Nick’s room. She was small with short blond hair, and Harry immediately recognized her as Nick's mother._

_He saw a photo of her once, in Nick's phone. Nick didn't talk about her, though. He just told Harry that she was his mother and left it at that._

_Harry wanted to introduce himself, but Nick's doctor came and talked to her before he could._

_He sat near them, straining his ears to hear their conversation. He didn't really hear everything, but he heard enough to know that Nick's severe loss of muscle mass and alarmingly low heart rate was enough to confine him here. Harry heard Nick's mother informing the doctor that he'd done this to himself before._

_‘This was a relapse,’ Harry realized. It might've started before Harry met Nick, but that didn't make Harry feel any better about him not noticing. He still took part in the blame._

_The doctor also told Nick's mum that her son might've caused permanent damage to his heart this time. They still needed to do some tests, but the signs were there._

_The doctor left Nick's mother looking like her world shattered in front of her. She was alone and in tears. Harry wanted to approach her, to tell her he's sorry, and that Nick will get through this. But instead he sat there motionless, and heard his heart pounding in his ears. Harry couldn’t breathe all of a sudden, and before he realized it, he was crying. However, this time, he just let the tears flow, and allowed himself to breakdown._

_When Harry finally calmed himself down, he knocked on Nick’s door again. He came in expecting to be told to leave again, but was greeted by Nick’s mum. Nick was asleep but his mother was sat by his side, reading a book. The woman looked up when she heard the door open, and Harry stepped inside and introduced himself to her._

_“Hi Mrs. Grimshaw, I’m Harry,” he said, standing awkwardly by the door._

_“I know who you are. He said you might come back,” she told him._

_“Yeah, I just wanted to see if Nick needed anything, but I see he’s sleeping,” Harry told her._

_Nick’s mother hummed, her brows furrowing as she observed Harry._

_“So, can I get you anything?” Harry asked her._

_“Not really,” she replied. “But I do want to talk to you about my son,” she added._

_“Yeah, sure. What about him?” he replied._

_Then Mrs. Grimshaw stood up and led him outside. Harry followed the serious-looking woman and realized his heart was beating too fast. He wasn’t sure if it was because Nick’s mum scared him a little or if he’s scared of what she might say to him; either way, he kept silent until she spoke._

_“Thank you for taking care of my son,” she told Harry._

_Harry smiled at her in reply._

_“I know you love him,” she continued. “And I’m sorry, but you’ve got to stop seeing him.”_

_“What?” Harry replied in shock. “But I want to be here for him,” he tried to tell her._

_“I know you do, darling. But you aren’t good for him,” Mrs. Grimshaw replied._

_“What do you mean?” Harry was confused. He knew he had his faults, that he had to take some responsibility for what happened to Nick, but he didn’t think he caused him this. It didn’t cross his mind until now that he could be the reason why._

_“I’m not saying it’s entirely your fault,” she tried to explain, “I just think that he got worse when you two got together and that right now, he needs to work on himself for himself, not for you, love.”_

_Harry wanted to protest. He wanted to tell her that he didn’t want that from Nick. That he just wanted to see him get better. But a part of him knew she was right. He may not know a lot about Nick’s illness, but he understood what she meant._

_Harry didn’t know what to say, honestly. It was too selfish to disagree, but it was too heartbreaking to admit that she was right._

_Nick’s mum left, then. I guess, she already said all that she needed to say and could just hope for Harry to listen to her._

_Harry didn’t believe her, though. Or at least, he refused to listen to the part of him that did. Although he blamed himself for things getting worse for Nick, he didn’t think that being apart from him would help. So he continued to visit Nick. He didn’t come to work for days, and stayed in the hospital waiting for Nick’s mum to come out of his room. And whenever she did, Harry would leave Nick flowers by the door, different ones each day, to tell him he was still there._

_One day though, Nick’s door was left open. Harry thought that he was asleep, so he stood by the door, and watched him. Nick looked so beautiful despite the lifeless room he was in. He looked peaceful, like he was finally rested. Harry was about to leave, thankful that he got to get a glimpse of Nick, but he heard Nick call out to him before he did._

_“Harry,” Nick’s voice was gentle._

_Harry was so surprised. It feels like it’s been forever since he’d last heard that voice, and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling._

_“Yeah?” Harry replied, taking a step back._

_“Come here,” Nick told him._

_So Harry walked towards him, and sat next to his bed. He laid a hand on the bed side, wanting to, but afraid to touch Nick’s hands._

_“How are you, love?” Harry asked, his voice quivering a little._

_“Still imprisoned in this bloody place but my charts say I’m doing better,” Nick smiled._

_Harry smiled back, glad at the news._

_“So-“ Nick started._

_“So?” Harry repeated._

_“I got your flowers,” Nick smiled again._

_“Good,” Harry said, still smiling. “Did you like them?”_

_“Yeah, thanks,” Nick replied._

_“But-“ Nick continued._

_“Please don’t say it,” Harry begged him._

_“But I need you to stop,” Nick finally said._

_“But, why?” Harry asked._

_“This isn’t right, Harry.” Nick tried to explain._

_Harry could only look at Nick, urging him to explain further._

_“As you can see, I’m not doing that well,” Nick tried again._

_“I know, but I can help you get better, Nick. I won’t leave your side until you do,” Harry told him._

_“I don’t doubt that, but you see, this isn’t your problem to fix.”_

_“I know that,” Harry replied. “But I want to fix it with you,” Harry tried again._

_“You can’t,” Nick told him. “You have to leave, Harry. I can’t have you here waiting for me to get better. I can’t do that to you, love. I need you to get out there, to move on, and to live your life like you haven’t met this train wreck.”_

_“But baby, you aren’t a train wreck,” Harry protested._

_“Don’t fucking lie to me, Harry,” Nick answered._

_“I’m not!” Harry protested._

_But it was no use because Nick started to cry; and when Harry asked him if he wanted Harry to do anything for him, he just told him to leave and just don’t come back._

_“You aren’t good for me, Harry. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth,” Nick had told him._

_Harry felt nothing but an aching inside him when he finally left. He didn’t know how Nick could expect him to live his life like they hadn’t met each other. Nick had become a part of him, even if they were only together for a short while._

_For days, he felt like screaming. He wanted to scream at himself, and to scream at the world. He was angry and alone, and it was all his fault. So he did. He pressed his face into his pillow and screamed until his lungs felt like they would give out. He cried himself to sleep, as well. He cried until he felt himself shaking from exhaustion._

_Without Nick, nothing felt right to him anymore. Harry couldn’t go back to the office because he knew he’d only see Nick in every corner of the place. Even his own flat was painful to look at. His own bed reminded him of how he failed Nick, so he slept on his couch._

_One day though, Harry woke up and realized that Nick would be disappointed in him if he saw him right now. He suddenly realized that he was wasting his life living like this. He was wasting the ‘chance’ Nick thought he offered him, of continuing life._

_He may have failed Nick by not seeing the signs of his illness, but he wasn’t going to fail Nick now by not taking care of himself. He didn’t really know where the sudden motivation came from; all Harry knew was that he was going to pick himself up. For Nick._

_So, Harry decides to start fresh. He quit his old job and moved to a new flat._ _Luckily, his application to be the editor-in-chief for an independent magazine was accepted. Still, as much as he tried to ignore it, the aching was still there. The aching reminded him of his mistakes, of Nick._

_Harry found that the only way to dull the aching was his work. So, he poured himself in it. All day, he did nothing but focus on his job, focus on his tasks, and focus on not thinking about Nick._

_Harry had become so afraid of making the same mistakes, that he kept his distance from everyone. He was afraid he’d meet someone new, and he would fuck it up like he fucked it up with Nick._

_So, Harry became detached. He had mates here and there, but he wasn’t really close with any of them. He kept his office bare and impersonal, too. Harry had been so careful, really. He convinced himself that this way was for the best. That everything was better now._

_He honestly thought that he was doing fine up until the new intern arrived. The small boy stared at him in what seemed to be like awe the first time they met; and he really liked the way his face turned red whenever they talked._

_Harry wouldn’t have lost it if it weren’t for the new intern, Louis. When he’d met him, he had this strong urge to stroke Louis’ cheeks to feel the warmth as it turned pink; he wanted to taste those small lips of his; and maybe even pinch his good bum, too. He couldn’t stop staring at it whenever the younger boy passed by, to be honest._

_These feelings were so familiar, Harry was scared at first. So he tried to repress these thoughts, denying they ever crossed his mind in the first place; however, he didn’t want his feelings to affect his job. So, when they had to do the special edition, he didn’t think twice about hiring Louis for the job. Louis was good at what he does and his stupid crush isn’t going to get in the way of him doing his job right. He was a sensible man, after all._

_Harry tried to be his pal, at first. He thought that maybe if he got to know him, wouldn’t like him as much; but, it only made things worse. After their first dinner together, Harry couldn’t stop thinking about Louis. It didn’t help that he got insanely jealous over some model flirting with Louis, too. He wanted Louis to himself so desperately that he just couldn’t help it anymore._

_‘Fuck it,’ Harry thought to himself as he called Louis and led him to one of the changing rooms._

_It was a little while later that Harry realized that Louis helped him forget about the ache, too. In fact, Louis made his heart ache for him, and he thought that that was so much better. But he wouldn’t have let Louis in if he knew what he was getting into. Louis deserves someone so much better than him. He deserves someone who can take proper care of him, and not someone who keeps making the same mistakes over and over again._

_So, once again, Harry found himself in bed, listening to The Weepies as he cried himself to sleep. The aching in his chest feels heavier now. Harry should’ve known feeling the same euphoria he felt with Nick had its consequences. He couldn’t believe he was blinded by his own happiness again. But now he knew. He knew that love wasn’t enough. And he knew that being apart from Louis would be the best thing Harry could do for him._


	17. Chapter Sixteen

Louis was curled up into a ball on the sofa when Harry left.

Zayn sat beside him, and enveloped Louis in a hug.

“Oh, Louis,” Zayn said, his eyes filled with sadness.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Louis voice was shaking, as he cried even harder in Zayn’s arms.

Not only did he manage to lose Harry, but he’s disappointed the boys, as well.

Louis always felt like he was given much more than he deserved, but it still hurt that the best thing in his life right now is slowly disappearing. He knows he should be used to it by now, but he couldn’t exactly control the pain he felt.

“It’s alright, love. We’re here now. It’s going to be alright,” Zayn told him.

It took a while for Niall to recover from his shock, but eventually he approached Louis, too.

“Yeah, it’s alright, Lou. We’re here for you,” Niall reassured him, as he gently stroked Louis’ back.

The boys’ presence sent a ripple of relief through him, but he still couldn’t stop the tears from falling. So Louis cried until he felt like he ran out of tears.

Louis wasn’t sure how long it took, but the boys waited until his sobs finally reduced to whimpers. He then broke the silence that settled in the room with them.

“I’m sorry you guys have to put up with me,” Louis said in a hoarse whisper.

“Oh babe,” Zayn said softly.

“Louis, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Niall added.

“It’s my fault,” Zayn said, voice filled with remorse, “I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I should’ve noticed the signs. I should’ve been there to stop-“

“No,” Louis interrupted him. “I knew you were going to blame yourself, Zayn. But this isn’t your fault. I did this to myself, and I’m sorry you had to find out like this. But I swear I’m getting better.”

Louis’ words sent an aghast look on Zayn’s face. He stood up and slid a hand down his face in frustration.

“How can you say that?” Zayn gasped. “How can you be better when you’re hurting yourself like this?”

Louis looked up at Zayn and replied, “I may not be completely healed but I’m making progress, now. I’m getting better at controlling it, okay. It isn’t as bad as before.”

Niall was silent, choking back tears as he reminded himself that this was probably Louis’ illness that was talking and trying to explain itself. It might not make sense to them, but it did to Louis; and his heart broke in even tinier pieces as he noticed Louis’ clenched fists, shaking in his lap.

Niall took Louis’ small trembling hands in his steady ones, trying to calm him.

“We just wish you could’ve told us before you started doing this to yourself again, Lou,” Niall’s tone was soft, but Louis still refused to look at him. “We’re always here for you,” he added.

“I know that,” Louis’ voice was small, “You guys always take care of me but this is my problem, I should fix it, not you.”

Zayn knelt in front of Louis, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Lou, we love you. We will always take care of you even if you get tired of us, or all of a sudden decide that you don’t want us anymore. We’re like brothers and that’s what brothers do, okay?”

Louis nodded, and gave the boys a soft and reassuring smile even though he still felt like a burden to them. Honestly, he still had a hard time believing that they care about him this much. He hates himself for making them worry like this, but he knows he would just make things more difficult if he refused their help. Even if he continued to push them away, Louis wasn’t sure that they’d back down so easily; and Louis was just so tired of fighting. Plus, with Zayn and Niall beside him, Louis was more confident that he’d get through this. So he finally broke down the walls he’d built around him and this time, really let them in.

Louis finally told them the truth, of how Eleanor went to the office and told him what happened after he left for uni. He narrated his visit to Lottie and his mum, and the polemic way his sister greeted him. Her words may have stung, but Louis still thinks he deserved it.

He knew he was a shitty brother for leaving her like that; and he wouldn’t blame her if she could never forgive him for it. He still regrets it, though. He regrets leaving them every single day since he’d done it.

The memory of his sister sent Louis to tears again. He had to pause to calm himself before he went on; but Niall and Zayn waited patiently beside him, stroking him gently to help ease him.

Louis admitted his relapse started on the same day, and how he felt himself sinking deeper into the ground after that incident. It was so pathetic, but that was the only way Louis knew how to cope with problems like that. Still, although he's ashamed he did it, Louis believed that it wasn't as bad as before.

He didn’t push himself over the edge like the first time. In fact, he thought that he was getting better because he was eating again. He was taking it step by step, like before, only this time he thought he’d do it by himself because the boys have already taken enough care of him. This was his problem, and he thought he should be the one to fix it. He told them how everything was going well until today.

Louis saw Niall and Zayn exchange glances when he'd said it. It looked as if they were having a mental conversation about him, a talent Louis wasn’t aware of until now. He wanted to ask them to stop, or at least let him in on their mental exchange, but he was so exhausted. His eyes felt puffy and swollen, and he’s gotten a headache from all the crying he’s done.

“Come on then, let’s get you to bed,” Zayn told Louis.

It wasn’t unusual that Zayn knew exactly what he needed, but Louis still felt grateful to him.

Louis smiled at him, but shook his head and replied, “It’s alright, Zayn. I can tuck myself in.”

“We know that, Louis. But like we said before, just please let us take care of you, okay?” Niall said, with kindness in his eyes Louis couldn’t refuse.

“Okay, okay,” Louis replied.

Niall and Zayn both sighed in relief, thankful Louis didn’t put up much of a fight.

When they get to Louis’ room, instead of just tucking him in, the boys stayed and sandwiched him in bed. The two pressed against Louis, one wrapping a protective arm across his chest, the other on his stomach. Louis felt warm and safe under the weight of the two boys, and that, combined with exhaustion sent him drifting to sleep within minutes.

He woke up a few hours later, with Niall lightly snoring beside him, and Zayn nowhere in sight. Louis’ stomach grumbled, reminding him that he probably missed dinner, and what he did with his lunch today. And suddenly, it hit him that Harry was gone. Harry was gone and he wasn’t coming back. Louis felt his chest tightening at the realization, and all of a sudden he had trouble breathing.

Louis slowly lifted Niall’s arm that was draped across his chest, took a cigarette from his drawer, and tiptoed towards the door. He was about to turn the doorknob when Niall woke up.

“Louis?” Niall called, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Yeah?” Louis replied, hiding the cigarette in his pocket.

He knew the boys weren’t bothered by him smoking, but his current situation was an exception. He recalls how he used to smoke packs of cigarettes before as part of his diet, and how hard it was for him to quit; and he knew Zayn would remember that.

“Where are you going?” Niall asked.

“Just going to look for Zayn,” Louis lied.

“I think he’s in his room getting some of his books so he can revise here,” Niall told him.

“Oh,” Louis answered, not knowing what to say next.

“We made you soup for dinner, do you want to eat here or in the kitchen?” Niall asked, his tone cautious.

Louis told them that he was getting better, but he didn’t really feel like eating tonight. His stomach grumbled but what happened this afternoon was a bit discouraging.

Louis knew Niall might let it slide if he’d told him that he wasn’t up for dinner tonight. Niall was new at this, and he was still learning how to handle Louis. However, Louis also knew that Zayn would offer much more resistance. Plus, turning down a meal would only raise their doubts about him getting better.

“In the kitchen,” Louis sighed.

Niall smiled at him, glad that Louis was going to eat something; and led him to the kitchen.

“I’ll heat it up!” he said, rushing to the stove.

Zayn got out of his room, a few books in one hand and his laptop on the other, as Louis got out of his. Zayn’s eyes softened at the sight of Louis.

“Hey, how’re you feeling, love?” Zayn asked, his tone gentle.

“Much better, thanks,” Louis gave him a weak smile.

Zayn put his things down on the couch and sat with Louis at the kitchen table.

No one said a word as they waited for the soup to warm up, but Louis still heard the unspoken question hanging in the air. He knew they wanted to know what happened to Harry, why he left, if he was going to come back. The answers broke Louis’ heart, but he knew the boys needed to know, too.

He told them he was going to let them help him, and they can’t do that if he won’t tell them everything. He should try to be as honest as possible, even if the truth was gut-wrenching and hard to admit. So Louis finally spoke.

“I don’t think Harry’s coming back,” Louis told them. It felt like he was struck with a sharp knife as he said it.

“I think I’m too big of a mess for him to handle,” Louis let out a weak laugh, wiping his tears with the palm of his hands before they fell.

Zayn stood up and got some tissues for Louis, while Niall wrapped an arm around Louis as he sniffled.

“Oh, Lou. I’m so sorry,” Niall said softly, and leaned his head against Louis’.

“It’s going to be alright,” Zayn added, handing him the tissues, then he wrapped his arms around the both of them.

“Yeah, we’re still here,” Niall assured him.

Louis smiled graciously, and nodded at them. He should stop thinking about Harry before he starts sobbing again. Louis knew his relationship with Harry was going to end someday, but he didn’t know it would end with him breaking Harry’s heart. It was twisted, but Louis wished it was the other way around. That Harry would be the one to break his heart, so he would be angry at Harry, and Louis would be happy to move on from him. But instead, he was the one who hurt Harry; and now, Louis is angry at himself for doing it.

Louis pushed those awful thoughts away, and tried to focus on the half-filled bowl of soup Niall put in front of him. The boys hid their smiles of relief as they sipped their tea when they finally saw him eating.

After a few more sips, Zayn spoke again.

“Louis, I think you should go see a therapist again,” he said softly.

“I know you told us it isn’t as worse as before, and I know you hate relying on pills so much; but, I think talking to a professional might help,” he explained.

Niall was probably already aware of it, but he nodded in agreement at Zayn’s suggestion. Louis suspects that they talked about it when he was asleep. And although Louis knew they were only thinking of what’s best for him, that they thought of this to help, he still didn’t like it.

Louis hated being so dependent on those pills when he was recovering, and he knows that they’d make him take it again if he went back. It wasn’t too long ago when he was finally allowed not to take them. He had to take better care of himself, exercise, eat healthier, and he had to drink and smoke less, before he was finally free of them. However, Louis knew the sessions really helped; and he knew he’d make them happy if he went, so he agreed.

Louis finally nodded and replied, “Yeah, okay.”

The boys smiled at him, grateful he said didn’t get mad and refuse.

“That’s great,” Niall told him.

“I’ll set an appointment for you tomorrow,” Zayn added.

“Okay,” Louis replied. He stood up, put his dirty bowl in the sink, and poured himself a glass of water.

“Okay, I’ll clean up here,” Zayn told them.

“Yeah. You go rest, Lou,” Niall added.

“Alright, thanks,” Louis replied.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Niall asked.

“No, it’s alright. Go sleep in your own bed,” Louis smiled.

Niall hummed but didn’t push further, “Okay then, good night.”

“Good night, boys. Love you,” Louis told them as he headed to his room.

“Love you!” They replied simultaneously.

 

In bed, Louis was plagued with thoughts of Harry. He was able to push them away with the boys in the room a while ago, but there was no one left to distract him now. He imagined Harry curled up in his room, crying over him; or maybe it was too easy for him, and he quickly moved on with another bloke after he left. Still, Louis couldn’t forget the shattered look on Harry’s face when he learned the truth. It pained him to know he caused that look, really.

What they had between them was pretty good, in fact, Louis thought they could’ve fallen in love with each other, if only he didn’t mess it up. Louis knew he wasn’t worth all the trouble though, so he understood why Harry left.

Although Louis entered their relationship telling himself that one day Harry will leave him, it still felt like a massive blow now that it finally happened. It’s too late to fall over the edge though, since he was already falling when Harry left. The worst part is that Harry’s become a part of his life, an important part Louis didn’t want to admit he needed until now.

It wasn’t just those electric kisses, and Harry’s touch that made him feel like he was made of gold, that Louis needed. He needed the feeling Harry gave him whenever they were together. Harry was the first one who made Louis feel overwhelmed with happiness. He gave Louis hope. Harry was his light when he felt himself getting lost in the dark.

Louis knew he took a great risk letting himself feel something so intense. He took a great risk allowing himself to rely on Harry so much; but he couldn’t help it, especially since Harry made it easier for Louis to like himself, something Louis always had trouble with.

Louis felt miserable without Harry, and he honestly didn’t know if he could be as happy as he was with Harry, without Harry.

So Louis began to cry silently in the dark. He buried himself under his sheets this time, not wanting the boys come in and find him sobbing again. He’s put them through enough today. This was something he could keep to himself because unlike his other problems, this felt unfixable. He could only bury it inside, and hope that one day he’d be too numb to feel it.

For now, Louis let himself drown in thoughts of Harry, which were oddly painful yet comforting.

For now, the only thing Louis was aware of was that instead of the usual butterflies, all he felt was his heart being crushed in his chest as he cried himself to sleep.


	18. Chapter Seventeen

Louis was sipping his tea in Elena’s office while he waited for her. He was ten minutes early, but that wasn’t new. Ever since he quit his job in the magazine, he’s had more free time in his hands. He wasn’t doing any projects as well because the boys thought time off would be good for him. They told him he should spend his time studying and working on himself.

Elena was his new therapist. They’ve only had a few sessions together but Louis already likes her. She wasn’t as stiff as his old one. She haven’t forced Louis to reveal anything he didn’t want to; and the fact that she didn’t prescribe him any pills was a huge plus.

It was a trial period, really. She told him that since his depression didn’t trigger his relapse this time, maybe he could do without them. It was a big maybe, but Louis was still grateful.

Elena walked in, and smiled warmly at Louis.

“Good morning, Louis,” she greeted him.

“Morning,” Louis replied as he put down his mug.

“So what do you want to talk about today?” she asked.

Louis fell silent. He wanted to lie and tell her that he didn’t know, but he already thought of what he wanted to talk about today. He still needed some courage to get the words out of his mouth, though.

So instead of the lines that he mentally rehearsed on his way here, he uttered one word. A name, really.

“Harry,” Louis said softly.

Though Louis understood why Harry left him, he still felt hurt. And Elena told him before that most of the time, you’re supposed to talk about the things that hurt you; because even though they’re painful to talk about, you’ll almost always feel better after sharing it. He’d feel lighter, she said to him; and based from their past sessions, it really did.

 

In their previous sessions, Louis shared how Lottie’s words hurt her. How he thought he deserved them, but they still cut through him like a blade. Elena helped him see that although he had some share in the blame, he shouldn’t shoulder everything. Lottie had the right to angry, but that doesn’t mean Louis should be angry at himself, too. It was hard to accept at first, but he’s slowly coming to terms with it.

Elena said that she thought it was similar to what happened with Frank. Louis had displaced his anger towards Frank unto himself. She told him she thought that maybe because he felt helpless about Frank’s violence and homophobia, he shouldered the blame instead. If it was his fault, he could do something. If it was his mistake, he could punish himself for it.

Louis was finally understanding that this time, he could do something besides punish himself. He was finally getting that if he wanted Lottie to forgive him, he had to forgive himself first.

Elena told him that during their sessions, they were going to deal with his problems, together. She told him that she wasn’t going to let him run away from his problems anymore, because it only made matters worse, which in retrospect, was something Louis failed to see by himself. So they were going to work on them one by one, from what Louis felt most comfortable talking about to what he felt least comfortable talking about.

 

Today, Louis wanted to talk about Harry. He’d kept it to himself long enough, he thought. He still hasn’t brought up Harry to Zayn or Niall, knowing the sympathetic looks they’d give him, which he’d had enough of these past few days.

Louis also knew Niall was angry at Harry for leaving; and that Zayn was disappointed because he expected him to stay. Louis couldn’t blame them for not understanding, really. He knew their love for him clouded their judgement.

Harry wasn’t like them. He couldn’t handle Louis, which was perfectly understandable. But to them, that meant that Harry wasn’t the same, kind-hearted person, they thought they knew. Harry wasn’t like them, and the boys might not have understood that but Louis did.

Louis thought that maybe Elena could understand it, too. Elena didn’t know Harry but she knew Louis well-enough.

 

Elena was silent after Louis spoke his name. Louis knew she was waiting for him to continue, so he did.

“He broke up with me when he found out I was ill. I understand why he left me, I really do. But it still hurts. And now I’m starting to question if letting him walk away was really the best thing for both of us, or maybe it was just another way of running away from the problem… I know it already exploded in our faces, but I can’t help thinking that maybe there’s still something I can do about it…” Louis felt his heart racing at the possibility. He didn’t know how exactly, but maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t unfixable.

However, he still couldn’t help the cynical part of him as he added, “-or maybe that’s just selfish? I don’t know….”

Louis took a deep breath, calming himself. His heart still leapt at the thought of Harry, even though, it now came with a pain in his chest.

Elena knew it was her turn to start asking her questions, so she did.

“Okay, well first, can you tell me why you think Harry left you?” Elena asked him.

“I think he left because I was too big of a mess to handle,” Louis answered.

“And now, you feel like you aren’t anymore?” Elena queried.

“Well, no. But I think I’m getting better at handling myself. I’m more self-aware now,” Louis wasn’t confident about his reply, but there was some truth to it.

“What do you mean by self-aware, exactly?” Elena probed, urging him to explain.

“You know what I mean,” Louis replied, getting a bit frustrated. He knew this was Elena’s way of helping him see things for himself, but it didn’t make the process any easier. “I’m beginning to understand myself and now that I can finally see through the haze of self-deprecation, I’m starting to think that maybe letting Harry go was a mistake.”

“You think getting back together will be good for you?”

“I think maybe it’s good for both of us.”

“So why did you think letting him walk away was the best option in the first place?” Elena’s tone was gentle, but the question still vexed him.

“Because I thought he deserved better,” Louis spoke louder now, finally letting himself listen to his own thoughts. “But now, I’m starting to think that maybe that isn’t the case. Harry and I were good together. He made everything easier for me, and I’m realizing that I might’ve made things easier for him, too. Though, maybe not in the same way.”

Elena nodded then, urging Louis to continue.

“I liked the person I was with him, and I think he does, too. But maybe I’m just selfish, and I just thought of that because that’s what I want. I can’t be entirely sure ‘cause we haven’t talked to each other ever since he left,” Louis added.

“Why haven’t you spoken to him?” Elena finally asked after she realized Louis was done talking.

“Because I’m afraid-,” Louis paused. “What if I’m wrong? There’s still this awful pain in my chest from the first time he left, what do you think the second time would do to me?” he added.

Louis felt tears threatening to fall then; but, held them back knowing he would have a harder time controlling it if he let himself cry now. So he sniffed, and nodded for Elena to continue asking questions.

“Okay, but didn’t we agree that you’re getting better, now?” Elena asked, reminding him how Louis confessed he was during their last session.

“Yeah...” Louis replied, already knowing where this was going.

“And didn’t you tell me that you felt stronger now, as well?” Elena asked, confirming what they already both knew.

“Yeah, I did,” Louis sighed.

Louis knew Elena was only helping him see things more clearly. It didn’t take him long to realize that she was only helping him see what he’s already known himself, and was most of the time, only denying. Still, he still couldn’t help but feel baffled whenever he was hit with the truth.

This was usually when Louis fell silent, and Elena would allow the silence to surround them for a while, letting it all sink in.

“How about we do an exercise, Louis?” Elena finally said a few minutes later.

“Okay,” Louis nodded.

“Let’s pretend that I’m Harry,” Elena begins. “So what do you want to tell me right now, Louis?”

“I don’t know…” Louis replied, honestly.

“Come on, Louis. This is your chance to talk to me,” Elena says pretending to be Harry.

Louis shook his head, but he was beginning to see it now. Elena suddenly had long brunette hair that was curled at the bottom, perfect pink lips, and a familiar deep voice that Louis so dearly missed.

“What do you want to tell me, Louis?” Harry asked him.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, finally. “I’m so sorry, Harry. Please forgive me.”

“I thought I told you that I couldn’t do this, Louis?” Harry asked, his eyebrows scrunched up in confusion.

 “I know, and I know you left because you thought I was too big of a fuck up for you; but, I think I’ve fallen in love with you Harry, and I think you love me, too,” Louis replied.

Louis heard his heart pounding in his chest when he said it. He didn’t know if what he said was true, but he could feel his heart doing a series of somersaults in his chest at the chance that it might be.

He stared into Harry’s green eyes, hoping he could drown in them and finally confessed what he tried to deny all this time, “I was afraid to admit it until now, but you’re one of the few people who actually makes me happy, and I’m hoping I bring you the same happiness, too. I want you back, Harry. I was a coward for letting you walk away like that. So now I’m being courageous, and I hope you can be courageous with me, and want me back, too.”

Louis was breathing heavily after he finally let out the feelings that he’d locked so deep inside him. He knew they were only roleplaying, but now that he’s said it aloud, somehow his feelings for Harry felt stronger now.

“That’s great, Louis. You’re finally letting yourself trust other people,” Elena was back now, but Louis was still dumbstruck.

“You’re beginning to accept love and affection,” Elena said, smiling.

Louis blinked, and shook himself back to reality.

“Yeah, I think I am,” he finally replied.

“Everyone deserves to be loved, Louis,” Elena told him. “You might find yourself difficult to love sometimes, but some people can see your good qualities before you even realize you had them. Sometimes, you have to trust other people, and let them help you see what those good qualities are,” she added.

* * *

It’s been two weeks since Harry had last seen Louis, yet the aching in his chest still isn’t getting any better. He couldn’t decide if time passed by more quickly or slowly now that Louis is gone. He just knows that some days are worse than others.

There were rare moments when he thought that the ache was gone, but they were usually followed by these intense waves of sadness from missing the younger lad. The urge to run back to him still hasn’t faded, but Harry held his stand.

 

Harry wavered a bit the first few days though, and met with Zayn after the incident. He wanted to know how Louis was doing, and Zayn wanted to thank him for ringing them. However, Zayn told Harry that he couldn’t tell him everything. He said that if Harry wanted to know, he needed to ask Louis himself. At the end of it, Zayn asked if he was coming back, and Harry just shook his head, regretting he asked about Louis in the first place. It was a quick chat, but it was enough to send Harry into tears again as he left.

Harry tried to bury himself in his work, like what he did with Nick. But some nights, when he was the last one to leave the office, he found himself sat in Louis’ desk. Even though he doesn’t come in anymore, his smell still lingered, and with it, memories of him came flooding back.

Liam found him one night, and asked what happened to Louis. He informed Harry that he just got a formal email from him, resigning because he couldn’t cope with all the stress university and work gave him. Liam was worried about Louis so he sent him a text asking if everything was alright, but Louis didn’t reply. He asked Zayn, too, but he just said that Louis got sick, and he needed to rest.

Liam asked Harry if Louis had been feeling that way for a long time now; and Harry told him that he sensed it, but he wasn’t sure until now. That was when Liam realized that they weren’t together anymore, and he apologized to Harry for not realizing it sooner. Liam even offered to take Harry to a pub or someplace out that night, and assured him that he was there if he wanted to talk. But Harry waved him off, still not ready to talk about Louis yet. So Liam left him alone.

After that, Harry could tell Liam was cutting him some slack at work because suddenly, his schedule wasn’t filled up with meetings anymore. Just when he wanted to focus on work, he wasn’t given that much of it. And while, Harry appreciated Liam trying to help, it just left him too much time to think about Louis.

Since Harry didn’t have a reason to stay in the office longer than usual, he tried to distract himself by watching his favourite comedy films at home. He thought it would cheer him up since he always used to laugh even when he’d heard the corny jokes over and over again, but he just ended up crying at the end of it. There was always one scene, or one character that would remind him of Louis, or something related to Louis; and then, he’d start sobbing.

Harry didn’t really know what to do with himself after that. Harry just felt so miserable without Louis; and ever since he left, there hasn’t been a day where his eyes stayed dry. But that was something he could live with if it meant that Louis had a better chance of recovering.

 

It was Saturday when Liam knocked on Harry’s door. Harry was in his onesie, ready for another day of sulking; and Liam was in his sweats, with a gym bag hung on his shoulder.

“I know you feel bad, and you don’t want to talk, but come with me to the gym today, yeah?” It sounded more of a command than a question, really.

“But I-“ Harry was about to protest but Liam cut him off.

“The endorphins will be good for you Hazz. When I broke up with my girlfriend, I hit the gym and stayed healthy. It’s a better way of coping than locking yourself inside and moping all day. No offense, mate, but you look bloody awful these days. And I’m only saying that because I care about you and I wanna help,” Liam said, flashing a wide grin at him.

Harry was reluctant, at first, but then realized Liam was right. All this brooding wasn’t going to help him move on. So he finally nodded and smiled back at Liam.

“Alright, let me go change,” Harry replied.

——

It’s been a few months since Harry had a proper workout like that that he’d forgotten how good it felt afterwards. His body was sore, but it was better than the terrible ache in his chest.

Liam’s been kind to him the entire time, not bringing up Louis. They worked out together but only really spoke when they spotted each other.

Honestly, he could’ve almost had two full hours of not thinking about Louis if it weren’t for his text. When he switched off his phone’s airplane mode, he was startled to receive a message from Louis.

It was the first time he tried to get in touch after Harry left. He thought that Louis understood, but now Harry wasn’t so sure.

            “Hi, can I see you? - Louis”

Harry tried to reason with the part of him that hoped this was something more than it seemed. He tried to tell himself that maybe Louis just wanted to end things right, that he wanted to see Harry to say a proper goodbye, but his optimistic side thought otherwise. Either way, Harry’s heart still leapt at the mere thought of seeing Louis again.

Harry was lost in the mental dispute when Liam approached him.

“Harry, are you alright?” Liam asked, his eyebrows burrowed in concern.

Harry shook his head, forcing himself back to reality and replied, “No, not really.”

“What’s going on?” Liam asked, trying to sound casual.

Liam and Harry were mates but he was still testing the waters with him. He wasn’t sure how to comfort him yet; he didn’t know if he could bring up Louis without Harry getting mad or upset with him.

“Louis texted,” Harry finally told him.

Liam’s shock was evident in his face, but he sounded calm as he replied to Harry.

“What did he say?”

“He asked if he can see me.”

“Oh.” Liam replied. “So, will you?”

“I don’t know,” Harry replied, honestly.

Liam shrugged, sensing Harry didn’t want to explain himself any further and changed the topic.

“Hey, we should get smoothies,” Liam said out of the blue.

Harry was surprised, but grateful for Liam’s randomness.

“Yeah,” Harry sighed in reply, and gave Liam a weak smile.

 

Liam went for the classic strawberry banana smoothie, and Harry went for the kale-apple smoothie.

“I still can’t believe you like kale!” Liam exclaimed, more grossed than surprised. “I mean, who likes kale??” he added, looking genuinely confused.

“You told me to be healthy!” Harry laughed.

“Yeah, but don’t torture yourself,” Liam laughed with him.

Harry felt more comfortable with Liam, now. He’d forgotten how to hold a proper conversation, but Liam seems to have his back as he asked him loads of random questions, about work, about his choice of beverage, etc. They were happily bantering when a familiar face entered the smoothie bar.

Harry stopped laughing when he saw him, and Liam stopped laughing when he saw the panicked look on Harry’s face.

“What’s wrong?” Liam looked alarmed.

“Um, nothing,” Harry’s voice was suddenly a whisper. “I just need to get out of here,” he added.

Liam looked around, trying to see who Harry was avoiding; and his eyes settled on the bloke that was approaching their table.

Harry froze when he realized it was too late. He wanted to pull Liam outside and run away, but he couldn’t move.

Memories from what felt like another lifetime ago flooded Harry’s mind, and though it ended with both of them in pain, he still remembered the good moments they had together.

Harry might not feel the same way about him as he did before, but he still held a place in Harry’s heart; and with that in mind, Harry swallowed his apprehension, stood up, and hugged his dear old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I tried a new approach with this chapter, guys. What do you think of the different pov's? Also, the next chapter is currently in progress so I reckon I'll be posting it sooner that later. :) Again, thank you for all the support! x


	19. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I'd be posting earlier, but at the middle of it, I realized that my original idea was too long for one chapter so I had to make some major changes... This one's still pretty long, though... Sorry!!

“Hi,” Nick’s voice was loud and vibrant near Harry’s ear as they hugged each other.

It was odd seeing him like this, Harry thought. He was so different from the Nick he once knew, the one he fell in love with. But then again, he looks better now. He looks healthier, so it seems like change was what he needed all along.

“This is Nick,” Harry told Liam after he let him go.

Harry could almost see Liam sigh in relief as he introduced them.

“Hey, mate” Nick said to Liam, smiling.

“Good to meet you, I’m Liam,” he replied, his tone friendly but cautious.

The two shook hands but you could see both were eyeing one another, curious who the other person is in Harry’s life.

“So what are you doing here, Nick?” Harry finally said, breaking the tension.

“I was actually here to use the toilet,” Nick said shyly.

“Oh,” Harry said, feeling awkward. But then Nick’s face broke into a smile.

“I’m kidding! Of course, I’m here to get a smoothie,” Nick said, amused.

“Ohhhh,” Harry replied, then laughed awkwardly.

Nicked laughed then said, “Alright, let me order then I’ll sit with you blokes, yeah?”

Harry felt a bit uneasy then. He didn’t know what Nick would want to say to him. He made it pretty clear the last time they saw each other that he wanted Harry out of his life; and he was worried that Liam might feel uncomfortable if Nick sat with them. So he glanced at his mate, but he only looked at Harry, letting him know it was his decision. So he smiled at Nick and nodded.

Harry sat back down, and sighed. He was about to ask Liam if he was alright with him letting Nick sit with them, but Liam spoke first.

“Do you want me to make up an excuse so we can leave?” Liam asked. “It doesn’t look like you really want to talk to him,” he added.

Harry smiled at him, grateful Liam was such a sweetheart, but he wasn’t one to run away from his past. No matter how painful the memory left him.

“It’s alright. It’s just-" Harry didn't know if he wanted to tell Liam everything yet. "He’s just- an ex,” he explained.

“Ah,” Liam replied. “That explains why you looked like you saw a ghost when he came in here.”

“Yeah,” Harry said softly. “But is it alright with you that I told him he could sit here?” he asked.

“Sure, Harry,” Liam told him. “If you want him here, then its fine with me,” he smiled.

 

“So how’ve you been, Harold?” Nick asked Harry as he sat down.

“Got good days, and bad days,” Harry replied honestly. “You look good,” he added.

“Thanks, yeah. I’ve been well,” Nick said to him, then sighed.

“So are you two….,” Nick asked, gesturing at him and Liam.

Liam chuckled as Harry rapidly shook his head.

“I would totally be his boyfriend if I didn’t currently have one myself,” Liam joked.

“Oh, sorry,” Nick said, suddenly blushing.

“It’s alright,” Harry replied. “We just came from the gym and thought it’d be good to have a smoothie afterwards,” Harry added.

“Wow, going to the gym and drinking kale smoothies! Living the fit life, eh, Harold?” Nick exclaimed.

Harry pretended to laugh with Nick, but Liam knew Harry had a mask on with this bloke. He wasn’t sure why, but Liam just went with it and pretended to laugh at Nick’s jokes as well.

“So what have you been up to these days?” Harry asked Nick.

Just then, Nick’s phone buzzed and the boys saw his eyes widen in surprise.

“Shit, sorry Hazz. I forgot I was meeting a friend today and I’m about to be late,” Nick said, standing up.

“Oh, it’s alright,” Harry told him, a bit relieved, really.

Nick apologized again but this time, gave his phone to Harry.

“Sorry! Maybe I can ring you later and catch up with you another time?” Nick asked him.

“Oh- okay,” Harry said, reluctantly taking Nick’s phone.

He doubted Nick would actually ring him but saved his number, anyways.

“Bye,” Liam said, waving at Nick on his way out.

 

“You know, for exes, he seems awfully friendly with you...” Liam said to Harry when it was just the two of them again.

“Yeah,” Harry sighed. He was confused himself, to be honest. But it wasn’t the first time Nick left him puzzled.

Still, seeing Nick made Harry realize that even though it’s only been months, he seems to have managed to repeat the same mistakes, again. And just like that, the waves of sadness hit him, and his head is filled with Louis again. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel like being outside anymore, and being with Liam, even though he’s been such a good mate to him today.

Harry just wanted to lock himself in his flat again, and think. His head was a muddle of thoughts right now, especially after all the things that happened today. The gym might’ve distracted him for a few hours but at this moment, he feels miserable again; and what’s worse is that now he feels lost, too.

Liam waited for Harry to explain, to tell him something else about Nick, but Harry seemed to be shutting down. They were both silent for a few minutes until Liam finally spoke.

“Harry, are you alright?” he asked.

“Huh-” Harry replied, obviously disconcerted. “Yeah, I just suddenly feel so tired. I must’ve overworked myself a while ago. I think I’m just gonna go home and take a nap,” he lied.

Liam doesn’t look convinced at all, but he knew Harry liked his solitude even in times like these, so he just nodded, and pretended to believe him.

“Alright, want me to take you home?” Liam asked.

Harry nodded, “Thanks.”

The car ride was silent except for the radio, so Harry let himself get lost in his own head.

It felt like another lifetime ago when Nick told him that they couldn’t be together because he wasn’t good for Nick. Although it was painful to accept, Harry kept his distance. He wanted to help and if that was what Nick thought might help him, then Harry wasn’t going to argue. However, he still couldn’t help but feel hurt now that he saw that being away from him really did help Nick; because now he knew that he really can’t go back to Louis.

Even if Louis just wanted to end things right, Harry didn’t know if he had the strength to leave again. It would be worse if Louis didn’t want Harry to leave, really. Either way, Harry knew he’d stay with Louis once he sees him again. So Harry thought that maybe he shouldn’t reply. His heart sank to his stomach at the thought of Louis waiting for him to though. He really doesn’t know what to do.

Harry’s thoughts were still in a jumble when Liam dropped him off.

“It’s going to be okay, Harry,” Liam told him before he went in.

“Thanks,” was all Harry could reply.

He was so grateful to Liam for today, but he knew that Liam could only really help him with the temporary solutions to his problems. He knew either choice he made with Louis, to reply or to ignore, to stay or to go, will end up with him or both of them in pieces. If he went and saw Louis, he might end up feeling more broken than he already is; and he’s afraid that he’ll have a harder time putting himself back together if that happens. More importantly, he’s scared he might end up hurting Louis more than he already is. Harry wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he chose his happiness over Louis’ well-being. He cared for Louis too much to do that.

Harry knew what the right thing to do was, but his heart still wouldn’t stop screaming Louis’ name. It seemed that the terrible ache has gotten even heavier now, which made it even harder to ignore. It shouted Louis’ name, telling Harry to choose him, to be with him, even if his head said otherwise.

Finally, Harry couldn’t take it anymore. He just wanted to dull the pain and maybe even forget, even if it’s just for tonight. He was exhausted and he really didn’t want to cry himself to sleep anymore. So he headed over to his kitchen cabinet, the one he only opens whenever he invites people over, and opened up a bottle of whiskey.

Harry didn’t drink a lot, but he was well-aware of the level of intoxication he needed to be in for him to feel numb. He knew he only had to take 6 shots ‘til he’d finally feel the weight lift off his shoulders, and the overpowering urge of sleep to take over. He knew that when he reached that state, he would forget almost everything, and he would sink into a dreamless sleep. He knew this because he already did this a couple of times before. But he didn’t want to remember those nights. So now, he’d just shut himself up, and drink.

Harry knew that this was again, only a temporary solution, but really, he just wanted to go to bed tonight and forget the pain. If he was lucky, he might even forget the person who caused it. That wonderful, beautiful person he couldn’t be with. So Harry raised a glass to himself, and let the alcohol do its job.

 

Harry woke up with his head throbbing, and the sun shining directly on his face. He squinted at the unwanted sunlight and willed it to go away. He knew he had to get up and shut the blinds himself, if he wanted to sleep undisturbed; but his body felt so heavy right now. So instead, he buried his head under a pillow and grunted.

He was on the verge of returning to sleep when his phone rang. The sound made his headache worse so Harry answered it, his eyes still closed.

“Who is this?” Harry’s voice was deep and raspy.

“Good morning to you too,” Liam’s voice replied, too cheerful for Harry’s taste.

“Liam?? Why are you calling me so early?” Harry sounded annoyed.

“Harold, its 11am,” Liam told him.

“It’s a Sunday, Li. I’m allowed to sleep ‘til noon even,” Harry countered.

“Okay, but aren’t you hungry at all??” Liam asked.

Harry’s stomach grumbled at the thought.

‘ _Come to think of it, I did skip dinner last night since I went straight for the alcohol…,_ ’ Harry thought.

“So are you going to open the door and have some of these pastries I bought, or are you just going to stay in bed??” Liam said, sounding impatient.

“You’re at the door??” Harry was surprised. “Alright, just give me a minute,” he added.

Despite his bloody awful headache, and the groggy feeling that’ll probably won’t go away the entire day, Harry got up, put a shirt on and opened the door for Liam.

Liam was holding two cups of coffee in one hand and a bag of pastries on the other.

“Finally!” Liam exclaimed after coming inside. “Been knocking on your door for like half an hour now,” he added.

“Sorry,” Harry said as he went and grabbed a bagel from the bag.

“Thanks for bringing food!” Harry said to Liam, smiling in gratitude.

“God, you look bloody awful,” Liam told Harry. “Did you drown in alcohol last night??” You stink!” he added.

Now, this was the Liam Harry knew. He’d grown tired of the cautious mate Liam was being to him after his break up. He was used to Liam being so brutally honest, and he loved him like that. It was rare to find people like that these days; and those are the kind of people you really need. They’re the ones who’ll tell you what you needed to hear, not just what you wanted to hear. That was something Harry desperately needed right now. So he was glad to have this Liam back.

“Yeah, sorry,” Harry sighed.

“Go shower after you eat, okay?” Liam told him.

Harry nodded, happily chewing his bagel.

“Here,” Liam said, giving him a cup of coffee, “Drink this to help you sober up.”

Liam sighed. He sees now that he was right to worry about Harry yesterday. He didn’t want to push Harry to tell him what was wrong, but it looked like leaving him alone didn’t help either. So Liam was going to try his best to be there for his mate, even if he didn’t want him to; because it looks like Harry needed someone to take care of him, despite him acting like he’s the only one who can take care of himself.

“We’ll talk after you shower, okay?” Liam was asking a question, but the look on his face told Harry he won’t take no for an answer.

Harry was already warming up to the idea of talking to Liam about it, so he didn’t refuse. Instead, he sighed and rearranged the thoughts in his head as he tried to decide what to tell Liam first.

* * *

After his last session with Elena, Louis was suddenly motivated to talk to Harry. He wanted to open up to him, to tell him what he told Elena during their exercise. He wasn’t sure if he had enough courage to admit everything, but he wanted Harry to at least know Louis still wanted to be with him as he got better. Louis knew it was a difficult thing to ask of Harry, but if he felt the same way, maybe they could make things work.

A few hours later, Louis’ enthusiasm turned into dread as he realized Harry still hasn’t replied to him. He worried Harry was done with him, that maybe Harry doesn’t want to bothered by him anymore. But then Louis told himself that maybe Harry was just busy. He remembered how Harry’s meetings piled up on him even on weekends, so maybe he’d just been working the entire time. Still, part of him feared that Harry might not really feel the same way about him, and he’d just be giving his heart away for it to be returned to him in an even worse shape.

Louis felt his anxiety increase as the anticipation grew. His head was filled with thoughts of Harry and the endless possibilities of what might happen to them. He felt himself sinking deeper again. Then he remembered what Elena told him.

Elena said that he should learn to trust others, especially Zayn and Niall, since he considered them to be his best mates. When he told her that he already did, she asked if he ever opened up to them when he was having problems and asked for their help; or if he ever lied to them just so he could avoid talking about his problems; and Louis realized that maybe he didn’t really fully trust them yet.

Elena told him that trusting people meant showing them your heart. It meant leaning on them when things got dark; and that was something Louis always had trouble with. But Louis was going to try doing that with the boys. He was going to do it at his own pace, though. So he decided to tell Zayn about Harry first.

 

When Louis got home, he found Zayn on their porch smoking a joint by himself.

“Hi,” Louis greeted Zayn.

“Louis!” Zayn greeted him, putting his joint aside and standing up for a hug.

“How’re you doing, love?” Zayn asked when he released him.

Louis sat on the floor, and patted the spot next to him for Zayn to sit on. Louis was fond of the floor these days. He found it calming, and he liked the new perspective it gave him. Zayn was well-aware of his new habit, too; and so he didn’t question his choice despite the perfectly good chairs they have on the side.

“So what’s up?” Zayn asked, smiling softly at him.

Louis sighed, trying to decide what he should start with.

He began with narrating what happened in his exercise with Elena during today’s session; and told him how for the past few days, he’d been thinking about Harry. He’d been considering that maybe he was wrong to let him walk away, maybe he should’ve fought for him to stay. Louis told Zayn the truth, about how he’d never really stopped hurting after Harry left. Sure, he stopped talking about him, but he never really stopped thinking about him.

Louis told Zayn about how he texted Harry on impulse, after suddenly feeling motivated to talk to Harry today. How he worried it was the wrong thing to do because Harry might’ve moved on by now; and Louis might just be pestering him.

When he finished, Louis tried to fight the sudden urge to pull back and apologize to Zayn for oversharing. His first thought was that maybe he was bothering Zayn with all his problems; but as he looked at him, he saw the concern in his face. He also saw a hint of smile in Zayn’s eyes, like he’d been waiting for Louis to open up to him like this. It was then that Louis finally released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding after he finished telling Zayn everything.

 

In the end, Louis asked Zayn if he was right about his decision to text Harry, because maybe Zayn saw something in Harry before he left. Maybe Zayn knew something Louis didn’t. After all, he did become good mates with Harry when they were still together; and he is currently dating Liam, Harry’s best mate.

Zayn looked at him, eyes softening. His tone was gentle as he spoke.

“Louis, I can’t tell you if he still feels the same way, but I do know that he felt just as much you did when you were together,” The look on Zayn’s face turned serious then, as if he wanted Louis to see that he wasn’t making this all up.

Then Zayn continued, “Whenever I was in the same room as you guys, I’d almost always catch Harry looking at you; and there was something about it. I guess, if heart eyes were real, that would be it because he literally looked at you like you were the center of his universe or some shit that’s big like that.”

Louis felt his heart sink to his stomach at Zayn’s words. He’d been aware of how Harry liked to stare at him, but he didn’t know that he looked at him that way. There were those rare moments when he felt like Harry could see right through him, but he usually just waved it off and told himself that it was probably just all in his head.

Louis was too surprised to speak, so Zayn went on.

“To be honest, Lou, I think he cares for you very deeply and maybe talking to each other would be good for you. I don’t know why he hasn’t replied yet, or if he even wants what you want right now; but if you really want to be with him, I think you should be honest with him, and tell him how you feel.”

Louis sighed. He knew Zayn was right. Telling Harry would be the only way for him to know that Louis feels this strongly about him. It was painful to lose Harry but it might be even more painful if he didn’t even try to fight for him. Louis was slowly building up the courage to do so, but for now, he decided that he wasn’t going to force himself unto Harry if he didn’t want him to. He’ll wait patiently for his reply, even if it takes him days.

 

On Tuesday, Louis was playing FIFA with Niall when a delivery guy knocked on their door, saying there was a parcel for them. The name on it was faded but their address was on the receipt so they signed for it.

“Hey, what’s this?” Niall asked Louis, looking eager to open it.

“I don’t know. Did Zayn tell you he was waiting for a parcel?” Louis asked Niall.

Niall shook his head, and his lips suddenly crept up into a mischievous grin. Niall began tearing off the wrapping, and Louis laughed at Niall’s childish glee but helped him anyways.

“It’s a painting! It looks a bit familiar, doesn’t it, Lou?” Niall asked him.

Louis froze when he finally recognized it. It was the painting Harry bought from the gallery they all went to. Louis found the doll-like twins a bit gloomy, but Harry absolutely loved it. Louis remembers Harry telling him how it reminded him of Gemma, and the doll she had when they were younger. He remembers Harry telling him how Gemma loved to wear matching dresses with her doll, and how everyone found it creepy except for Gemma. Louis remembers how Harry laughed at the memory, and how his dimples got even deeper than usual. _‘God, how I miss those dimples,’_ Louis thought.

“It’s the one Harry bought,” Louis replied, a few seconds later.

“Is this the one from the gallery we went to? Wasn’t hat weeks ago???” Niall asked, confused.

“Wait, let me call Zayn and ask why this happened,” Louis said to Niall, trying to calm him down before things take a bad turn.

“Okay, okay,” Niall replied.

Louis rung Zayn, as Niall sat back down on the couch.

“What’s up?” Zayn asked when he picked up.

“So Harry’s painting arrived on our doorstep today,” Louis sounded nonchalant.

“What-“ Zayn paused, then realized what happened. “Fuck, Olly must’ve sent it to my address instead of his. That bloody idiot. Sorry, Lou. Is Niall there with you?”

“Yeah,” Louis replied quietly.

“Is he mad?” Zayn asked.

“Well, no. But this shouldn’t have happened, Z!” Louis exclaimed, suddenly throwing his cool out the window.

“Chill out, Lou. Don’t you see this is an opportunity?” Zayn said to him. “This is your chance to try to talk to Harry again. Try to ring him, tell him the painting he so graciously purchased is here, and that he should get it from you,” Zayn added.

“Hey dickhead, I told you I was going to wait, didn’t I?” Louis retorted.

“Yeah, alright. But still, a second text can’t hurt, right?” Zayn replied.

Louis sighed. As much as he said that he was willing to wait, he did really want to text Harry about his painting, too. Maybe today, Harry isn’t as busy anymore. So Louis shrugged and finally gave in.

“Fine,” Louis told Zayn.

“Alright! Thanks, Lou!” Zayn replied. “Love ya,” he added, then hung up.

Louis quickly sent a text to Harry before he went back to sit on the couch with Niall.

            “Hey, you’re painting’s here. Do you want to pick it up or should I drop it at your place? – Louis”

 

When Zayn came home, and Harry still hadn’t replied, they both began to worry.

“Do you want me to ask Liam what’s happening to him? Maybe he lost his phone or something,” Zayn sounded hopeful.

Louis shook his head. “Maybe he just needs more space. I can wait. I’m sure he’d want this sooner or later,” Louis replied, trying to sound positive.

 

Louis didn’t want to just focus on Harry. He was trying to get better and he knew he needed to do it for himself. He also knew that he had to start with himself. He needed to start with the roots of his problems, look back at his past, fix the broken relationships he didn’t want to be broken.

With that in mind, he builds up the courage to go back home. It took him a few more sessions ‘til he finally told Elena that he was ready to do so. Elena told him that he could do whatever he thought he needed to do. She reassured him that he was stronger now, and that he can take whatever might hit him.

 

So on Thursday night, Louis told the boys his news over dinner.

They were all sat in the living room, watching crap telly and eating Chinese food when Louis turned the volume down. The boys looked at him, as he tried to tell them what he’d been practicing in his head.

“What’s up, Lou?” Niall finally asked him.

Louis took a deep breath then finally spoke.

“I think I want to go see Lottie and my mum, again,” Louis’ voice was small. He knew Elena told him he could do it, but a part of him still worried that he wasn’t ready. That part of him held him back from speaking with the confidence he felt he should have by now. He was trying his best not to listen to it, but it’s still quite loud.

“Lou,” Zayn replied first. “I think that’s wonderful,” he said, smiling.

“Yeah, I think that’s great, Lou” Niall added.

“Yeah? You really think so?” Louis asked in surprise. This wasn’t the reply Louis thought he’d get, but he felt much better about it now. He should’ve known the boys believed in him this much.

“Yeah!” Niall cheered.

“Are you going to patch things up with them?” Zayn asked.

Louis hummed and nodded. “I don’t know if Lottie wants to forgive me but I want her to know that I’m sorry, and that I still love her even though she might hate me now.”

The boys smiled and looked at him with admiration. Louis didn’t quite understand it yet, but he was starting to feel the faith the boys had in him.

“And if it’s alright, I want you guys to come with me… You know, be there in case things doesn’t go well again,” Louis then glanced at the floor, suddenly feeling shy.

“Of course, we’ll be there, Lou!” Niall told him.

“Yeah, we wouldn’t miss it for anything,” Zayn added.

Louis looked at them, trying to find any hint that they were bothered by him, but only saw sincerity in their eyes as they looked at him. They really did love Louis, and Louis’ heart ached with love for them, as well. He was fortunate to have these two blokes care for him. They were the first ones who stayed with him even when things got rough. Louis couldn’t help smiling back at the two blokes beaming at him. They were all quite fond of one another, and Louis wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

The three of them headed to Doncaster on Friday afternoon. Zayn and Niall were in front, singing tunes to help calm Louis. They knew he was nervous and that he needed noise to distract him, so they sang. They sang soft tunes, and loud tunes, and Niall danced in the passenger seat as Zayn thumped his fingers on the steering wheel. Louis tried to sing along, but every now and then, he’d get lost in his daydreams; but the boys didn’t seem to mind.

Louis didn’t get that much sleep last night because he couldn’t stop thinking of the different possible scenarios of what might happen today.

He tried to think of what to say to Lottie and his mum when he finally sees them; but he can’t even decide on where to begin, how to explain every shitty thing he did to them. He wasn’t going to try and justify his mistakes, but he was still going to apologize for them. He just wanted to explain to them why things happened that way.

Louis knew his mum probably forgave him the minute she let him in when he came back. He knew that she’d probably forgive him again when he comes back today because she was too-kind hearted not to. He knew that she loved him unconditionally, and that she’d understand what happened to him more than anyone could. He couldn’t wait to tell his mum everything, really, just like when he was younger.

On the other hand, Louis wasn’t sure if Lottie even had a space in her heart for him. He knew he’d been a shitty brother to her, and that he probably didn’t deserve her forgiveness; nonetheless, he still wanted her to understand. He still wanted to tell her that he was sorry for what he did, and he did those things because he was ill, not because he didn’t care about her. Louis wanted to tell her how much he loves her, and how often she crossed his mind. He knew it would probably take longer for Lottie to understand this, but he hoped that she could at least hear him out today. He missed his little sister, and he hoped she missed him too, even just a little bit.

Even though he was already on his way to them, Louis still had trouble figuring out what he was going to say. However, he knew whatever he planned to say weren’t going to be the words he’d say in the end anyways; so instead of worrying himself to death, Louis tried to sing along with Niall and Zayn.

 

They parked in a lot a few blocks away from Louis’ house. He didn’t want to bother them anymore than he was already going to, so he told the boys that they’d walk to the house.

The boys walked silently behind him. The neighborhood was a bit noisy but Louis still heard his heartbeat grow louder in his ears with every step. Louis tried to act brave though; he learned that he should usually act braver than he was feeling, like how people say that you should be kinder than you’re feeling.

When Louis reached the house, he took a deep breath, and nodded at the boys for support. Then he finally knocked on the door, scared and expecting the worse.

Nothing measured up to his predictions though; since, he was surprised to be greeted by Lottie in her pajamas, screaming at him that he was fifteen minutes late.


	20. Chapter Nineteen

“Where the fuck have you been? You’re fifteen minutes late!” Lottie screamed at him as she opened the door.

Louis didn’t know if he was more confused, frightened, or surprised. He just knew that he didn’t know how to respond, so instead he was frozen in place, eyes wide and fist still raised from knocking. The two boys behind him were silent as well, probably as shocked and scared as him.

It was then that Lottie finally looked at the odd sight of frightened boys in front of her. This time she really looked at them, and Louis knew the exact moment she knew it was him; because her eyes were suddenly filled with strong animosity before she shut the door on their faces.

“What just happened?” Zayn asked.

“I don’t know but shit, she’s scary,” Niall whispered.

Zayn elbowed him, “Niall!!”

Louis sighed, “She’s mad at me, remember?”

“Honey, don’t get mad at the pizza guy! You said you still weren’t hungry anyways!” Louis suddenly heard his mum shout from inside.

“Is that your mum?” Niall and Zayn asked.

“Yeah, think so” Louis answered.

“Try again, maybe she’ll answer this time,” Niall nudged him.

So Louis knocked again, hoping not to be shouted at this time.

They heard his mum inside still talking to his sister, her voice was closer to the door now.

“Lottie, honey, what’s wrong?” She asked.

Lottie didn’t reply, or if she did, they didn’t hear it.

Louis wanted to turn back then. He didn’t want to do this to his sister. He didn’t want to remind her of the pain he’d caused her. But he reminded himself why he came here in the first place, what he needed to do.

It only took a few more seconds before his mum finally opened the door, the worried look on her face vanished when she saw Louis.

“Louis!!” she cried in glee. Her smile was so wide, Louis’ couldn’t help himself from smiling back.

Jay was wearing pajamas, and she looked like she hadn’t left the house the entire day; but she was still beautiful. Louis missed her so much.

“Hi mum,” Louis said as his mother once again literally welcomed him with open arms. She hugged him so tight, he had to remind her he needed to breathe.

“Sorry,” Jay said, letting him go. “I’m just glad you came back!” she added.

“Me too, mum,” Louis replied, still smiling.

Louis finally remembered the two boys behind him, so he took a step back, and introduced them.

“Oh, this is Niall and Zayn,” he told her. “And this is Jay, my mum,” he said to them.

“Hi, nice to meet you! I heard so much about you,” Jay told the boys as she hugged them both.

“Sorry about Lottie,” she told them as she let them in.

“She’s usually a well-behaved girl,” she said, raising her voice so that Lottie could hear her, too.

They were led into the dining room, but Louis saw his little sister in the living room. Lottie was sat on the couch in her pajamas which he didn’t notice when she opened the door; and suddenly he remembered something similar from his past.

He remembered how sometimes his mother would let them cut school, and she’d get off work for a day, and the three of them would stay home and spend the day together. It only happened on a few occasions though, and during Jay’s good days when her depression seemed to have disappeared for a day or two. It was ironic, but they called this their ‘sick day’ because that was the excuse they all used to get out of school and work; and even though it happened so rarely, Louis never forgot about them.

Louis swallowed the tears the memory brought him, and smiled at Lottie instead.

“Hi,” he greeted her, his voice small.

Lottie glared at him in reply, and stomped up the stairs, ignoring everyone in the room. Louis felt his heart fall in his stomach at the rejection; however, he was glad she didn’t shout at him this time, and that she didn’t tell him to leave again.

His mum probably talked to her the last time. Louis couldn’t think of a reason why Lottie would let him stay if it weren’t for their mum. Lottie probably knew how much their mum missed him, and how happy she was when she saw Louis. Lottie might’ve hated Louis but she still loved their mum, and Louis knew that she must love their mum more than she hated him and that’s why she let him stay.

Still, Louis tried to not feel bad about it. He needed to have even just a tiny bit of hope in him if he was going to do this. So Louis repeated his usual mantra in his head, _‘You can handle this. You’re better now_.’ And he hoped with all his heart that this time isn’t going to be as bad as the last.

——

Louis told his mum everything, from his past with Frank to his recent sessions with Elena. He told her about his diagnosis, about how his depression triggered his bad habits back when he was still living with them. Louis told her that it wasn’t their fault, and that he was sorry he left them the way that he did, but he thought that he needed to do it that way. He thought he couldn’t say goodbye to them before since he was afraid he’d never leave if he saw them.

He told her how Elena mentioned that maybe him running away from home was him physically trying to run away from his problems, another bad habit he was trying to cure himself of.

Louis explained how Lottie had the right to be mad at him because he promised her he’d come back, but he didn’t. When he left, he really did plan to come back for her, to take his little sister with him if Frank or some other cunt was still here. But things back home got hard, he couldn’t even take care of himself, so he didn’t know how he could’ve taken care of Lottie; and when things got easier, he got comfortable. He got so comfortable that he just didn’t want to look back anymore.

Louis knew it was the wrong thing to do, but it was hard to go back when he finally found a place where he can be himself. It took him a long time to undo what he did to himself; in fact, he was still trying to mend himself now, but he wanted to go back and apologize. He wanted to explain to them what happened; and maybe they couldn’t have the same relationship they had before he left, but he wanted to at least try.

 

“Oh, Louis darling. I’m so sorry for being a bad mother,” Jay said, her voice breaking.

She didn’t cry when he had told her everything, but she still looked so sad that Louis stood up from where he was sitting across from her to hug her.

“Mum, mum. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was ill, like you were before,” he told her as she started to cry in his arms.

“You are better now, right?” Louis asked, only confirming what looked obvious to all of them.

“Yes, honey. Like you, I also have my own therapist and I’m on these pills that do absolute wonders,” she replied.

“Still, I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone,” she added, her eyes sad again.

Louis held her at arm’s length then, looked her straight in the eyes and said to her, “I wasn’t alone, mum. I had these two,” he said as he nodded towards where Niall and Zayn were sat.

“I had Zayn for the most part, but-“ Louis joked.

“Hey!” Niall retorted, pretending to be angry.

Zayn smiled and Louis laughed at him.

“I was joking! You know I love you,” Louis cooed. “Thanks boys,” he added, and smiled at them in sincere gratitude this time.

Niall hummed. The boys stayed silent as he talked to his mother, but they never left his side. Louis was so grateful to them, really. He probably wouldn’t have the same courage he has now if they weren’t here.

Jay sighed and started to smile at the three boys.

“I’m glad you found such good friends, Lou,” she told him. “Thank you so much for taking care of my little boy,” she said to Zayn and Niall. She got up, walked towards them and gave each of them a kiss on the cheek.

If Louis had been a normal kid, he would’ve been embarrassed by this. But he wasn’t, and instead he felt the love in his heart overflowing at the sight.

But before he let the feeling of relief and love take over, he reminded himself that he still needed to do one more thing. So spoke again and this time, he felt his nerves take over.

“Mum, do you mind if I go upstairs and talk to Lottie?” Louis asked.

“Go ahead, love. She’s still a bit mad, but I think you’ll get to her,” she told him, with more hope in her voice than Louis felt inside him.

“Keep my mum company, alright?” Louis told the boys.

“Sure,” Niall answered. “Of course,” Zayn added.

Louis felt his heart beating fast in his chest, but he kept his brave mask on in front of them; and hoped for it to be real.

“Don’t say anything stupid, boys,” Louis joked as he stood up to leave.

The boys hummed and his mum smiled at him, but he could see the worry in her eyes.

“Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay, love,” she told him. “Lottie loves you, just give her some time,” she added.

Louis nodded at her, looked at his friends for courage, and climbed up the stairs.

 

Louis took deep breaths as he went up. He didn’t know if Lottie was even going to let him in her room, but if she did, he didn’t want to blank out in front of her.

He slowed down when he reached his old bedroom, ghosting his fingers on the door as he passed by. It was the one nearest the stairs, and the room next to Lottie’s. He didn’t go in, though. He was afraid he’d get a rush of emotions if he came inside, and he’d lose the composure he’d been trying to build.

He took one last deep breath before knocking on Lottie’s door.

“Lottie?” Louis asked through the door after the third knock.

“Go away,” she told him, clearly still angry.

“Lottie, please hear me out,” he pleaded.

“Why should I?” she asked him.

“I just want to apologize and tell you what happened, love,” Louis told her. “It’s okay if you don’t want to forgive me, but I just want to let you know why I’ve been such a shitty brother to you. Please,” he begged.

Lottie didn’t answer after that. After a few minutes passed, Louis thought Lottie had ignored him, and he was about to knock again when the knob started to turn.

Louis sighed with relief as Lottie turned around and began to walk back to her bed. Louis stepped inside, carefully observing Lottie’s room. He realized then how much his sister has grown. Her room was no longer pink and glittery, instead it was a pastel yellow and the wall was filled with photos of her and her friends, and her with their mum. Louis stopped at the sight of a camera on Lottie’s desk.

It wasn’t as big as his, but it was a similar model. He recognized it as a camera for beginners, and Louis suddenly felt elated at the possibility that Lottie might also be into photography like he was. Louis couldn’t help himself from smiling at the thought of sharing his passion with his sister. However, his brief moment of elation faded when he glanced at Lottie and saw how she looked at him.

She looked at him like he was an intruder; and the smile fell from Louis’s face as he swallowed the hurt he was feeling. Even though Louis prepared himself for this, and reminded himself a million times before they came here how Lottie told him that she didn’t see him as brother anymore; he still couldn’t help himself from feeling so heartbroken right now.

To be honest, even Louis felt like a trespasser in his own home; but, he came here with the intention of apologizing and explaining himself, and that was what he was going to do. Never mind the feeling of his heart being broken into a tiny million pieces right now; what mattered was that Louis told her the truth, and that he’ll tell her how much he loves her even though he was shit at showing it.

“You can sit there,” Lottie motioned to the chair next to her bed.

Louis nodded and gave her a small smile, “Thanks.”

“You said you wanted to talk so talk,” Lottie told him as he sat down.

She was sat pretzel style on her bed, and she looked impatiently at Louis; so he took a deep breath and spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Lottie. I’m sorry for not telling you I went to uni. I’m sorry for just packing up and leaving you with that lousy note. I’m sorry it took so long for me to come back, but I was so ill back then,” Louis said all of this in one breath, so he had to pause before he continued. Before he did though, he thought he saw a faint glimmer of worry in Lottie’s eyes, but he couldn’t be too sure.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but when I lived here before, with you, mum, and Frank, I felt like I was in hiding. I wasn’t really allowed to be who I am, and at first I was okay with that because I had you and mum; but my secret got harder to keep, and it came to the point where things just got really hard for me. I got really depressed and I-“ Louis paused, suddenly questioning if Lottie really did want to hear this. But the intent look on her face told him to go on so he did. His gaze shifted to the floor, suddenly conscious of Lottie’s stare, and he continued.

“I got really depressed, like the same kind of depressed mum was when we were little; and instead of telling anyone, I kept it to myself and developed an eating disorder. It’s sick, I know. But it was my way of coping back then, and I went on like that sick and depressed; and the only way I thought I could be free was to get out of here,” Louis sighed.

When he finally lifted his gaze and looked at Lottie, it seemed as if she couldn’t decide whether to be sympathetic or angry with him. So he held his breath and waited for her to say something.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lottie asked a few minutes later. Her voice was so soft that it was almost a whisper.

“I didn’t know how, to be honest. You’re my little sister. I’m supposed to protect you not drag you down with me,” he replied.

“Oh, Lou,” Lottie replied and inched closer to Louis. “You could’ve brought me with you, you know- After everything we’ve been through, you’re supposed to know that I’m strong enough to handle this kind of shit.”

“I know that, love. But I could never do that to you. I could never let you see how much I was hurting before. I wanted to get away and be better before I came back for you,” he told her, hoping she’d hear the sincerity in his words.

It wasn’t just an empty promise Louis made to keep his sister shut when he left. He really did want to come back for her and he wanted her to know it.

“Really? Then why didn’t you, huh?” Lottie was mad again, and Louis saw the pain in her eyes as she said it.

Louis was embarrassed to tell her the truth, to let her know how much of a coward he was, but he wasn’t going to start lying again, so he told her.

“When I got better, it got harder for me to look back at the past. It was just so much easier to look forward and live in the present,” he told her. “But that was the thing. At first, I kept telling myself that I was better, but the truth was that even though I took the pills, and my bad habits stopped every now and then, there’s still something inside me that still hurts. Elena, my new therapist, made me realize that it was because of all the repression. I thought running away from my problems meant forgetting them, but it turns out, I never did. I still felt them every day; and there’s just this weight in my chest and it dragged me down, and it made me sink. That’s why I’ve had multiple relapses and I had to start the process all over again every time.”

Lottie was silent then, and Louis wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear the rest of it; but since she didn’t stop him, he went on.

“So that’s why I’m here. I want to face you guys, once and for all. I want to apologize and tell you the truth. And I want you to know that I love you and I miss you even though I’ve been a shit brother and son, I still love you and I just wanted to at least try and fix what I broke between us. I don’t want to run anymore, Lottie. It hurts to not have you guys with me. I love you.”

When Louis finished and Lottie still didn’t say a word, he just sat there quietly next to her, and tried to calm his heart that was beating loud in his chest. He was contemplating leaving when Lottie stood up and hugged him.

Louis was so surprised at first that he froze for a few seconds before hugging Lottie back. Suddenly, Louis remembered all the times Lottie hugged him when they were little. He recalled how tiny Lottie felt in his arms, and how he felt like it was his responsibility to shield her from the world back then; but now, as she hugged him, he felt the complete opposite. Lottie’s love for him felt like his own shield, and his heart was all warm and fuzzy, and it felt so bare but at the same time, he felt so much stronger.

“I love you, too, Lou. And I’m glad my brother finally came home,” Lottie whispered, and they both cried as she hugged him tighter.

* * *

Harry finally opened up to Liam. He told him what happened between him and Louis; and how he knew it was best for him to leave because of what happened with him and Nick. Liam was speechless at first. He didn’t know what to say to someone who’ve been through so much, but he’d been so good to Harry. He stayed with Harry for the rest of the day and they just hung out.

After that, Liam understood him more and finally gave back his meetings. Harry might’ve mentioned that he liked to bury himself in his work to help him move on and Liam was happy to help with that.

He felt so much closer to Liam now, and in turn, Liam was more comfortable with Harry, too. Harry was glad he had a friend like Liam now because it was hard moving on from Nick when he was alone. Liam made it easier; despite the fact that every now and then, he’d tell Harry about Zayn and Zayn would remind Harry of Louis.

Liam would apologize whenever that happened but Harry brushed it off, and said that he shouldn’t not mention Zayn to him. They were in a relationship and Harry was just going to have to get used to that. Just because Harry was suffering, doesn’t mean Liam has to suffer, too.

 

On Tuesday, Louis surprised Harry again with another text. It turned out that the painting he bought from Zayn’s mate was dropped off at Louis’ place instead of his. Immediately, Harry feels his heart sink at the memory of that day. It was one of Harry’s favourite days with Louis, really. Things were simple and sweet.

But now that he remembers the day more, he recalls how he let Louis skip lunch, too. Harry remembers being a little worried about him, but he believed Louis when he told him he wasn’t hungry; and Harry didn’t even consider something was wrong then. Harry mentally slapped himself for being so stupid.

Harry was so caught up with being angry at himself that he didn’t even think to reply to Louis. Moreover, now that he was reminded of the painting, he was reminded of Gemma, too. He thought he could give it to her as a present when he and Louis finally saw her, but now, he doesn’t even know when he’ll see her.

Harry hasn’t spoken to her ever since the break-up; because he knew she was going to ask about him, and he doesn’t really know how to tell her. Honestly, he doesn’t want to tell her. It was hard enough to admit everything that happened to Liam, he doesn’t know if he can do that again with his sister. They might’ve patched things up, but he didn’t want to bring this unto her, too. Not when they were just getting to know each other again.

Harry didn’t know what to do, really. So he did what he knew best and buried himself in his work. He went to meeting after meeting, and even stayed late to finish up work that wasn’t even due yet.

 

The next day, Harry came to work with tired eyes and a throbbing headache. When Liam asked him what was wrong, he finally told him the truth. He told him that didn’t get much sleep last night because he couldn’t stop thinking about Louis. He kept thinking of what to say, what to reply, or if he should even reply; and in the end, he decided to let Liam get the painting for him.

So he asked Liam to get it whenever he can, and for him to tell Zayn that Harry sent him. He wasn’t going to see Louis, even if he badly wanted to. He wasn’t going to speak to Louis, even if he was all he ever thought about. Harry was going to stay away, and he can’t really do that if he replied to Louis.

Later that day, Harry was surprised to get a call from Nick asking if he wanted to have dinner with him on Friday. Harry seriously thought he was joking when he said he wanted to catch up at first, but Nick didn’t really laugh and so Harry agreed. He was happy to see Nick get better, and maybe he just wanted to reconnect with his old friends. Because even though they used to be boyfriends, they were still friends first. More than that, to be honest, Harry realized that it was the first time Nick asked him to dinner, and it was the first time he’ll actually see Nick eat; which is both thrilling and relieving for Harry.

 

Harry arrived at the restaurant fifteen minutes earlier than the time they agreed on. It was a vegan restaurant he’s never been to and the place looked amazing. It seemed quite full, typical for a fancy looking restaurant on a Friday night; but Nick told him he made reservations so Harry was immediately sat down when he gave Nick’s name.

To his surprise, Nick was already there.

“Hey, you’re early!” Nick greeted him, beaming.

“You too,” Harry said, smiling back.

It felt odd, but seeing Nick didn’t bring him the pain he felt back then. Harry didn’t really know what to expect when he saw Nick again; but he realized that those dark days seemed like a distant memory now. He knows it happened, but he didn’t feel it anymore. Time has really dulled the pain, Harry thought; and even though Nick was back, Harry realized he held no grudge for him. Maybe it’s because now there’s another pain in his chest, and it’s because of someone else. Someone who isn’t Nick.

“This place is amazing,” Harry told Nick.

“Yeah, I know! A friend told me about it, and man he wasn’t lying at all,” Nick replied.

They both laughed, and the waiter came by and gave them the menu.

“So how long have you been a vegan then?” Harry asked as he browsed the menu.

“A few weeks after I began eating again,” Nick replied. “It’s just easier for me when I don’t eat meat,” he added.

“Oh,” was all Harry thought to reply.

“You don’t mind though, right?” Nick asked him. “I know you like to eat healthy food, so I didn’t think to ask…”

“No, no. It’s alright,” Harry answered, and smiled at Nick reassuringly.

Nick ordered something like olive oil braised spring vegetables, while Harry went for a tofu salad. Nick ordered wine, too, telling Harry that this was one of the few places he was told that actually serve vegan wines.

When the waiter left, both fell silent as they admired the place. Colourful paintings were hung on the wall and the basic wooden furniture created a homey and elegant atmosphere.

“So Harry, how’ve you been?” Nick asked him.

“Doing good these days. How’re you?” Harry asked genuinely.

“I’m doing well. Thanks,” he replied, smiling. “I can’t believe I bumped into you!” He exclaimed.

“Yeah, what are the odds of that,” Harry answered.

“So still editing magazines?”

“Yeah. The magazine I’m working for is an independent one but I’m chief editor and they let me do what I want most of the time. You?”

“Yeah, but I don’t work as much anymore. Not like before. Remember when we’d stay up all night in the office and try to finish as much work as we could?” Nick laughed.

“I remember! And you’d tell me I looked shit the next day like you looked any better,” Harry laughed with him.

The rest of the night was filled with small talk similar to that. They reminisced the good days they had together as friends; talked about some of the mutual friends and old co-workers and; drank glass after glass of vegan wine, with Harry drinking more than Nick, really. Harry was enjoying himself and he might’ve loosened up more than he anticipated he would.

“Nick, do you realize it’s the first time I’ve seen you eat since I met you,” Harry whispered to him, then immediately covered his mouth in shame. The alcohol was getting to him now, obviously.

He apologized but Nick shook his head and replied, “It’s alright. It’s true, anyways.”

Harry hummed, “I don’t mean it in a bad way, really. I’m just-“ Harry paused as he tried to find the right words from the thoughts jumbled up in his head.

“I’m just really proud of you. I’m happy you got better,” Harry smiled, a goofy smile that was mostly due to his inebriated state.

“Thanks,” Nick replied, laughing at him a little.

“You know, you taught me a lot from when we were together,” Harry told Nick, still smiling.

“Yeah, like what?” Nick smiled back.

“Like how most of time, the only way I can help the people I love is to be away from them,” Harry’s smile faded then, but he kept his tone light.

“Yeah?” Nick asked and gave him a perplexed look. “What do you mean most of the time?”

“It’s weird because it’s only been a few months since you and me, but I managed to get myself into the same mess- the same mistakes- the same heartbreak,” Harry was smiling again, but he couldn’t mask the sadness in his eyes.

It must’ve been the liquid courage in him, but Harry couldn’t keep his thoughts off of Louis anymore, and it began to show. Nick wasn’t bothered though, instead he looked concerned for him.

“What do you mean the same heartbreak, Harry?”

Harry began to laugh, but Nick just scrunched his eyebrows closer together. There was nothing funny, really, but Harry laughed anyways, trying to keep the mood light.

“Oh, you wouldn’t want to hear about my stupidity, Grimmy,” he told him. “I might just end up crying if I tell you,” he added truthfully.

“Harold, you know you can talk to me about anything,” Nick said, his eyes serious. “And I brought a handkerchief with me so it’s okay,” he smiled.

Harry looked around and saw that there weren’t any others seated on the tables near theirs anymore. It was almost midnight and he’s pretty sure most of them either switched to the bar beside this restaurant or went home. So Harry sighed, gathered up the courage he got from the alcohol, and told Nick about Louis.

——

“Wait, so you’re telling me that you caught him….” Nick couldn’t finish his question but Harry nodded, knowing what he was about to ask.

“And you left, as quick as you could after that?” Nick asked. Harry nodded.

“And you’ve been ignoring him ever since because you think it’ll help him get better?” Nick asked, and again, Harry nodded.

“But he’s been trying to see you, texting you and even used a lame excuse like the painting?” Nick looked bewildered.

This time, Nick put his palm on his face as Harry nodded and sighed.

“It wasn’t a lame excuse. I really bought that painting and it was just delivered there by accident,” Harry said, his eyes on the floor.

“Oh god, Harry. I’m so sorry for fucking you up,” Nick told him, placing a hand over Harry’s.

Harry looked at Nick in confusion.

“You see Harold, people are different. Sometimes they have similar conditions but different ways of healing.” Nick’s tone was gentle as he stroked Harry’s hand.

“When I told you that you were bad for me before, it wasn’t because of you exactly. It was because I wanted to get better for me, and I couldn’t really see myself doing that with you right beside me,” he explained.

“But I told you, I didn’t want you to get better for me,” Harry was confused.

“I know that, but it wasn’t you. It was me. I know it’s a cliché line, but it couldn’t be any truer, okay? But with this Louis bloke, it sounds like he really likes you and that he maybe wants you back. I can’t really be sure since I don’t know him, but from what you’ve told me it seems like he’s smitten with you. And I can see how much you love him from the way you talk about him. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but honestly Harold, don’t predict the ending just because of our history. Tell him how you feel, listen to what he has to say, and don’t decide for both of you all on your own.”

 

Nick’s words stayed with Harry. They replayed in his head as Nick dropped him off and bid him good night. They replayed in his head as he thanked Nick, and told him how glad he was that they did this, and that they should do it again.

In bed, all Harry thought of was what Nick told him, and how maybe he should do it. Maybe he should go see Louis, and tell him how he feels. He wanted to tell him about the pain in his chest and how he missed the electricity he felt when they touched; but his phone told him that it was 3 in the morning on a Saturday, and though he might’ve sobered up, Louis might be sleeping peacefully in bed.

So Harry laid in bed, plugged in his earphones, and tried to ignore his heart beating wildly in his chest from the anticipation. He closed his eyes, hoping to catch some sleep before the sun comes up, and smiled at the thought of seeing Louis again.

The song he played echoed in his head as he drifted off to sleep. Harry felt himself fall into a dream-like state as he heard his voice singing the words to Louis, who was suddenly right in front of him.

_“Now you know, I’ve been crazy for you all this time…. Always hoping, with a heart on fire….”_


	21. Chapter Twenty

It was Saturday afternoon when Louis, Niall, and Zayn got back to their flat. They ended up staying the night at his mum’s because a thunderstorm suddenly erupted while they were having dinner. None of them minded though, especially since they enjoyed themselves more than Louis thought they would. The three boys slept in Louis’ old-room and it felt like a sleepover Louis never really had before.

After patching things up with Lottie, Louis ended up staying in Lottie’s room a few more hours. Lottie had so much to tell her big brother, and she wanted to know everything she missed with him, as well. Lottie told Louis about her best mates, her recent obsessions, and most of the things Louis missed when he went to uni. She didn’t mention any of the bad things that happened to her after he left though. She didn’t tell him when Frank left, and when exactly things got better.

Louis thought that maybe Lottie didn’t want to talk about it yet, and he didn’t force her to. Lottie looked happy and healthy, and that was all that mattered then. They were going to talk about those things soon, but for now, they were going to catch up on who Lottie’s been seeing the past year and what classes Louis was taking in uni. He was eager to be part of the girls’ lives again; and after what feels like a long time, Louis found himself looking forward to the future without any hint of fear or worry.

 

Louis was still on cloud nine after they left Doncaster. The boys were happy for him, too. They were bantering playfully while they walked to their flat. It turns out, Niall and Zayn got some snaps of some of Louis’ childhood photos and they were teasing him about it.

“I told you guys, I was the one in the family who took good photos. It’s not my fault my mum didn’t know what my good angles were!!!” Louis exclaimed as the boys laughed at a picture of his younger self crying on the toilet.

“On the contrary Lou, I think she’s a great photographer! Look at the lighting in this picture,” Niall retorted, wiping the tears that fell from laughing so hard.

Louis rolled his eyes, but he was laughing hard, too. In fact, he was trying to catch his breath when he saw him.

 

Louis’ eyes widened and a gasp escaped his mouth at the sight of Harry sitting in front of their doorstep. He wanted to run to Harry’s arms like those couples in romantic films, but instead, he found himself suddenly frozen in place.

“What’s he doing here?” Niall whispered to them, sounding more displeased than curious.

“I don’t know,” Zayn answered, shrugging.

The two looked to Louis, worry evident in their faces, but Louis was lost in his own head.

It had been weeks since they last saw each other, but it’s as if Louis’ feelings for the older man grew stronger along with their distance. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered faster, his heartbeat grew louder, and his desire to feel the electricity from Harry’s touch was stronger now more than ever. ‘ _Oh, how I miss those lips,’_ Louis thought to himself and sighed.

Still, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of the worst possible reasons why Harry might be here. He tried to push the awful thoughts away, and as he did so, heard the tiny hopeful voice in the back of his mind.

The mental dispute in Louis’ head was forced to a halt though when Harry turned his head and finally saw them.

Harry, initially sat by their door and looked like he had been waiting for hours, immediately stood up when he saw them. Louis saw Harry’s big hands brush through his hair; and for what feels like the millionth time, Louis’ heart ached at the beautiful sight in front of him.

Fortunately, Louis’ legs finally worked again by then. His pulse rose with every step, but he put on a brave face, and hoped today would end as well as it started.

“Hi,” Harry whispered, more to Louis than the rest of the boys.

“Hi, Harry,” Louis replied, suddenly forgetting all the other words invented by man.

Luckily or unluckily, the boys filled the silence before it got awkward.

“So what’cha doin’ here, Harry?” Niall asked a little too bluntly.

Niall was younger and smaller compared to Harry, but he sounded like he could take him down in a matter of seconds. Louis knew his mate was just being protective of him, but he wished he wouldn’t scare Harry away. Not when he knew Louis had been dying to see him. Fortunately, Zayn stepped in.

Zayn placed a hand on Niall’s shoulder, turned to Harry and said, “Tea?”

Harry nodded in reply and followed them inside.

 

As they waited for Zayn to bring the tea, Niall, Louis, and Harry sat on the sofa. Niall was looking pointedly at Harry, while Harry and Louis both looked uneasy.

“So Harry, why’re you here?” Niall asked again when they all finally settled down.

“I- um, I came here to get the painting but you guys weren’t home so I decided to wait,” Harry replied, stuttering. “I wasn’t in front of your door that long, really. Just a few minutes before you guys came,” he added.

“Oh, really?” Zayn replied, obviously unconvinced.

Louis recalls Zayn telling them that Liam was going to be the one to get Harry’s painting instead of him, so they all knew Harry was lying to them. However, there was still a possibility of Harry changing his mind. The painting was still in his room, after all. Liam still hadn’t gotten it from them.

It took a while but Harry finally shook his head.

“No that was a lie. I’m sorry. I’m here to see, Louis,” he admitted. “I don’t know why I lied. It was stupid of me to,” he added.

“Damn right, Harry,” Niall told him. “Just like it was stupid of you to leave.”

“Niall, please!” Louis exclaimed, stopping him from saying any more.

“Please, don’t,” Louis begged this time.

“But it’s true, isn’t it? He was a cunt for leaving you like that!” Niall said angrily.

 “Calm down, Ni,” Zayn said, rubbing Niall’s back to soothe him.

“It’s alright, I deserve it,” Harry told them. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Lou. I really thought it was for the best.” he said, his voice breaking.

Louis stood up then, afraid he’d start to cry in front of everyone if they talked in here. Zayn nodded at him, telling him he’d take care of Niall.

So Louis looked at Harry and said, “Come on,” and led him to the patio.

 

Louis cleaned out the ash tray on the small coffee table because he knew Harry disliked the smell. He sat down and Harry sat across from him. He gave Louis a small smile and immediately Louis wanted to capture those familiar lips with his own. He controlled himself though, and smiled back instead.

“I’m sorry about Niall,” Louis began.

“It’s alright, Lou. I know I deserve it,” Harry replied.

“No, you don’t,” Louis told him. “I understand that I was too much to handle. I get why you left, but they don’t.”

Harry’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion then. “What do you mean too much to handle, babe?” The nickname escaped Harry’s lips before he was even aware of it.

Louis swallowed, not wanting to get his hopes up too high just yet. Harry might just be here to apologize and nothing more. But Louis still needed to tell him the truth. However, before he could even begin, Harry spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Lou-“ Harry started.

“Wait,” Louis interrupted him. “Before you say anything else, I’ve got something to tell you,” he said, looking at Harry’s confused but lovely green eyes.

 

Louis nodded, and finally told Harry what he wanted to tell him since that session with Elena.

“I want you back, Harry. I know I’m a wreck and I’m not really the best person you deserve to be with, but I think you’ll be good for me and I’ll be good for you. I don’t really know what love is since I’ve never really felt it before but I think it’s what I feel for you. All I really know is that you look at me and it feels like you can see right through me and it makes me afraid; but at the same time, I want you to see me, to know everything about me. I was scared at first. You already know that I’m a mess, but I’ve been trying to put myself back together, and you walked in just in time to help the process,” Louis paused, searching Harry’s eyes for some kind of response but the other man just stared at him intently so he continued.

“I know it’s a huge thing to ask from you, to stay with someone like me; and I can’t promise that I’ll never get bad again, but I can promise that I’ll try not to.” Louis placed his hands on Harry’s then. Still, holding his intent gaze, Louis told him, “Harry, every day you wake me up, I thank god I’ve got another day. I’ve got another day to work on myself, to see the good in the world, and to show the people I love how much I love them. My heart hurts with how much I love you and honestly, it’s the best kind of hurt I’ve ever felt. So please believe me when I say that I am better. I’m better not only because of you, but because I’m learning to love and forgive myself; and that’s thanks to you, Zayn, Niall, my family, and everyone else who’ve shown me that I am loved and that I deserve to be.”

Louis sighed, and Harry lifted his hands to hold Louis’ small hands in his big ones. His eyes were glazed but Louis didn’t know why. Harry spoke then.

“Louis, I didn’t leave because you were too much to handle,” Harry’s grip tightened. “I left because I thought the best way to help you was to be away from you. I’ve been with someone who was also ill before, and he told me that I was bad for him and that the only way I could help him was to stay away. Eventually, he did get better and I thought that it would be the same with you. But recently, I was told that people heal differently, and I don’t know why that never occurred to me. So then I thought maybe if you still wanted me…” Harry bit his bottom lip then as it was curling into a smile.

Louis finally saw the look of relief on Harry’s face and the warmth his eyes had when he smiled. And he smiled back. Then they stood up and embraced each other, welcoming the electricity they only felt at each other’s touch.

“I love you, too,” Harry whispered, touching his lips to the shell of Louis’ ears.

It sent a shiver down Louis’ spine, and he felt himself blushing once again.

Harry kissed Louis’ cheeks, causing them to turn to a deeper shade of red, and Louis’ captured Harry’s lips in retort. He felt Harry’s smile against his, and kissed Harry harder and deeper. Harry returned to kiss with just as much eagerness and passion for the younger lad.

The two of them stayed like that for a while, holding one another, with their mouths pressed against each other; and it seemed surreal, but Louis felt so happy, he just knew more good things will happen to him, and he couldn’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me a while but I'm not really good with endings, plus I just got back to uni so I was quite busy the past couple of weeks. I initially wanted to write an epilogue but I sort of like it this way, and I hope you guys do, too. Anyways, this was my first fic and I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Maybe I'll write a couple more soon, who knows. Thank you so much for everyone who read this throughout and supported me!! Lots of love xx
> 
> Follow me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/living4larryAUS/) if you want to :)   
> (Just message me and I'll follow you back!)


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